Committing acts of self-love every damn day

I’ve been on a retreat.  It is part of training for a type of somatic therapy which I will one day qualify in, and which I have alluded to here.  It is founded on the belief that our stresses and negatives in life become internalised, thereby shaping our health, our bodies, our general well-being.

An overweight woman on the course wept of body dysmorphia, wept that she felt she was killing herself.  I saw in her such tremendous beauty, that I was compelled to tell her what I could see. I could see this beautiful girl resonating through her.  There is something very familiar to this dysphoric trans woman I find in the agony of the seriously overweight.

She taught me something very powerful with her words.  This is what I learned.

Our souls inhabit these bodies by choice or by divine will, depending on your beliefs.  But that relationship, either way, is one of love.  At least it starts out that way.  But much of life’s experiences, particularly the challenging ones drive a wedge between our bodies and our spirits.

When we are criticized, when we hurt, when we feel forsaken, forlorn, alone.  These are moments of separation between our souls and our bodies.  It takes work, hard work, to undo this.  It takes commitment and strength of self.

But we can do it.

Self-help books talk about self-love.  That we cannot love others if we cannot love ourselves.  This sounds good.  Although I confess that I have never really understood self-love, either in concept or in its mechanics.  It seems inaccessible to me.

What I can understand is kindness.  Love.  And that kindness and love that makes people feel good is where strength truly comes from.  I understand that if I am strong, I can be strong for others.

I’ve been going deep with a book that one therapist gave me, and that I am on my third pass through.  I will review it here and share it once I have really digested it.  It is such a good book that I have passed it from one therapist to the other, and the other read it so fast that she was ready to apply it to our therapeutic relationship immediately.  What I love about these two is how much more clever they are than I am about how to be therapeutic, how to heal, the concepts.  Their training is real.  

There is a concept in the book that truly resonates.  So much of self-help is about manifesting the positive.  What this book outlines, is that unless we learn to identify and embrace the negative, manifesting the positive won’t really work.  As a result, I have been in the sewer system of my personality, of my self, literally wading through fetid, stinky, shit.

And it feels good.

And as this beautiful big woman spoke, I could see divine light emanating from her, I could see this playful girl inside of her.  

We can love ourselves every single day in small, but powerful ways.  Showing kindness to ourselves begins with how we treat our bodies.  What we eat.  What joyful pleasure can result in body feeling when we eat what our body truly needs and craves—and no, I am definitely not talking about processed food.  I am talking about having a deep conversation and level of understanding with your body, with our bodies, that helps us to understand cellular joy.

The same goes for exercise.  Putting our physical selves through paces, helps oil the gears, flush out the system, clean us up.  Dead cell material, waste, it all sits there.  Poop is only one way to get it out.  Sweat is equally important.  But we also exhale it.  We slough it off.

Similarly, wellness also means anointing ourselves.  Putting natural products on our bodies.  The other day as a woman was hugging me she said, “oh my God, you smell good, what is it?”  She invited her friend to smell my skin. And then another woman came over.  My sweat, my natural scent smells very nice because of what I eat and because of how I care for my body.  She was also smelling one of my natural products that I have formulated and with which I anoint myself every day.  And my skin looks and feels different for it.

All of these things may seem like trivia.  Being obsessed about anything is never healthy but taking deliberate care of the self in this way, is life changing.  And we slip up.  We eat a cookie.  We say something mean.  We don’t sleep well.  We can forgive ourselves and try again.

And yes, saying mean things stains us.  Feeling them stains us too.

On my retreat I shared with the group about things that were on my mind.  I got three words in before I began to cry.  My divorce has stirred within me feelings of hatred towards my wife, someone who I loved and thought I would love forever.  Part of me is grateful for this feeling because it allows me to let go of her without guilt.  But feeling hate is not something I want to ever feel.  It is toxic.  I want it out.

And yes, I am the first person to say that we should not teach ourselves or our children, that sweet foods are a treats.  And yet, baking cake, and enjoying it, is a small indulgence that I am willing to pay extra for.  I pay for it by running much further the day after.  Or days after.

I have set myself a weight goal, which is so necessary on progesterone.  All I have to do is think about cake and it goes straight to my ass and thighs.  If my weight reaches a certain level I institute different dietary measures—only fruit and vegetables for two days, no alcohol, and if it doesn’t go down, then I go onto broth only.  I need to learn about using the nutri-bullet, which is what one of my children swears by.  I have never seen someone with a healthier body.

And yes, sleep too, is vital.  Being regular, having ritual around it.  It is a key aspect of our general well-being.

This conversation is central to my life today and going into the future.  Whole body wellness is what I will dedicate myself to.  Coming soon to a neighbourhood near you.  It will be a religious movement, in only the good senses of the word.  The Sisters of something for sure.  I can’t wait to design the outfits.

And you know what?  I think judicious whippings will be a central tenet.  Are you ready to join?