Finding that a sex change operation is not the end, but the beginning.

When “hard” is all in the mind

My slow rate of posting has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life and everything at the same time.  I have all the topics and ideas flowing into my head as they normally do, but I simply don’t have the energy to write them.  I start, maybe get two paragraphs done, and then I fall asleep, overcome with a post-surgical drowsiness that is at once delicious and utterly impossible to shake.  And you would be forgiven for thinking that the soporific pull of the bed would be enough after a month of it, but it is necessary, and she must be obeyed.

I do eventually get there, trying to pick up where I left off, but it isn’t usually the same.  And the writing part is only half of this, as checking for errors, posting, tagging, etc takes up a ton of time, and if I have to do one thing it is to keep writing, rather than focussing on the admin stuff…there’s time for that later…but April is quiet for me.  But in my life, April is anything but quiet.

I am now allowed to get up and take short walks outside.  I no longer have to wear ice 24/7…just whenever I am supine, which is still most of the time.  But hey, the illusion of freedom tastes pretty good too.  I walked 150’ on a very slight uphill slant to a lovely café that does croissant, bought two and brought them back home and was utterly out of breath and quiet tired.  So tired that I lay down on the guest bed (tired of my own, and no guest in it), pulled my scarf over me, and went out like a light and slept for 4 hours.  A power nap.  To think I could run a 10k four weeks earlier and now I struggle to walk 300’.  It gives me an interesting math problem.

Suppose little Susie wants to run the NY Marathon.  The first possible date she can do it is the Fall of 2026, to allow her time to train.  In order to qualify to run the Marathon she has to be able to run at least 6:00 miles, and needs to run in at least 10 qualifying races (shorter distances) at that pace or better in the year prior (2025), what are the key time and distance milestones that she needs to achieve by what dates in order to pass the entry requirements with ease?

That’s my conundrum.  The Den Mother told me, “I think you have other things to worry about right now, my dear.”  I had just announced my intent to run the NY marathon to her, “it’ll be important for me to hit that milestone post-op.”  I mean it.  She meant it too.  But at the time the anaesthesia hadn’t yet worn off. And she has Mistress power on me—meaning I can’t help but like to obey.

Going through life as a male had its joys, but there was always the presence of gender dysphoria, which is like a tide moving against you.  This operation, and the last two years of hormones have firmly changed the direction of the tide, so that it is flowing with me.  Coming out was a joyful process.  The blessings of support that surround me have been moving and have deepened my love for so many people.  And with everything seeming so easy, I began to think it had something to do with me…that compared to other trans women, the social resistance, although still very much there, has not been as bad for me.  At least that is what I have told myself.

But my divorce has demolished my future retirement funds, so I will have to work many years longer than I might have…And the children need support, which is not likely to come from my not-yet-ex.  She’s even told them so. In other words, my financial security is gone.  And this has provoked an existential crisis of sorts.

I have changed my name socially.  I had not yet done it officially anywhere as I was waiting for the court order. That means, my linkedin profile, for example, or any job searching was done on my dead name.  This is a problem.  I was deluding myself into thinking I could keep my dead name as a pen name.  That I could wear a suit, pretend, be a drag king, but I have begun to realise that I cannot.  And suddenly, I am scared.  Very scared.

I have “lost” two jobs in the past 8 months because I am trans, one I had, and one I had been given an offer for.  Although they wouldn’t say, because they couldn’t, in both cases, the message was delivered immediately after my coming out.  So, I have begun to interview in a different way, thinking about how to plot my way through it.

A number of head-hunters and career advisors have said, “get the job, and then tell them.”  Apart from that not sitting well with my sense of ethics, it is becoming increasingly hard to hide the changes in my body.  My ears are pierced, my hair reaches to my shoulder blades, and I have breasts for anyone who cares to look.  Another has said “just leave breadcrumbs…change your pronouns on linkedin, maybe have your nails done before an interview, and just let them ask.”  I used to count roughly 100 letters/emails to getting a meeting…so far as a disclosed trans woman I am simply not far into it enough to know where the bottom is.  I may never find it, but it is a lot more than 100.

I know what the answer is.  Start my own business.  I’ve done it before.  It’s just that it takes time, there is risk and uncertainty, and thus far, I have not made as much doing this as what I “normally” do for a living.  And as my children have rightly pointed out (their own self-interest makes it no less valid)—“the best revenge is to make a lot of money.” The $27/day I make from writing keeps me in coffee, but nothing more.

Facing this fear is real.  So much that I have continued introducing myself or going along with people as deadname.  My therapist told me that I am not giving newname a chance.  Den Mother has told me, “who is this deadname calling me, someone I don’t know?  You need to stop this, you can’t be both.  You’ve made the big steps so far, now is not the time to get weak.”  She’s right, but I am scared.

One of the witches I am working with and who knows nothing about my dealings with kink and bdsm told me during a reading that the cards were telling me that I should get into bdsm.  “I already am,” I replied.  

“Perfect,” she said.

“Only I used to be submissive and now I am not anymore.  Now I am a dominatrix.”

“Well, this is exactly how to interpret these cards, and it will also heal any trauma you have in relation to the sacred masculine.”  I think that these are the only issues I have…