The closing of a chapter is the beginning of life

Have you ever felt that your life wasn’t happening in the correct order? Or that it was out of sequence? I am not asking from a perspective that something is wrong or less-than-perfect from this, but rather that so much is happening so fast, that one can only have the impression that it is all happening at once…kind of like a ball of string. Where does it begin, where does it end, where does it lead?

The past few months have been a blur.  Sometimes living life really slowly, deliberately slowly, ends up just being an accelerant.  My entire Spring has been a blur…and the weirdest thing is that the less I do, have done, the faster things seemed to have moved.

I took 99 days to be “in surgery mode”…this included a few days to nest and prepare my apartment, a short-term rental, prepare some healing foods, to stock the fridge, to have doctors appointments, etc.  Then there was surgery, a miraculously short 2 days in the hospital, which, mercy me, is a blessing as each night is $7,000…so thank goodness my surgeon hustled me out of there.  It was scary when every other surgeon I have come across keeps you in from 5 days to 7.  But in the end, she was right.  “The sooner I get you home resting in your own bed, the better.”

It is hard to put in words the depth and richness of gratitude I feel for the people who came to care for me.  I experienced love that I had never felt before.  Received.  And returned.  I spent 6 weeks of those 99 days restricted to bed.  I was allowed to get up no more than 3 times a day, and for no more than 10-15 minutes a time.  I had to keep ice on my vulva 24/7…all to keep inflammation down.

I took pictures of my bruised and ailing beauty down there each day.  As I look back at them, I can hardly believe how swollen they looked, hurt, angry, and how much more settled it looks now.  There is still swelling, but it is mostly gone…though this last bit will take as much as a year to settle.

My last in-person gynaecological visit was a few days ago, and this gave me the clearance to go home.  That is what I am doing now.  Home to Italy.  I can’t wait.  My kids are already there, and I am returning with a very dear friend and her daughter, who have kindly offered to accompany me so that I don’t hurt myself carrying things.

I have a limit of 10lbs and today, I pushed it as I took a train, and I can feel the pain in my abdomen and in my vulva—anywhere there were stitches.  It feels as if I’ve been kicked in the guts.  More care is needed.

My last days in my beautiful apartment and in my favourite US city were a whirlwind of excitement.  I went to the opera, one of my favourite activities, and absolutely loved getting my hair done, having makeup done, and wearing a slinky outfit.  It is a long navy-blue silk gown slit up one leg to the waist.  Very dramatic.  I wore 2” heels with it, just in case someone might not notice how tall I am.  I have joined the tall girls club.

The following day I walked into a shop in my neighbourhood, miles away from the opera and the shopkeeper asked, “were you at the opera last night?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“I work there too.”

“Oh gosh.  And you recognise me?  And today I am incognito.”

“Are you kidding me?” they asked, “there wasn’t a person in that place last night that didn’t notice you and wouldn’t remember you.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet; I think I like you.”

As I wrapped things up, I had a few blissful moments with people I met—keepers.  One gal is an intimacy coach, and it is a pleasure to fool around with her, as she really knows how to touch.  It is nice to cuddle with a professional cuddler.  Especially when you are not paying.

I also had the opportunity to enjoy some one-on-ones and group classes in the Japanese art of Kinbaku, Shibari, and not only were they fun, informative, but they were also really great ways to connect and play with my bottoms.  It remains weird to be a slave at heart and to top.  This is something to figure out, and toying with it is leading to great introspection and penetrating observations.  To be explored.

The significance of the 99 days is not lost on me.  It is a true open and close of a chapter.  My gender transition…or rather, my sex change.  The admin process is now also nearly complete, and my existence as a man is now gradually being erased.  Along with that is a commitment to not be misgendered, which is going to be a challenge, but one which I have decided to work on.  If someone gets it wrong, especially pronouns, the more explicit it is that the person is being deliberate.

I was in a shop yesterday and a mother came up to me and asked me advice for her daughter.  Her daughter it happened was a teenaged trans daughter and was looking for shoes in my same size.  I was concerned for the daughter, but so appreciative of what the mother was doing to create space for her.  I can’t help but wonder how different my life would have been had I had a mother who had been supportive, rather than one who tried to squelch it despite having cultivated it when I was younger.  A life mystery.

But folks, in case you are wondering, trans kids need your support.

For the past several years, my goal of changing my sex, something that has been deep inside of me since I was a child, has dominated my thinking.  I won’t say it was a damp squib, but the fuss around the operation in my own mind has proven less momentous than the reality.  

Of course, a sex change operation is life changing.  A very serious operation.  But that is nothing compared to what it means to now be a woman.  Surgery was a moment in time.  A snapshot.  What I have now is this sense of what the rest of my life is…and I live that feeling the moment.

As a person, I have always felt so crisply, wonderfully, and clearly alive.  But along with that has come this sense of now.  This sense of the importance of the present moment, of life as we live it, as it happens.  And it also comes with a much lower patience threshold for time wasters, people that aren’t a joy to be around…Almost as if I am hurrying up in the now, to be in the now.  Anything less would be a waste of time.