I am addicted to doom scrolling. That’s what happens when you no longer watch TV. I love it so much I think it should be classed as a kind of sport. A microcosm of the best and worst of humanity floating in a sea of indifference, the gems available from rattling around far corners of the internet is one.
The number of people who have said to me some version of, “if you are having a sex change to become a woman, you must want a man,” boggles the mind. It is the collective conscious. Family members, the woman who tortures me through electrolysis, lesbians, straight women, men with or without an agenda, puzzled strangers who have no business asking such things. Pretty much everyone. Only an enlightened few seem to get it.
The meaning of a vagina isn’t what you put in it. If anything, its purpose as the on-ramp for life made manifest transcends. And don’t go saying you can’t have one without the other and thereby say they are equal. You can use a frisbee as a plate too; most things are dual purpose, or more.
Why is it that everyone seems to think that a trans woman transitions so she can feel good about being a man? This thought is so prevalent in discourse that I just assumed that almost all trans women ended up with male partners. It may be an age thing.
But down one of those doom-scrolled byways of the internet I came across a question which addressed this very topic: “is it just me, or are all of us trans women gay?” As in, do we all like women? And what followed was such an intense volume of confirmatory statements, that I was shaken to my core. Here were hundreds of my trans sisters coming out of the woodwork saying that they liked women, that they were married to women, that they had only ever dated women. Okay, there were a few bi women, but they all said that it was really a rare man, or particular physical type (long hair, effeminate) that turned them on, but really, what they wanted was a woman.
Reading this made me feel really good. If I get to be with a woman, I’m glad to be gay. That’s part of what I love so much about the term ‘queer’.
Many respondents also wrote about why they liked women. My favourite response? “Women. Because just women.” And this just resonated with me.
Sometimes I have heard lesbian women talk about another woman wondering whether they want to be her lover or they want to just be her. Sometimes they might want both. You know how babies like to put things in their mouths? You know how some primitive societies felt that ingesting someone could make you become them, like eating the heart of a courageous warrior? Well, there is a term for that. Anthropophagy. But there is quite a gap from baby mouthing to anthropophagy.
For me, it feels a bit like wanting to soak her up. To bathe in her. Almost every one of my serious romantic relationships in life began with a desire to be her, whoever she was, but not all. And there is no qualitative difference or pattern that I can notice. But any time I have a crush on somebody, it is so often accompanied by this feeling. A fascination. An infatuation.
And I realise that me being trans is a part of this. It has occurred to me that being who we are is a part of how we love. I realise that I have always been missing something. Not from others, but from me. From how I show up. How can you love someone if you don’t show up in all of you to love them? Becoming a woman is uncovering this vast landscape of my truth, and that gives me hope for my ability to love and to be fulfilled by love in ways that I have never felt before. And I believe that love is the meaning of life. In other words, finding my dharma, and this should be universal, is finding ourselves, and then bringing all of us to the party.
What’s the connection. Well, when I see someone, meet someone who I am attracted to, and I feel this deep force stirring within me, of wanting to be like her, to be her, to get to know her, and above to kiss her, to melt into her, I have never really understand that at the root of this sits a feeling of inspiration. A woman who does this to me, who has this power with me, is fundamentally someone who inspires me.
And why should that matter. Well, somehow, these women have become icons to me. All in their own way. Inspirations. Icons. They are like signposts. And as I contemplate the kind of woman I want to be, I draw on this history of loves. And what I look as I move forward in a woman is changing, and that is a reflection of who I am and who I am becoming.
I read a touching article written by a transwoman who wrote in the Evening Standard about how she navigates life. I had a lot of sympathy for her, and how she felt it was best to try always be an ambassador, in effect, apologizing for her existence. I was stirred even more by the trans community who attacked her for being an apologist, and for accepting that this is a man’s world, and for not using her privilege and position to change things. The history of gay rights had very similar debates.
That was not the touching part. The touching part was what she said about what it was like to become a woman. “I am a woman, and every day I become more of a woman. But I realise that the more of a woman I become, the less I know about what it means to be a woman. I look forward to dedicating the rest of my life to finding out, knowing that even at the end, I still won’t know”. I paraphrase, but her words really resonated with me.
As a “male” (which is a tenuous thought because I guess I was really never one, never thought like one), I was fascinated by women. They provided such endless amusement, laughter, and mystery to my life. At times I was jealous of them, of their freedom (I know the irony, but to a trans woman, this is a very poignant feeling), of the community of women, of their beauty…But mostly I just ached to be like them, to be one. And it hurt me something fierce that I couldn’t.
You can guess that the amount of joy I feel in becoming a woman, even if many people (including me) might deny myself some or all of womanhood. I am certainly not a man. And physically I am more of a woman every day. Mentally, I just feel liberated from the prison of my own mind.
The unexpected and greatest joy of becoming a woman has been the women who have accepted me into their ranks. And becoming a gay woman has not interfered with my dynamic with any woman, and this is so beautiful to me. As a straight man, there was always a holding-back that was there in any situation between me and a woman. The conversation. The “friends” talk. I don’t get this anymore. I also go on dates all the time. I can also tell a woman how much I love her, and it doesn’t become awkward. And when I say to a woman that she is beautiful, it doesn’t come out as weird. It is welcome and generates a smile. Because these women no longer see me as male, no longer a threat, but as a member of the tribe.
I have noticed that younger women convey this comfort even more. I don’t know if it is just young people in general having comfort in the fluidity of gender and sexuality, or if it is not having lived as much of a life that results in bitterness. That is how I interpret the inappropriate stares of older women in Italy. And they come all the time. I can only think of the awful things that have happened in their lives to make them look at me as they do.
I realise that as I become more and female, and also experience things that are unpleasant about society, my positive feelings towards women only increase. And I also begin to experience life and the world through more female eyes. I become a little bit more of a woman every day. I am aware of my lived experience as having been superficially male, but the trans core of that life created a dissonance that makes it easier to switch across. It’s like coming home. Even when you never got to go there before, you know its home, and it smells, feels, tastes, and looks like everything you ever imagined.
Well, I have the same feeling of the woman from the article in the Evening Standard. That I get to spend the rest of my life living as a woman, and discovering what it means to be a woman. And the best part? The more I know, the less I realise I know.
Women are an infinite mystery. That’s why I love them. That’s why it is such a joy to become one.
Most of us do not have an insight into the mind of trans person, and the complexity of the change, just think about it within the norms we know. it is not being mean, it is just not being aware. I am only aware of it because of your blog, and I am pretty open-minded, liberal, sexually free woman. Like I did not understood poly, until I encountered in.
I think this is pretty automatic assumption, that if you transition from man to a woman, that you will change your interest now to men. Vast majority of people are straight. I think that’s what was in my mind too. Your writing is really mind opening. You have a great insight into what’s going on inside you, and intellect and great writing skills and you are able to convey your emotional and physical journey to us, readers.
As in regards to finally feeling yourself and free. Oh, how I understand that. After leaving behind lifetime of monogamous, straight, vanilla life, and starting my beautiful, adventerous journey into BDSM, swinging, poly, and more, now I really feel myself, feel tham I am free, and can breathe deeply. I do not have to pretend. I am not feeling like there is something wrong with me anymore. I am just of a different type, way more fun type:)
Cheers to our new freedom!
Thank you Jo. Your comments are so thoughtful and deep. I really appreciate it, and I apologise for taking so long to come back. I read it, liked it, but wanted to be able to sit down and write back when I had a moment of quiet peace in which to do it.
There has been a lot traffic of late in the trans chat groups that deal with hormones and the nature of attraction. The general consensus seems to be that attraction doesn’t really change. The general consensus seems to be that a trans woman who “switches” to men, always had that preference, but just admitted it to herself. She couldn’t be a “gay man” when she lived as a man, for whatever reason, most likely social or shame, and that by finally expressing herself as a woman, she can allow this.
I am really afraid of myself in this regard. I have written so much gay male erotica because it aroused me. It always had to do with forms of non-consent which resulted in an enthusiastic yes. Consensual non-consent I guess. I look at it and rationalise it because of unwanted approaches from men growing up. That’s how I explain it to myself. I know that many women have rape fantasies. In other words, we have fantasies about things we don’t actually want. But somehow, maybe, we don’t trust ourselves.
I do want to feel what it is like to have someone inside me. But I want it to be a woman. I know, though, that sometimes I see a man, a very particular kind of mind, an Adonis, and I think, yes, I could do that. But apart from the cock, there is nothing about a man which appeals to me. It’s very confusing.
I love your sharing about BDSM. It has been the thing which has brought me the most joy and personal development. I love it. And it is a kind of lighthouse in the distance for what I am going through on so many levels. I don’t know how my relationship to D/s is going to change. One thing that is happening is that I am drifting away from the professional dominatrix and towards a lifestyle dominatrix in my desire, and that for me is an enormous development step away from the safety of the pro-Domme and into the deepest fears and vulnerabilities that I have.
I love what you say about freedom and liberation and feeling good about yourself. So this. It is the ultimate prize for me in divorce, which is such a gift despite the pain it is causing.
thank you so much for sharing your journey, for taking the time to comment, and for engaging. It is an honour to be read by you.
You know, now, after having this conversation, it seems kind of obvious to me, that you will continue to be attracted to the same group as you were in before. Your mind always knew what it wanted, it was just a body that needed adjustment.
Finding your own Domme, who would be also your partner, will be very rewarding experience. The process of opening up, revealing your deepest self, your desires and weaknesses, is a beautiful thing and will take you in a another level of self-discovery. Does it bring g risk of a heartbreak ? Sure it does, but that’s always a risk in relationship. Part of being human.
The last: fantasies of NCN play. Accept it, embrace it, don’t run from it. Society makes us ashamed of it, tells us it must be result of some kind of past drama. Maybe for some. For the rest of us is BDSM community is just another form of play that some like, some don’t. Nobody really wants to get raped for real, that’s not an experience we wish on ourselves. But we can live through that fantasy with trusted partner, and learn there is nothing wrong with you for enjoying it.
In clubs I watched some couples perform very primal, sometimes brutal and hard to watch scenes – only to see both of them snuggling happily after, both satisfied, with that beautiful strong bond that comes from sharing this kind of experience.
Hi beautiful Jo. I have only been to a few clubs in my life, and it is still shocking a bit to me, but not so that I won’t go again soon. I am not a “public” player. But I am curious…and the club scene has changed so much and it now feels safe to be in these places whereas it didn’t the first time I went many years ago, and became afraid of the energy in them. Now, the kink community has become the most responsible and caring environment I have found. I look forward to exploring this, and know that the fear and challenge that I will face in accepting it and opening up to it, will be one that brings me tremendous rewards and growth. Happy holidays!
I am not surprised at all that you continue to love and be infatuated by women. You’ve always been attracted to women. Just as you were always in a body that didn’t quite fit. Your body may be changing, but that is to match the beautiful person you’ve always been <3
You are such an angel. I sure do love interacting with you. What a blessed soul. Women are my everything. And I am not afraid of that anymore, not to feel it, not to say it, not to live it. I send you every ounce of sweet love and healing to you that can flow through me. Bless you Nora, for now and for always.
Awwww… you made me cry, my beautiful friend! Good tears, happy ones. Sending lots of love your way and wishes for many exciting adventures for you in 2024! XOXO
Thank you so much. Happy holidays! Happy Spankmas!
I find it amusing how folks who are all about” freedom” disapprove of LGBTQ. Like being LGBTQ is all about freedom. We love freedom to express ourselves, be ourselves etc. Great post hon. Don’t be afraid to tell women they’re beautiful. That is something I’ve been working on as well. Turns out when you give people complements they will compliment you back. Who knew 🙂
Hello beautiful human. Thank you so much for your support and for your comment. I really appreciate it. It landed just at the right time for me, and it was lurking in the back of my mind as I did just what I said, and am so glad I did.