There is a heavy disclaimer here. I most probably suck at this. But service to women, on a deep and fundamental level, is the essence of who I am, how I am, what I seek to be, what I was, what I wish to be, what I aspire for, what I dream of, and how I live my life. I do not diminish myself, or see myself as a lesser being, nor do I put women on a pedestal. We are capable of heroism and decency, we can also all be venal, vain, and banal. But there is a spark in the female, and there is a spark in the male…and for me, that is the “birth point”, the spark that creates the rest.
With the feminine, this divine spark is the character of Mercy. With the masculine, this divine spark is the character of Justice. Both have their shadows, but at their best, they ordain the rest of us. I do possess the male spark by dint of living as one for so long. It is impossible to walk away from that or stop respecting it. But I also carry the female character of Mercy, and I believe this is the curse and the blessing of all transgender people, we have both. Cultivating one is hard, but cultivating both is a life’s work. One day I will write in more detail about these character traits, qualities which came to me on a meditation retreat from the wise words of a dear one.
Okay. I am a human fool. My wake is littered with mistakes and the road ahead lies strewn with temptation and failings. The un-yet realised detritus of my life. Numerous people in the Twittersphere and Blogosphere, and in my vanilla life, have pointed out to me that I am a fool. That to seek love within the bounds of a pro-domme/client relationship is the most foolish thing of all.
But you know what? I don’t care. I am always up front, for it takes two to make this kind of music, and if you hide things, then everything else is fake. Of course for a pro, the temptation to fake is real and legitimate—it is a living after all. For the client it is silly, a bit like going to a therapist and not being willing to open up. One of my pet peeves.
My “wound” (and we all have them), all stems from the nurturing bond that a child develops with its mother. This all-forgiving, all-containing, all-sustaining loving warmth of the mother for the baby. In my life, that is the way that I most acutely feel love. And as I grow in my submission, I am able to articulate this more clearly, but also to show up with all of me, in service, in devotion, not to fulfil this need, or any kinky need, but to be an embodiment of my own spark, a blend of Mercy and Justice, and all of the good downstream things which flow from that. And the she that I stand or kneel before (whether as a metaphor or in reality) is one to whom I make this available, by being open, offering it without motive or agenda, learning to serve having already let go.
To submit in this way is not easy. There is always the rumbling of the quid pro quo, the desire to have something back. But that is no way to live even if it is how we all live. No, the universe takes care of the good energy (and the bad); the universe is not transactional.
And who am I to know or preach or say? Nobody. After all, I’ve even been fired by a dominatrix. In fact, I have been fired from many walks of life. It seems I can’t help it. Pushing the envelope can also be a nice way of saying pushing against boundaries. One good, the other not. Getting fired is a core skill that I don’t recommend for the faint-hearted, but there is surely justice in that, for much of the work I have done in my life is to let people go.
Who is the intended reader of this post?
Most likely, it is the aspiring sub male who might glean something from these words. But perhaps the lessons apply to any sub. They are most likely universal. My own submissive nature was a by-product of my life as a male. I believe that my eventual sex change and this journey is the ultimate homage, penance, and most artistic act of submission I can dream of.
Indeed, I am redrawing my entire life in service of this broader aim…for I have decided that I am a slave, perhaps not an owned slave, but a slave nonetheless. As my dear, cherished primary therapist has said to me, “learn in yourself how to be the perfect dominatrix to your slave self, and learn in yourself how to serve her. You can carry both.” Sometimes you see a dominatrix who advertises herself philosophically, one who I really love is a person who describes what the does as a religious movement.
To be a slave is an honour. To be an owned slave is the ultimate, for it speaks of having cracked through, having found a balanced dynamic, where both parties find mutual equity.
Respect is a two-way street. I do not wish to involve myself in things that would diminish respect for me. Mutual respect must always be there. It is a precondition for equity.
If you are a sub, ask yourself this: is my desire, what I want this person to do to me, to do with me, something which raises me up, raises her up? Or is it the shadow side of kink, an insatiable and repeatable pattern which does not seek to heal, but merely to satisfy until next time?
Understand your motivation
Why do you submit in the first place? Do you understand yourself? Do you understand what it is that draws you to it? If you cannot answer these questions with a hearty ‘yes’ and a deep understanding of it, please see a kink-friendly psychotherapist and be utterly and totally open. I am still blown away by those who see therapists and are too nervous to share. Please don’t do this.
In my own life, I have sought therapy when I knew I needed it. When I sat down for the first time with a Domme live and in person, it felt so momentous to me that I my body went into state of shock. She was so natural and easy and different than what I imagined, and I just wanted to learn from her. I asked her if she would help to remake me, to help to forge me into a kind of submissive person that she would proud of, that she could love as a slave. This was my request.
There are very few people who trigger this sense in me. Very few. I don’t submit, do not feel submissive, in life, in general, even if I come to people with an open heart. But if I am with someone that makes me feel safe, makes me feel trusted, and in whom I feel safe to place my trust, then something happens within me on a spiritual level. In the vanilla world, this feeling can take quite a long time to develop. In the kink world generally, it can move faster, and with a pro it can happen just like that. I have always liked to sit down with a prospective play partner for a cup of tea, to try and understand them, to feel their energy, to see what they are like. It is a small investment, for what follows has the potential to be life transforming…I know that seeing such a person is an expensive luxury, and you want to just get down to “business”, but taking the time to make sure that the fit is right is very important…and it begins with doing your homework.
When I met my first domme, I didn’t want to play games, or be kinky (well, okay, a little), at least not ones that I dreampt up, but rather ones that she though would be fun for her, and appropriate for me. Yes, I have and had fantasies, but to ask a dominant partner, professional or no, to fulfil them is by its nature a denial of the purpose of the dynamic. Sharing my inner landscape, including the kink, gives her the tools to do her job well, and to find you faster, and more consistently. That’s all.
I cried when I asked that first domme to help me to grow in ways that she would be proud of. I respected her, and I knew just enough of her to know that she had so much to teach. She agreed to take on the challenge on condition that I work with a therapist at the same time. And so I did, and my dear readers will know of this story.
In other words, I sought self-respect through the medium of the Domina’s gaze. What I needed from her was that she prove to me that I need not be ashamed to be submissive, need not be ashamed of anything, and that even at my “worst” (in those areas defined by my wife as “disgusting” and by society at times in the same way) I could be loved, could be someone that a Dominatrix who I deeply cared for and respected found value in. It is a tall order, but one which I dedicated myself to.
That was my motivation. What is yours?
There is something else. It is even more important. The how. How exactly is a dynamic going to unfold in ways that are mutually fulfilling? A submissive finds joy in service, obedience, in taking care of the dominant. Of ensuring their pleasure. I felt this very strongly, and in the context of a professional relationship, often struggled with “play” as it felt too much about me, and in truth, all I really wanted to do were things that were of meaningful value to her—everything else felt false. That requires intimacy, trust, and a level of risk which many professionals aren’t comfortable with. But there will also be a fit.
With a professional there is the element of pay. Yes, that is a big part of how a client is relevant to a pro. But even a pro, especially one who is established and successful, has to want to play with you for it to go anywhere. Payment for me was not about buying a service…it was simply a form of acknowledging the opportunity cost of what she does for a living—by spending time with me she is not doing something else that might make her the same or more £. In other words, the money part is a wash—for a successful domme, who pays her for her time is neither here nor there—what matters is that she enjoys being with you because she has choices. That’s also why it is wrong to seek freebies or to extend time, because such upset the basic equilibrium. Money, for the client, has to be neutral for her. If the financials are neutral, you can ask what does she really want? Best to learn, and to devote yourself to fulfilling that. And what do you want? If what you really want is a whipping, better be with someone who really enjoys meting that out.
In my own dynamic, I am not transactional. Intimacy and trust are built over time. The more history we have together, the more luscious every moment becomes. In a lifestyle dynamic, this is the essence of the relationship, and though purer it is also much higher risk. So many eggs in one basket. I think should I tremble and cry every time I would be near such a person. And yet, that is my destiny.
Rule number one. Don’t be boring. If you strive to develop yourself, and really move forward, and the Domme can see that you are learning from her teaching and guidance, what a gift for both of you.
Rule Number Two. It isn’t about you. If you really are submissive, then be submissive, be a giver, and please her. Understand her. Allow her to speak without interruption. Clarify.
Rule Number Three. Be your best you. Be fun to be around. Be light and fey, for the domme has given you the greatest gift of all, freedom. You have no reason to not be 100% genuine, 100% yourself. That means that you are full blast, maximum power, and do make sure to use it well. You have nothing to mope about. To be owned is the greatest honour.
Examples from my own life
I offer these not to say ‘look at me’. I offer these not to say that they will work for you, but they illustrate what I am driving at. A slave must constantly strive to grow and be better, but also to be relevant to the domme, to grow in ways that make one more useful and pleasurable to her.
“What are you good at?” she asked me when I offered myself to her. I’m actually pretty good around the house, domestic labour, cleaning, fixing things. Those are easy things, and were I ever asked to do any of them, would do them with gusto and true pleasure.
Cleaning is accessible and seems to be a popular fantasy. Not being one for the frilly maid’s outfits—I mean they are cute and all, and I do have one (bought on command), but I don’t like making fun of my own femininity, and somehow the trope sticks, and so my uniform is only for very special occasions.
Just a word on my uniform. It is a real one. It is just like the ones our help wore growing up in South America. Conservative, like a maid’s version of a man’s suit, only it’s a dress. A utilitarian and rather fetching dress. I have one in navy and one in dark grey. They are both fitted, and both have white trim. Conservative. That is what makes them sexy. I do like a uniform as it speaks of station, permanence, commitment.
I wanted to answer her question in ways that I knew she needed, because a maid is inexpensive. I wanted to say “web designer” or “video editor”, because all self-promoters need that. I know lot’s of web designers, having been CEO of two different web services firms, biggies. But it isn’t a skill that I had mastered. I was a bit at a loss to answer that I had any useful, relevant skills. What was my answer?
“Well, I am a serial CEO, so I’m really not good at anything.” At least she laughed. “I was really good at being bossed around by my secretary,” I offered wistfully. “Really?” she half-teased, but we explored this. And what my skills meant to her were administrative. She gave me some administrative tasks. They were complex and very relevant, valued, and I think I did as good a job as I was allowed. And much of that could be done without bothering her. It was fulfilling for both of us.
The Education of a Slave
Both of my mistresses have been voracious readers. Is this something that goes with the sex work landscape? I find it true of all of the providers I have met. They love books. Reading the same things as your Mistress helps you to understand her better, to be educated by her is also a treat. The reading lists I have had from each of them over time has been a phenomenal gift. Apart from giving us much to talk about outside of kink (not that we have not had an ocean of topics to share between us already), it has the knack of being ‘on your mind’…as in, what’s on her mind is on your mind. That’s conducive to depth.
Sometimes this can be more specific. To be expert in an area that your Mistress wishes to study or more deeply understand is also a gift. Researching topics that she wishes to gain knowledge in is a way to add real value to her life.
I am not a foot fetishist, and I wouldn’t want to be labelled as one, but the playful words of Mistress, “I can turn you into a foot fetishist if I want,” buzzed around inside me like a bee in a beer can. And when I played with another Mistress on “loan” [I use this word carefully, as I loaned myself], that Mistress explicitly told me that a good slave will learn to take of Mistress’s feet. Okay, even if I want to serve in other ways, I took both of these notices seriously.
First, I investigated the foot. I learned about reflexology. I bought a book on the topic. And then I went to see a reflexologist, not just once, but several times. And then I asked said reflexologist to teach me her craft. Never mind that said reflexologist is becoming a bit of a Dominatrix herself, believing that my submission is a muse for her to grow on. [My favourite therapist has put to words something in my mind…that as I manifest my true self, dominant female energy is attracted to me, and allows me to become the ‘midwife to female power’. I would say that if I could have a life’s work, that would be it. Can you imagine anything more delicious. It is more than an aspiration]. In other words, should I find myself at her feet, I will take care of them, because I am trained to do so.
I am now also a trained Reiki practitioner. I did this to be able to care for the spiritual and emotional well-being of someone who asks me for it. I do this with unbridled joy and cleanliness of heart. Indeed, my ongoing training as a Somatic Therapist has its origins in service to a Domme.
I do not do these things in kink. I really meant it when I said, I wish to be the best me possible. It just so happens that the people I have trusted to guide me on this path happen to be Sex Workers. You will know that I feel very strongly about how special they are. Maybe it is just the ones I meet, but they are some of the most well-read, articulate people that I have come across…and boy, do they understand humanity—for good and bad. Gosh. They have fluency in the language of sex and sexuality, and that is the closest manifestation of Godliness (and hell) on this earth…they are mediums, priestesses, people who can connect us with our higher selves, with the divine, and also with the worst which lies inside us. I am not saying that this is true for everyone, but it is surely true for me. What I need to learn, how I need to grow, is in ways that they can teach. I have the other stuff covered.
Ex-Mistress also accelerated my spiritual development. Much of the reading she pointed me towards dealt with spiritual topics, and much of our conversation revolved around this. It is what she wanted to discuss, and what I wished to be able to engage with her on—if you can’t talk comfortably about the things that your domme wants to speak of, then perhaps you are not well suited to each other. She was very amused at how I was struggling so much with one of the denser books she suggested I read. But I struggled in earnest because I wanted to understand. This learning has continued. Indeed, it has been delivered newly born into the arms of Star Child, who has taken up my spiritual development as a personal quest.
Star Child is a Buddhist. She is vanilla. But she knows of my slavery and has helped me draw the parallels of my submissive self to the spiritual path. She is teaching me that which my main therapist wishes me to know…that I must be my own slave, that I must become the mistress to my slave self that I have always wanted. She is right, they are both right. And in Star Child I have a professional teacher who is not going to dominate me, but who does guide nonetheless.
Why do I mention these things? Because whether as a client or in life, being in service to others cannot be about the self. The wrong recipient will abuse this dynamic, taking from it without feeding the source. The wrong dynamic will allow this to fester and grow. It will end. But if you are submissive, first, you must cultivate yourself until you are solid, and second, you must learn to serve in ways that are about her, not about you…to learn to take pleasure from her pleasure.
And lastly, these are all forms of giving. What of receiving. The greatest gift of all, to the self, and to others, is to be able to receive, and to grow from this. For me, this is the hardest part of all. But it is the most important, for it is what sustains us.
NB. I have used he/her pronouns in alignment with my own life experience and orientation, but it could just as easily be she/him or they.