Both Mistress and Therapist are working with me towards the same goals
There are times in our lives when great change comes about. Phases. Retirement. Mid-life crisis. Starting a family. Making a life commitment to a partner. Becoming self-sufficient through work. Leaving home. Puberty. And a whole host of developmental steps through birth and early childhood. These are all watershed moments, epic in our development.
The people who we are surrounded by or who we surround ourselves with at each juncture are critically important to the outcome. As we grow in age and capability, our choice over who those fellow travellers are moves from passive participation to active ownership. I choose my partners now; I am no longer a victim of circumstance.
It is not an accident that I sought a spirit guide, a Mistress, to help me through a watershed moment in my life. Nor do I believe that it is an accident (I don’t believe in such things) that the Mistress I “found” was at all an accident. She is the right one. I learn this more and more with every passing day. And for those of you who might be curious about what a D/s relationship is like, I would say that I am less and less able to say, the more I actually experience it.
Had I known what would transpire, what it would feel like, I wouldn’t have believed it. There is no reference or correlation in the public narrative. It is a relationship that explores many facets of human relations. The power exchange dynamic accentuates everything. But it is also so intensely liberating to be with someone where there are clear boundaries whose very existence makes everything so much safer, more comfortable, and more sustainable.
A love relationship has in my past carried expectations of the other, demands, occasional selfishness, and certainly a desire to have one’s needs met. D/s unmoors all of those things. To be able to make the foundation of a relationship respect for the other person, gosh, it is so uplifting, so healthy, so wonderful, so liberating. It still ripples through me today how Mistress told me already at the beginning that she could feel my deep respect for Her. Oh gosh, how delicious. To feel it, yes, but then to be recognised and seen for feeling it…oh, that is the definition of sublime.
Respect her. Obey her. Serve her. It is so liberating. So clear. So blissful to follow these simple guides. And as I grow into this, I feel my spirit dancing and playing with hers, like a pod of dolphins leaping with elation through the waves, twisting, graceful, acrobatic, and filled with all-body joy. Laughter is everywhere.
It is a very different kind of love that makes it possible. It feels so natural. Traditional love relations carry so much weight, perhaps mostly self-imposed, and I see a glimpse of light through a door here, that may well lead to a blossoming in my life with my wife. I certainly find that my SO and I are being more demonstrably and verbally loving with each other. Maybe what is happening with Mistress is starting to spill over into the rest of my life. I hope so.
In one of our times together, I asked Mistress for her advice on therapy. I was interested in finding ways to be more present in my body, and to allow these spiritual elements to grow. She made some very helpful suggestions, and the pursuit of those is both a fun process of experimentation, but also leading me to people who are a part of this transition. It is so apt that my spirit animal turned out to be a butterfly. [I wrote about finding my spirit animal here].
One of the people that I have found as part of this process is a therapist. She is experienced in somatic therapy, a kind of talk therapy which helps to understand mind-body issues. She is a specialist in this area, but is also experienced in a wide range of modalities, applying her methods based on our stated goals. I am not ready to discuss the things we talk about together on this platform, just as I am not willing to share more than a glimpse of the things that transpire between Mistress and me. There are some things which feel too intimate, where talking about them diminishes them.
But I can say this. After three sessions I am falling for my therapist. That’s a good sign. She is a bit odd, very tuned into the spirit world, kink friendly, and very life affirming. She has decades of experience, has a very quick and intuitive understanding of me, and balances all of the clinical doctor-like training and sensibility with an ease in this emotional-spiritual-erotic-developmental landscape that makes progress quick. It is very different from the therapists I saw before [and written about here and here]. She is a lot easier to talk to.
Just as with Mistress, I have found someone who does not judge me at all, who I am not afraid to speak to openly, and who is helping me grow. It is rare to find such a person. And when you do, and open up so deeply so fast, it is inevitable that they soon become significant, towering figures. I feel each of them holding my hand, walking with me, strengthening my spirit, and helping me grow.
And what does that feel like? It is to be seen. To know that someone really does look into you and see what’s there. To have someone see you in this way and to encourage is healing, yes, but more than anything, so utterly liberating. It is like discovering my own magic power. And it fills me with hope, to think I might have it too, and to be able to bring it out, develop it, play with it.
I feel this sense of childlike wonder at what is happening to me. The feelings that are coursing through me, the dreams that come to rational me by day, and the beautiful and rich fantasy worlds that come to me at night and describe in mysterious language the emotional and spiritual context of what I am seeing, feeling, and experiencing is just this rich and sensuous tapestry. All these doors opening, filling me with breeze and fresh air, self-expression, the weight and burden of expectation taking flight, coming into me, relaxing me, giving me solace, energizing me, filling me with joy.
And along with this inner journey, there is also a physical journey. To create a similar lightness of being in my body, to let go of stress, to achieve a comfort in my skin, that is the goal. I wrote about my first experience with Biodynamic Cranio-Sacral Therapy here. I will be doing it again soon. There is another approach Mistress has introduced to me as well which I will try once I find a good therapist for it. It is so much fun to be doing this.
In the past days I have been going through my correspondence with Mistress, working on capturing things in a D/s diary [so important to keep a diary]. It is very affirming to see the threads were present from the outset, and that we now weave them together, little by little, with the patience of a spider. These are my new clothes, my new raiment. Made by me, but with the guidance and inspiration that has come from some magical people that have stopped long enough and patiently enough to take my hand, and say, “come little one, come with me, let’s find out what lies ahead.”