Every now and again you come across a really wonderful and rich thread on Twitter. Domina Faustine Cox, a San Francisco based professional Dominatrix posed this question to her followers:
“How many years have you been a professional dominatrix and what is one piece of advice you would give to newer ProDommes to increase their joy and longevity in the field?”
This is the link to her post
What you will find below is a slightly re-organised and cleaned up version of many of the responses. It is fascinating reading as a client of Pro-Dommes, and will help me be a better client. Based on the comments on the feed itself, many Dommes found it similarly useful. Pro-Domme advice to young pro-Dommes, in their own words:
Maintaining Work-Life Balance
- Cultivate a real life that fulfils you and makes you proud outside of kink
- Cultivate a life outside of work that brings you pride and adds to your self-worth. It can be tempting to succumb to the endless, often empty, compliments of men. Especially for those of us with insecurities, the praise is alluring. Your clients can feed into your insecurities and boost you up. But that validation comes at a price. Hold yourself to your own standards and don’t plateau just because some schmuck is stroking your ego
- Invest in a life outside of your work that brings you genuine joy
Run A Business
- Be professional…run your business like a business…be organised, have a strict rule about hours, and pay your taxes, show up for work and take real (non-work) vacations
- “Pro” is as important as “Domme”—run your business as a business and take pride in your work. Pay your taxes, invest in your business, and save money.
- Make a set schedule for your appointments and stick to it. It creates better regulars. Encourage clients to book well in advance. Be wary of last minute requests—these clients tend to be the most demanding and disrespectful
- Do not chase money, let it come to you. This is a business. Build a budget and a business plan and stick to both
Protect your Financial Future
- Save money, as it is a topsy-turvy career and who knows what tomorrow will bring
- Always get your money first and don’t believe any promises about the future. Don’t do free emotional labour
Long-term sustainability
- Even regulars ebb and flow, don’t take it personally
- If it feels too good to be true, it is; if it feels as if it might emotionally drain you, it will
- Invest in your future: nurture your relationships with good subs and with community
- Be loyal to those who echo your personality. How many people can you play with in your lifetime realistically? Focus on building a stable of regulars.
Don’t Drink Your Own Kool-Aid
- Don’t let your ego get in the way of your growth; no matter how long you have been at this, you don’t know it all
- Stay grounded. Do not base your self-esteem on how many people desire you. Do not objectify yourself. Understand that real power comes from within.
- Don’t let the dynamic affect your ego…don’t drink your own Kool-Aid
- Social reality only functions when we all regard each other as equals and with respect
- Beware getting “Mistress Disease” where you begin to think you are special or better than everyone else—nurture relationships with colleagues but also vanilla friends, buy real estate, have no debt, and save money for a rainy day
A Healthy, Natural Dynamic
- Never miss a chance to create amazing and incredible experiences for your clients
- Articulate what is important to you about your work…why do you enjoy it? Make that your practice. Being a kink dispenser is emotionally and spiritually expensive
Marketing and Branding
- You don’t compete with other Dommes—their messages are marketing, and are intended to create a vibe that is out to attract clients
- Remember that what you see online from peers is “branding”. Assume it’s largely played-up, and often simply untrue. Being eaten alive with competitive feelings only hurts you. (Nobody is that elegant, that cool, or that consistent in real life. Really. We all wake up without makeup on, with our hair a mess, with bad breath, and we’re all imperfect in our awareness of ourselves and our approaches to others).
- Create a brand that is true to you; marketing as a generic “domme of all trades” will only attract annoying clients who see you as a fantasy object
- Make your domme persona something you can easily step into because it is true to who you are
Safety
- Safety first: screen with email, screen with phone, screen in person, verify, trust your gut
- Email applications may be good for weeding out time wasters, but guys who book properly & pay deposits can still be dangerous. Make a habit of speaking with every new client on the phone. You can tell a lot from tone, choice of language, way they address you…
- If you do in-person sessions, trust your gut and screen as if your life depends on it (because it does)
Self-Care and Balance
- Self care is vital; think long term…I might like the $, but would I take it if I am thinking along the lines of doing this work for the next decade? This is a marathon not a sprint
- Create balance in your life, and don’t just surround yourself with submissive personality types because unchecked power literally makes your brain unable to see things from other perspectives—which makes for a shitty human and a bad Domme!
- Schedule time off every week and stick to it—be ruthless about social media (it isn’t real), and always learn and expand and try new things so that you don’t get stuck in a rut.
Boundaries
- Know your boundaries and stick to them; never do something because you need the money or you will burn out
- Keep entitled subs at bay. They aren’t worth the trouble
- Know your boundaries and keep to them. Once you have broken them it is difficult to put them back
- “No” is a full sentence. It requires ZERO explanation. Use it. No client is worth sacrificing your comfort or bending your boundaries for. Say “No” and say it with your full chest. They heard you the first time. Don’t baby these grown-assed men.
When I read a series of posts like this I am stirred by so many emotions. It is beautiful what these women do for a living. The challenges they face are real and so many of them are made worse by social judgement or stigma—issues of personal safety, the risks of being ostracised, the very real cost of being shut out of the financial system. I feel very privileged to have been able to read these posts and I hope that sharing them here again in this way will stimulate thought and support for these amazing people.
Getting to read posts like these feels a bit like being a child in the room, unseen, unobserved with a group of adults in conversation. It is a real treat.
Beyond Non-Binary 
One thought