Why do we lose the ability to connect in this way? Can we get it back?
I guess you have to believe in auras to be able to dig this post. But even if you don’t, I don’t believe anyone disagrees that we all put out energy, some of it good, some of it bad. Some great movies have been made that explore this, whole genres.
Ever since I was small I have believed in auras, and while I cannot “see” them, I can very often “feel” them. Some people put out a lot of signal energy, and it is easy to pick it up. I’ve been thinking a lot about the energy we all put out quite a bit lately. That may not be too surprising, given the focus on the spiritual and emotional that is flourishing in my life right now.
Growing up I was drawn to the fantasy genre of literature, not sci-fi though, just other worlds that seemed more descriptive of parallel universes, places I could imagine inhabiting. Tolkien created such a world with his books, and I read them all more than once. Ursula K Le Guinn, with her Earthsea books did the same. Tanith Lee also described at times worlds filled with wonder and love, and there was a gentle softness to her books which has stayed with me like a dreamy feather boa that gathers around. Such books could take me away, and away is always where I wanted to be.
My father absolutely hated my love of these books. Some nasty exchanges, plenty of belittling, and aggression came from him to me, as if that would help shake it loose. But what he didn’t see is that my psyche needed to escape—I’m not sure I even knew that, but I certainly felt happiest when lost in these fantasy worlds…and as with any good book, you can leave your body when you are truly captured by the tale.
And I see a parallel to a love of fantasy and the spiritual. As a child, I did get to spend vast amounts of time in nature, especially over the summers. My grandparents had houses, at the beach, in a forest, in a community…and we spent most of our holidays visiting them. Our mother encouraged outdoor pursuits, hiking, canoeing, camping, anything in the outdoors, and this also dictated our vacations. I bought a book to wild edible plants, Petersen’s Field Guide to the Wild Edible Plants of the Northeaster United States one summer that we rented a large cabin in the woods in Vermont near the NH border. I don’t even know why I thought to buy it. I was 11. This was also the summer that I first really began to wear girl’s clothes, as the owners of the house had a daughter my age and my size, and I was in her pink and frilly bedroom…and no, I didn’t wear her knickers, and it was pre-sex in my mind, but I did wear her blouses, skirts, and dresses in the moments that I felt safe to do so. I digress.
I took that book out into the woods around our house. I took the book down the miles of dirt roads around us with their life-filled verges. I took it to the banks of the Connecticut river. And I tried to both identify every plant I could find that looked interesting, and I read the book to find plants that I should wish to encounter.
My family graciously tolerated my experiments. Sweet goldenrod tea, yarrow to stop bleeding and in tea and smoked, red sumac berries in tea, wild cucumber, wild carrot, jewel weed to cure poison ivy…I was a witch doctor, or a druid, and absolutely loved to feel nature around me. I was sure that I could hear the trees, and I could really commune. Trees, by the way, do speak, but they speak very softly. Mainly they talk about their presence.
In life, one of the most important things is presence. Our natural state, our stress-free state, is one of presence. I struggle at being present for so many reasons, and I believe that many of us do. I am learning about this in many ways, and one of the most important aspects of personal growth is to be able to join the present. Difficulty at being present is characteristic of ADD people [touched on here], but no, I am not using that as an excuse, just a common symptom. It is also characteristic of the “Leaving” Personality Pattern [talked about here]. And certainly, both Mistress and my Therapist are helping me to work on this [talked about here]. I mention all of this because trees speak presence. Being in nature, especially with trees, is something that really helps with that.
I am curiously drawn to Mistress in natural landscapes, and every time she has manifested herself in one of my dreams it has been in a forest environment [written about here and here for example]. I also like nothing better than being able to spend time with her in a natural setting. She demands presence of me, which is wonderfully healing, and the trees help coax me towards her and towards manifesting myself physically.
Being present means calming the mind. It means not thinking of a million things at once, and in reducing the noise. Trees do not have noise. They have one channel. Animals have very little noise. Their worldview is much simpler, and so, they are more present. Babies and small children have this quality too. When you are present, you can feel the world around you much more clearly. You cannot convey calm unless you are present.
One of the most cherished aspects of my interaction with both Therapist and Mistress goes to how they are encouraging me to learn the skills it takes to be more present. Meditation is one way, but so too are mindfulness techniques, and also ways of thinking. A by-product of this has been active work on my part to focus and calm my mind. And I had evidence that it is working today.
This morning, before my daily run, I spent a good bit of time stretching outside. I have been getting stiff lately because I haven’t spent enough time on this aspect of the run, which may even be more important for wellness than the run itself. As I stretched, I incorporated some of the mindfulness methods that I have been practicing. Focussing down, quieting the noise in my brain. I was sending positive energy towards Mistress as I stretched, and I heard a small flutter next to me. A dove had landed on the paving just next to me, perhaps 5 feet away. And it was just watching me. It turned, looked at me from one eye, and the other, and then settled down, fluffed its feathers, and just made itself comfortable as I stretched. It didn’t eat, or walk around, or do anything other than look at me. I felt that either the theta waves I was sending were so powerful that it knocked the bird out, or that it felt them and was curious about them, finding them soothing. I was sure that the bird could hear me. She stayed put even as I walked away to begin my run.
A few minutes later I was running through a forested area and a number of feral cats who are fed by the community (as a means to control the potential rodent population) were traipsing along together towards one of the caregivers who feeds them. Just as I ran by, two doves flew down from a tree and landed amongst them and the cats paid them no mind. There were 10 cats, and any one of them could have pounced, but the birds were without fear. I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of dove-related energy I was putting out. This is more unusual than it sounds in that one does not associate where I live with doves at all. Lot’s of other birds, but I can’t recall having ever seen doves around here except on the most unusual occasions.
And these sightings got me back to thinking about how animals can sense and feel our auras. They can speak to one another telepathically. I am not coming up with nonsense, this has been confirmed by science as well as the observation of millions of pet owners, so is beyond the scope of this post [a bit rich considering my meandering style!]. I believe that babies also have this gift. Ask any mother if she cannot feel and sense her babies needs, even when they are not in the same room. In those early parts of life, telepathic communication between mother and child are vital for survival and healthy development.
But once those basic needs are met, the child begins to explore the world around it, and it is at this point, that a child’s ability to see aura, to feel and see energy, is at its maximum. I have long believed that small children and animals can see me in ways that nobody else can. My children have long pointed out how other children, random babies and children that we encounter, are often fascinated by me. They stare, and in the end, we play. I have always thought that I am giving off a glowing light, and that they see it, and that is why they look at me. Given that these are not just the ramblings of my own mind, I feel now confirmed that something is going on.
But certainly, any of the more mystical among us will take this as given. A quick google search will yield up plenty on the topic. I paraphrase here from one such site, www.psychologicallyastrology.com, in a post on whether babies can see auras:
“Our bodies are electromagnetic” and give off different colours of energy, in range from white-gold to brown-black. “Babies can see auras clearly,” and they do so as a survival and developmental necessity, as “auras never lie” and because babies are so “vulnerable” it is safe for them to use auras as a guide to their experience and trust. “This is especially true of babies who are still on mother’s milk, as they have not yet developed a sense of ‘me’ as distinct from the mother, and so, are without ego.”
Developmental science has shown that the vast power of the human brain at birth is almost beyond comprehension. Early development is a huge process of the brain forming connections, and learning how to work, in ways that are relevant to the environment and circumstance of the child. Over time, especially during the first years of life, the child brain is forging connections in the trillions, but is also dropping even more, as they are deemed not necessary for survival. Much of this is a function of what and how we teach our children. Because most people are unaware of, or give short shrift to the spiritual, or to things as arcane as auras, these natural talents are lost.
How many of us as children can recall that we “saw things that were not there”, or “felt things that were not there”, or had imaginary friends? These things are real, they are not just tricks of the mind. The enlightened parent pays attention to these and teaches the child to feel.
I was very recently with my bees and fussing around with them, opening their hive boxes, and taking out honey, and just generally poking around. With one hive in particular, they went absolutely nuts. They swarmed my head, and were all over my face and in my hair, and were biting me [no, they were not stinging me, but that is another story], and it was just too much. And just then, I heard a voice in my head to calm down and focus and to let them know that my intentions were pure. And so, I sat down right there next to the hive and put out calming energy, and it was surreal how quickly they picked up on it…it was like the volume button on a TV jammed to white noise, and it went from a roar to a murmur and then disappeared. I did not know this was possible, but Mistress informed me that bees are very energy aware. That might be why I like them so much!
I touched on what a nut my Therapist is. I mean that in a respectful and warm-hearted way Dr.! She informed me the other day that the way she interacts with me is very different than how she relates to her other patients. Specifically, all this spiritual stuff. Within the first two minutes of us talking for the first time she told me that she had ESP and could communicate telepathically, and she could tell that I was clairvoyant, claircognizant, clair-this-that-and-the other. It was important for me to hear that. Why?
Because my spiritual and emotional development stopped at puberty. I became desperate to conform, to fit in, and I shut down so many aspects of myself from the spiritual to the non-binary and devalued huge aspects of myself. I have written about how damaging that was, and how at times that meant suicidal thoughts [written about here]. The essence of the journey I am on is to pick up the baton where I dropped it all those years ago in the forest, when I was still listening to the trees and the world around me. And all those years spent in therapy of the classical kind, which all helped me to survive and navigate the world of “fitting in” and “being professional”, and thank goodness, helped me survive and thrive…but thankfully, they are drawing to a close. And I am entering a phase where I can be myself. That it is okay to do so.
But I sure can tell that the more I pay attention to these new channels, the richer my life is becoming. I also am reconnecting with people in ways that have rejuvenated friendships…and am learning to live without guilt in how I love, and being okay with how different that may be from social expectation.
I had a wonderful conversation with an old friend this morning about a woman who is a mutual friend, who is recently divorced, and is one who I just as recently re-connected with after having not seen her in 30 years. And I remarked on how much I found I really liked who she has become, and I said, “I think I have a chaste crush on her,” and my friend, who knows about all of this going on in my life, immediately went to, “well, she has a crush on you, and you should hook up. Oh, you’re married, not a good idea.” My reply? “I said chaste crush. Emphasis on chaste.”
“Well, we’ve had chaste crushes on each other since we’ve known each other, and we’re not having sex until hell freezes over!” she laughed.
“It’s so liberating to just love someone for who they are, and to be fascinate by them, and supportive, and warm, and friendly, and to not have to fear sex.”
“Yeah, like friends.”
“Yes. Only I feel that way about soul mates too.” She knows how long it has been that my wife and I have not had a roll in the sack. [Written about here]. But there are other ways to give love, to receive love, and not everyone is wired the same, and not everyone feels the need to get all of it from one person.
So what am I doing? Cleaning up my aura, learning to be pure, learning to express that purity, and above all, to give to those around me in a way that is healing, supportive, and with an innocent heart. What a tall order! But these first steps have showed me that it can and will be done.
Beyond Non-Binary 
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