In our case, it has meant no sex for a very long time.
This post has been brewing for a long time. It is one that I have been afraid to post, in part out of a fear that I will be judged, and that recognition that not all is well in “hooville” is damning.
I still remember the time as if it was yesterday. It was at a restaurant in November of 2008. My wife said, “your sexuality disgusts me,” and it was said with a cold determination that I knew meant there was no hope.
We had been living a lie for so long already. I had been going through the motions, spending time being intimate, but I was always elsewhere in my head. Trying to balance my desire to please her, to satisfy her, with my own needs to feel wanted, to be aroused. I was happy to touch her, to be sensuous, but she took it as a personal affront if I was not intensely aroused when I was with her–measured by how hard I was.
We could have sex, yes, but in my mind I was very far away when we did, with someone else, doing something else. That was the only way for me to be able to copulate with her. It was a struggle, being sexually present with someone who judged in this way. I knew that the things I wanted she would never give. I also knew that my sexuality was deeply a part of me.
Having had relationships with partners who were not judgemental in the past, or who even enjoyed playing in the same ways I did, told me that it was possible. But I also knew that society would rule in her favour, that in reality, I was the one on the fringes. So, in the end, I acquiesced, I didn’t make demands. And I shut down.
That particular evening, I had broached the subject of play, sexuality, fun things we could do. To be fair, we had tried, she had tried. She read The Mistress Manual, by Lorelei. I had asked if she would. She didn’t like it, didn’t like the concepts. Was troubled by it. Now I know how misguided that book is–as it is all about male pleasure, not at all about female pleasure, and why a woman would want to be dominant in the first place.
She had also read a book or two on cross-dressing husbands—back in the day when I thought that cross-dressing was what I did, but was struggling to explain why cross-dressing wasn’t a turn on per se. [I wrote about that here].
She had even bought me a few pairs of panties—those kind of plain white every day pairs that she wore. Granny panties! Or boy shorts. I am not sure I loved the message contained in that selection of panties. But she had made an effort, though it appeared to have come at great cost. She couldn’t help but feel alienated by this. She just wanted to connect physically and emotionally, and not have anything else there. I did too, but connecting means being me…and what I learned, what we learned, is that sexual me was “disgusting” to her.
I am reminded of this from time to time as she will use this word in this context even still. If a conversation drifts at all in a sexual direction, if I make a reference to something I find titillating, if I acknowledge that my preferred workout routines are ones with female coaches rather than male ones, she tells me with ice in her voice that she finds it “disgusting.”
I told her that night in 2008, that first time that she used those words with me, that I would never sleep with her again. And I meant it. I keep my word in all ways, good and bad. And so, indeed, we have not had sexual relations of any kind since that time. She knew I meant it when I said it, and she had this terrible, frightened look on her face when I said it. That was that evening when she gave me permission to go outside of our marriage for sexual encounters, for chances to live out my “fetishes” as she described them. And part of me feels that this accommodation was granted out of duress…that she did it because she thought it would bring me back to her. But how can you “come back” to someone who doesn’t respect you, or who negates the very core of your being? Permission to play doesn’t change reality.
The guilt I feel from this is immense. To not provide for my SO in a sexual way is a weight that crushes me. Part of me says I should rise above and selflessly find my way to give to her anyway, but the other part of me says that doing so is to negate me.
I am not asking for a solution. We have settled into a sexless marriage. I love her anyway. She is my best friend, but there are no longer “fringe benefits”. I made my choice. I did have previous girlfriends who were sexually extremely satisfying, but who didn’t last for all the more important reasons. My SO was all the more important reasons a thousand times over, but the sex part was not so great.
For years, it didn’t really matter to me. Indeed, self-pleasure was convenient and easy. It was private, fantasy-filled, and provided a necessary outlet. I know that she knew what I was up to, perhaps not when, but out of sight did not mean gone from my life. You can’t keep diapers in the house or a feminine wardrobe, drawers of lingerie and outfits, without your SO knowing. But she never said anything, so I could operate under the illusion that it was just not there…and that was a kind of uneasy truce.
I did wonder if she was having affairs, and in truth, it would not have surprised me. The idea used to bother me, because it felt like a betrayal. A few years ago, though, it stopped mattering. That was about the same time that I began to feel secure that she would never leave me. We had a number of friends whose husbands strayed, and they got divorced, and we saw how destructive that was for both parties, health-wise and mentally. I have always wanted her to have the financial freedom to walk away, which has always helped me to stay on my best behaviour, for perversely, I have a tendency to dominate. [I wrote about this here]. It drove me nuts that over time, this became less and less so–her dependence on me financially, emotionally, and on many other ways just drove me further away.
Finding my way into D/s with a Mistress who does not judge, and allows for the self-expression of things that have long been sources of shame and pain, both to me and to others, is a big part of what is so liberating about D/s. It also may be why it is so important for me to be “out” as a /s. These are things I am still coming to understand.
So, yes, I can be more and more present for my SO and for my children, as a friend, as a Father, as a partner, but as a lover, I don’t know. I feel so terribly guilty and raw when I think about it. And I don’t really know what to do. Should I do anything at all? I wonder if I even want to go back, to try at this point. But it is hard to love someone knowing that a big part of who you are has to remain hidden because to reveal it provokes self-hate.
Why did I do it? I accepted a narrative that my sexuality was disgusting in the eyes of society. Knowing that shining a bright light on it would always mean that I could only lose credibility, be shamed, and that I would feel it acutely. By choosing a partner that was most certainly in the vanilla world, I cemented this narrative into my life. Somehow, however, I felt I had to do it. It was my only way of embracing vanilla…and in the end, she is what keeps me tethered to the vanilla world. I love the vanilla world and all the things that are in it…but I also feel like a giant fraud, that I am there as an impostor.
My journey as it goes forward has to be one of self-acceptance…and a big part of that is going to be coming clean about what I am really like, who I really am. I don’t know if I can do it any other way. Lord knows I’ve tried long enough. Once the children are grown…Once I have retired…
What would you do?
This is a beautifully honest read. I don’t judge. I think you and your wife are allowed to determine which factors are most important to you. I think it is possible to love someone and want to continue a marriage commitment to that person even if the sexual compatibility is not there. Thank you for sharing
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Thanks for this, much appreciated. It was the most difficult post to write, most difficult thing to come to terms with. We joked the other day that our marriage is “sexless” but we have beautiful children and many other things going for us…
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This post breaks my heart. You are so brave for sharing this, honey. While I do think it is beautiful that the two of you have found so much fulfillment in the other ways that you connect and share a life together, I also feel that you deserve to be loved for exactly the way you are. You deserve to know total acceptance. I am grateful that Mistress is in your life, and that your SO loves you enough to allow you to have your needs met in this way. Thank you for sharing this with us… I am proud to know such a brave and beautiful person ❤
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You are such a dear sweet angel, and I appreciate your comment so much. it was really hard to write about this, let alone talk about it. I have been wanting to write it, or at least been thinking about it for a few months now, and today it finally came out. Lot’s. of tears I’m afraid.
I don’t know if I. could say “deserve”. I made the choices I made and I don’t regret any of them. While I would love to have found someone that would accept all of me, maybe that is asking too much. I would so love to submit to her, but she so doesn’t want it. And I don’t know where our. relationship would have gone with D/s in it. Indeed, this is one of life’s great imponderables for me. Miss Rosa, a lifestyle Domme I am very fond of, and who has been a teacher to me, has told me that love is compatible with a lifestyle kink. And I have met one or two others through this and other platforms. I will also start going to munches and things like that to meet more people in the community. It is time.
I am blessed to be finding a path, and long may it continue. The. journey is certainly fascinating. I have no regrets. I grew up in religious schools, in a conservative community, with very strong expectations of the role I had to play. I’ve done it. But I have also had enough of living by the rules of others, and am starting to let myself be free. I hope I don’t hurt anyone along the way, but it is no longer possible for me to hide and pretend.
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And I will be here to read about these new adventures, my friend!
No love is perfect. While Daddy loves me just the way I am, he just doesn’t have a dominant bone in his body, which is why I seek out someone who can love me in that unique way. Each couple has to find ways to make their relationship work for them, whatever the challenges. But hear me when I say this… you DO deserve to be loved just the way you are ❤
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Well, in this particular way I have no desire to change…in others yes, but as I find myself travelling into D/s, I am happier and happier at what I find, and believe it is most definitely a path to a better me.
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Wow that sounds like a bumpy road but in the end, it seems you have found a destination that you both could live with.
I’m not sure I would ever be able to live like you do, as I do like to be sexually intimate with my partner (if I have one, been single for more than 3 years now). Sex isn’t the most important thing for me in a relao, something my ex struggled with I think, I am more about the connection, shared things and beliefs/values and yeah, if we can be intimate when we feel like it, I would not object. 😊
Thank you for writing so openly about your life and journey. It’s a nice way to learn about different ways of life, it shows me different kinds of love and lust and how people can make it work.
Some days I wished my marriage would still work, as there are moments where I miss both my ex as the financial stability we had together. But other days, I’m quite content to be on my own, with my Labrador gall. No one that judges, no one that disturbs my set routine (or what I want to watch on TV 😉).
Thank you again for taking us all along on your beautiful yet difficult (and maybe, for me, different as well) journey… 😊
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Hi Cynni Pixy: Thanks so much for writing this and sharing. It is appreciated. Your comment had gotten caught in the spam folder until now when I just spotted it. I hear you. In my life I have had a small number of relationships that were deeply sexually fulfilling, but of those only one was a “good” relationship and had the potential to last. Indeed, I shall regret on one level not asking to marry the woman I was with at the time, but my life went in a direction at that point professionally that took me to another country, and her career was a beautiful, and so we said goodbye–it’s the only time I stopped being with someone because of life circumstances instead of finding incompatibility. But when the sex is there and everything else is too, it is pretty special…but I came to understand that not everything exists in one package. Although I am not polyamory, I do think there is something to it. And in a way I am living it on one level.
My sexuality has meant that it is not always easy to share with a partner what is largely going on in my head. I’d say that Mistress is the first person that I am really present for, both in fantasy and in real life, though we don’t do truly sexual things–erotic yes, but sexual is out of bounds for both of us–and I find that rather suits me.
I live on the edge. I mean that with the pun that being faithful, aroused, eroticised, and also chaste puts me into a spiritual zone with both my SO and Mistress, and that not only feels good, but also I find makes me more present…I am thinking in particular that it pushes me to grow–to be a better person for either of them, but also myself, and the other important people in my life.
There is no sin in love. It is a beautiful and enriching, ennobling feeling. By sublimating the desire for intercourse, but still keeping sensuality alive, I find that love is much closer to the surface with me–emotions too. We are all survivors in one way or another. I don’t complain, I made the bed I lie in, and I am mostly happy with it…and where I am not, I seek to change things.
Thanks again for your comment.
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No worries! I am glad you chose to reply, and such a long one at that too!
I have been in a poly relationship for about 5 years and while it did satisfy me in more than one way, it could be hard as well, as I was eager to please both my loves… It had its advantages, that’s for sure, especially the financial aspect as we had 3 decent incomes and lived in one house, so shared costs… When I struggle with my money these days, I sometimes think back to when I had about €450 to spend as I wished every month! Now I’m happy if there’s €4,50 in my account at the end of the fiscal month 😔
Sorry to read that it could not work out with that one lady… But then, you might not be where you are now, going through your journey with the wife and Mistress… I find it very interesting to read about, so ever post gets read by me. And after that, I will like it. I find it hard to always comment as sometimes I just don’t know what to say 😇.
Thanks again for sharing your life, or at least these parts, on your blog here with me, with us, your readers. 😊 Have a fabulous day!
Thanks Cynni it is a pleasure. Your own life in a poly house sounds fascinating. I am sure it would make a wonderful post and I would certainly love to read it. The best part of blogging has proven to be the various people I have “met” online and who have engaged in conversation. We all have something to learn. And seeing the world through the eyes of others is sometimes a helpful way.