When you realise that submission is not a desire but an existential need

There is something about me and my life and my place in my life now that has brought out my submissive self.  Lurking inside of me since I was a child, she [submissive id me] has asserted herself enough to dip her toes in the waters of D/s.  What she has found is so deeply enticing, that there is no going back.

I can’t understand it.  I can’t begin to understand where it comes from.  I don’t think I was born this way, but I also can’t think of any incident in my life that would have made me submissive.  Not one. 

I can think of plenty of small incidents along the way that that triggered me, made me feel intensely submissive in the moment, but I don’t think I would have had the words back then to say what it was I was feeling.

If anything, my life was just the opposite of submission.  One of constant rebellion.  And maybe that’s just it.  I became tired of rebelling.  Submission is a chance to let go, to stop fighting, to relax, to just be.  It is such a different state to my normal state, and the way I interact as a submissive with the person I am overtly submissive to, is a way of interacting that is reserved to this one person.  But that seems too easy, and I don’t believe myself when I say it.  What may be closer to the truth is that rebellion was like the barking of a dog—it was intended to warn people off, because the truth was far too vulnerable and too raw.

But now that I am grown up [at least in age], I don’t have the same fear of vulnerability anymore.  In fact, I seek it out, I feed on it, I love it.  And maybe that’s why now it feels like a good time to get to know my submissive self.

I am aware that these isolated interactions in the world of D/s are changing me.  But what I realise is that it isn’t a desire to change.  It isn’t that I want to be submissive.  It isn’t that I have an erotic fantasy about submission.  It is that I have this visceral need to be collared, owned, and controlled.  To feel the yoke of another on me, to no longer exercise free will, if only just for a little while.  And why?  Where does that come from?  How can something like that be a need?

I have no idea, and I am wondering if I ever will.  Probably not, and that means learning to accept it, to just allow myself to feel it, to just let go.  

I’d love to hear from other submissives out there—what is it that you need that submission feeds?  Where does it come from?  Similarly, from Dommes, what is it that you are pushing for in a sub that feeds the dynamic—for the sub, but also for you?

I have heard some Dommes say that they love to see a sub open up before them like a flower or a split open melon, raw, hungry, vulnerable, filled with desire.  Is that what it is?

I can tell you what it feels like.  It usually starts as a tightness in my chest.  A kind of squeezing feeling the same as if I am about to cry, but it isn’t a sad feeling, but a euphoric feeling.  That tightness spreads, and when it gets to my belly it really takes a hold of my guts, and gives them a nice, tight embrace.  If it reaches my loins it takes over my mind and I lose language and just want to be lost in a trance of sub-space…

I see myself on my knees.  I see myself collared.  I see myself in Mistress’s presence.  I imagine her asking something of me, or of me giving to her, and I have a kind of deep, spiritual arousal that washes over me. Every part of me aches with desire, not sexual, not a desire to possess, just a desire to be.  To be spiritually held by Mistress.  To be tied to Her.  To belong to Her.  To be Her property—cherished, valued, but all Hers.  How can one ever understand something like that?  

Maybe I shouldn’t even try.  What I do know is that it sure feels great.

7 thoughts

  1. I know this feeling, at least my life’s version of it. It started as respite you might say, just for a while as you stated. It then turned into a lifestyle choice.
    I won’t go further here, I’m a rather private person despite appearances! LoL Feel free to reach out if you like, I’d love to discuss it further, pick your brain! *wink* 73nijntje@gmail.com (please delete this email once you get the comment, thank you! )

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I could answer some of these questions, my friend… but I am afraid that I cannot. I have no idea where this need inside of me comes from. Like you, I find myself between two worlds…a world with my husband where I am often the leader, and a world with my Sir, where my submission is nurtured and given space to flourish. I sometimes feel like I am two personas, housed in the same mind. Smiles. I am sorry I cannot offer you more clarity at this time….. XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am finding that I learn a lot by interacting with people I meet through this and other means. I am blessed in having a small but growing circle of Dommes who are teaching me and guiding me–and who seem to be genuinely interested in helping me serve Mistress better, and to grow as a person as I do…and other subs who are an unexpected pleasure–I didn’t naturally think that would be true, but it is really kind of reassuring to be able to have pen pals who know what it fees like.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Beyond Non-Binary

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