One of the pluses of living nowadays is a growing vocabulary to describe aspects of gender and sexuality

Without words like “non-binary” to describe a state of being, it is almost impossible to understand oneself. Being a “little” is another term that fits better than all the others in the ABDL world.

Over dinner the other day we all got to talking about how “difficult it is for children growing up today with all these issues around pronouns and identity, and so on.”  It seems that this is a conversation that many families and many groups of people are having.

Only I disagree.  And I advocated for my position with my SO and children.  The discussion around pronouns and identity words is deeply positive for me.  As a non-binary person, when I was growing up, and feeling confused, and wondering about me, the word non-binary didn’t exist.  When the words to describe don’t exist it is hard to express yourself, and if you can’t describe something with language, then you can’t understand it either.

The discussion around pronouns and identity is totally liberating.  Finally, there are words to describe how I feel, how I feel about my body, how I feel about my personality, my interests, the way I love, the way I relate to people.  And I think that for anyone who needs those pronouns or broader language pool to draw on for their self-identity, it has to be a very positive thing.  It is not confusing, it is uplifting.

“Non-binary” has become a very powerful and liberating word for me.

Ditto the word “little” to describe the landscape of infantilism.  Infantilism, ABDL, fetish, all are times that encompass a great many flavours of kink.  None of them ever felt right to me.  They were clinical, and I could not find myself in them.  I could also not find myself in 99% of the stories or interactions online. But there are aspects of the fetish which appeal to me.

But for me it is an emotional space.  I am not comfortable with fetishism.  A fetish is meant to be when a particular object, item of clothing, etc. takes on a deep significance for sexual gratification.  That doesn’t describe me, and I have never been able to relate to using diapers, pretending to be a baby, wanting to wear diapers 24/7…all the things that seem to dominate the “ABDL community”.

I am beginning to understand where this comes from in my life, and why I like what I like in relation to this particular paraphilia.  Like most all who are drawn to this particular kink, there was never a time when we were not drawn to it.  But what I am looking for has little to do with the accessories, but everything to do with where their use can transport my mind.  In other words, I am looking for a feeling, an emotional feeling, a headspace. A diaper, the smell of baby powder can both help create the conditions of getting me there.  But these are nothing compared to what a partner can do by just making suggestive commentary, or by just calling me a particular name, or names, by relating to me in a certain way.

The goal for me is being able to crawl back into a mind-space where everything was safe, and warm, and soft…and to just stay there and feel it all around me, just relish it. Nothing more.

One of Mistress’s subs is a diaper lover.  Reading his bio and profile, and how he related to and interacted with Mistress helped me develop the courage to contact her in the first place…and while I am not looking for what he is looking for in this regard, knowing that it was okay to express this sort of feeling, was a huge part of giving me comfort that it was safe to play with Her.

This whole world of ABDL is laced with shame…this is one of the fetishes that attracts the most derision and opprobrium, and was for me always my deepest, darkest secret.  I still don’t know what to say about it, what to think about it, how I feel about it.  But I do know that I need to “grow up” to be able to enjoy it without guilt.

Being able to play in this head-space with someone who is not judgemental, and who has already given me such freedom, is surely going to be a positive experience.  Already, I feel better because I can articulate what I feel, how I feel about it, and how nice it is to have a word “little” that describes how I feel and how I like to relate to the “adult” in the dynamic.  But in truth, the accessories don’t need to be a part of it to make the feelings accessible.

Though like anyone, I don’t like to be judged, and of all the self-revealing things I have written about, for some reason this is the only one I have felt worried about revealing for just that reason.

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