The problem with my Domme is “my”

I shall refer to her for now and evermore with deep and enduring gratitude as the Woman who accepts my submission.

There was an excellent post I came across the other day on another platform, musing about many tropes that seem to come up fairly frequently in D/s.

  • is submission a gift?
  • who is really in charge?
  • does a sub really give up anything?
  • does topping from the bottom really exist?

All of this got me thinking. I am not an experienced person in the D/s world, but I have navigated my life as a submissive person, expressing it in different ways to random strangers and to the people closest to me. And I have been thinking a lot about these topics lately.

It is possible that what I say might be quite different if I were in a lifestyle D/s relationship instead of paying to see a professional Dominatrix. I can’t say; I don’t know.

It is a seductive thought that submission might be a gift…and perhaps in some ways it is. But a gift is given without expectation, without strings attached. Is the act of submission ever done with such innocence? Is it possible to consider one’s submission a gift when paying a Pro-Domme? I don’t think so. In my own experience, my submission is not a gift at all. It is a function of her presence, nothing more. In this sense, submission is a gateway, a process, a pre-condition. My submission and her Domination are rules that we engage by. She and I both use these rules to push one another, to cross new ground.

When I first met Her, I asked what she expected of me. What it would take for me to be worth her time and effort. “Give me your heart,” she asked, “be open, pliable, flexible, willing to follow where I lead.” There is no gift giving in that. There is a journey, a path we walk together. Submission in this sense is not the destination, it is simple a process through which I pass to go on the journey with her.

Am I in charge? Utterly not. In no way. To be at all in charge would be to risk breaking the spell. For the same reason I am utterly and completely physically weak in her presence. It is as if my mind empties my muscles of an ability to act with any force. She does not mock me when she wrestles me down, she understands…she understands her power. I don’t know if it comes from her or from me, but I do know that I don’t feel it with anyone else. And that physical feeling is echoed by a mental one. I don’t become stupid, on the contrary, my mind does somersaults, but it is constantly amazed and thrilled by Her awareness of her own power, of the rules that she lays down, and the opportunities that our interaction gives for her to point them out to me. She is training me, teaching me, and my submission is simply a tool of her control.

Submission in this sense has nothing to do with giving up anything at all. It is like a monk who meditates. The goal is the sublimation of the self. My needs, desires, wants, urges, hunger all disappear and become meaningless, just as they do for a monk who gains supreme self-control. It is like meditation. Who cares that it is sometimes kinky? There is no doubt in my mind that D/s is a form of meditation, the goal of which is the sublimation of the self. There’s no gift there, there is just a feeling of approaching the divine, a state of bliss, nirvana, sub-space.

When I am there, in that place, taken there because She delivered, She feels it too. Because just as I need to disappear in her hands, she too thrives on the power and mysticism of being the guide who gets me there. We are doing this together, and I know its safe to let go, because She is always there holding my hand, mentally, spiritually, physically.

Topping from the bottom? Just means that someone has forgotten how to let go.

Back to the headline. She’s not my Domme. She’s her own person, she is her own Domme. She has a life and people in that life. She has other clients. I have no thoughts of possession. I love that she has a full life, that she does have other clients, and that she gets to play and explore with others. It makes our time together more special. What I think of instead, is how grateful I am that this gifted and supremely talented Woman is willing to exercise her prodigious talents and imagination in playing with my id. It is performance art. But it is played out with just two people in the room. What a luxury. What a beautiful experience.

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