This post is conceived along the same lines as my last one, where I made the connection between the women I am attracted to and wondering what it feels like to be them, even wanting it. I am trying to understand my motivations.
Do I want to be a dominatrix because I like the idea of being one? Or do I want to be like those dominatrixes I have come to know? What about being a sex worker? Do I want to be a sex worker because I am attracted to sex workers? Is wanting to be something because you like the people who are that something somehow strange? And what of my origins as a sub? In the darkest recesses of my animal mind, is it possible that I want all these things, including a sex change, to show what a good sub I am? To whom? To my mother?
I would say that there are perhaps 20 or more posts in answer to those questions. But I will do my best to try. In some ways this blog has been a paean to the sex worker, to the dominatrix. I don’t believe I fetishize them, though I know the line can be blurry.
I am relentlessly attracted to sex workers, not because of their marketing or their persona or their fantasy, but because of what they do, what they represent. I equate sex work (and I mean the kind that I have encountered, which is safe, sane and consensual, a choice not made out of duress of any kind) with a kind of personal liberation. The anti-SW brigade would call that concept an impossibility. I call it a giant f-u to the patriarchy. A woman selling her body is the ultimate form of personal empowerment. There is a level of personal control and flirting with danger re the self, that has earned my deepest admiration.
Such a woman does not let go of her boundaries, of her agency, but takes them to the very edge. It is danger, in some ways as a bullfighter deals with a bull, overcoming it with artistry.
I speak generally of sex workers, but to me the dominatrix does this even more explicitly, taking the agenda right into the heart of the man. Chastity, cuckolding, even an FLR is a challenge to everything that our society is built on.
The reader will know of my belief that our sexual selves are the gateway to our shadows and to our whole truth. The sex worker is right in that place with us. Whether simply for play or for other reasons, the point is she dares to tread where society will not, let alone our own selves.
I cannot help but admire that. As with all things, some providers are not out for a common good, but that takes away nothing from the total effect. And boy, having dabbled on the edges of the industry for some time now, is this ever work.
I’ve been studying gender since my time at university. As a trans woman, I have spent my life grappling with gender issues, sex and sexuality, the rights of women, power imbalances, and what motivates us to behave the way we do as we think about how the sexes relate to each other. I know that I will never figure it out. I suspect I will never find a partner that is a match for me in this way. I’m not sure I need to anymore.
Already, the choice I made in getting married to my wife of two decades, was one of expediency. I wanted to have children. She was pretty. Professional. Well-educated. She ticked boxes, even if I didn’t love her in the same way, or ever lust after her, I did come to love her, and quite deeply. She says I used her, but in truth, she did the same. She became my best friend. I could see myself again with a best friend, but maybe with an emphasis on different things.
Why all this thought about being a dominatrix? Well, although I have been thinking about it for a while, I went on a date recently which brought things home for me. I need to make a living. My corporate path if nothing else, will become much harder. That isn’t reason, as it is deficit thinking.
More so, I really enjoy the company of dominant women. I don’t want them to dominate me anymore, I just like being around them. And I enjoy how they dominate other people. Specifically, men. And now that I am not a man, I can separate myself from ‘men’ and not be tarred by the brush. I attended an event recently with a group of dominatrixes who teach the skills, the arts of the craft.
As soon as they realised that I was not there to be submissive to them, but that I was thinking about becoming a domme, the relationship shifted. Almost more importantly, I felt things I have never felt before. First, I felt compassion for the men who were there who were expressing themselves in ways that are so heavily constrained by society. I know what it’s like to hide, and my heart melted for them, even though their kinks had never been mine. I was touched, and imagined myself capable of working with these men to help them grow or to experience a slice of themselves which is otherwise inaccessible.
But more importantly, the vibe which developed between me and the other women there was the most precious of all. After the event, that our conversation went to booty exercises or brands of stockings which don’t run so easily, or how much our feet were killing, was a kind of ‘normal’ feeling in the presence of women that is something that I craved for my entire life.
Part of this is why I cannot imagine being trans without surgery. Anything I can to de-masculinize myself is a part of this journey, for myself above all others.
What else? The sex workers I have come to know have been some of the warmest, gentlest, kindest people I have ever encountered, on the clock and off. It is hard to find people who don’t judge, especially people who really don’t judge about the things which have hurt me most in life: my gender and my sexuality. As I walk away from shame, I also walk away from people who try to drag me back. I don’t have time for that anymore, and that is going to cost me some important friendships, but it is coming and there is no way that I won’t pay that price.
Part of manifesting a future of beauty is being with the kind of people who resonate in ways that resonate with you. My date and I joked about the only way to have men around is to make them kneel, to spank them, to keep them in chastity. I genuinely feel that way, and I am sorry boys, but it is for the good of the world. The male dom might even be my first target. After all, we know that men have fragile egos. It shouldn’t take long…
In the meantime, I think that I am going to build the most artfully gorgeous “dungeon” suite in one of the prettiest places on earth. We need to bring the whip to some sexy places.
And perhaps some of the women along the way who helped me to become a better sub will also help me to explore this within myself. But there is a very real thread here too, one from my personal life. When I was turned down for a position because I am trans, a position for which I was wooed for almost a year and for which I was uniquely qualified, it triggered me in two ways. First, I welcome the discrimination, because as I embrace what it means to be a woman, I want it all, and this was confirmation that I am getting it, good and bad. Second, it made me want to fight, and to not be a doormat anymore. I want to own me. And becoming a dominatrix feels a bit like a way of fighting back. Of finding my tribe. Of building my tribe. Of defending and contributing to the group I have finally begun to join.
I’d love to hear what you think.
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“I want to own me”I think this is a very important step in being able to own one’s own life. Where I once thought I would want Dom in my life, I am finding that is no longer true. I have embraced who I am and I am now owning me. To let that go and allow another to own me seems to contradict where I am in my life. It is important to understand what owning one’s self means for you as the individual and not what society wants you to believe or think. I applaud you wanting to experience the whole of what women experience in this life. You gain a unique experience going from the male experience to the female experience. Your insights are delightful to read. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Hello my angel. Thank you. You are so sweet. I read an article about a trans woman who had what I considered a broadly similar attitude to mine–to just get on, but I came across her article through a wall of anger fed by our trans sisters…the complaint was that she was trying to “hide” by always moderating her behaviour, never rocking the boat…and I guess, the critics were right. That in the same way one must be a feminist as a woman, many feel that it is needed to go far and hard…and I can’t say I disagree with that.
There are plenty of women who deny that a trans woman has the legitimate “right” to call herself a woman…and I do hear and feel that. We have a different lived experience. But when the black woman employee in a Florida supermarket pulls me out of the line where I am waiting and opens a register just for me and calls me ‘baby’ she is saying she knows and appreciates what I have given up. She might think about the discrimination that I face, or will face, and that I did it anyway. She might consider that I crossed the line because I didn’t want to be a part of the tribe called “man”. One of my best friends is a very high-powered black woman executive, and the shit she faces blows my mind. When I came out to her, she said, “welcome to our side,” and I so appreciated that.
I love your thoughtful comments, and I appreciate that you take the time to read these rambling words of mine, and wish you much, much bliss.
Separately, I remember a long conversation I had over dinner with a dominatrix I knew who talked about the motivations of submissive women who come to her, but also her own motivations. In both cases, it was a way to reclaim agency. And I could understand it as she described it, from both sides of the slash. How we process the world around us, and find a state of equilibrium with our place in it, is so dependent on the complex factors that went into making us. One person might submit and other might seek to dominate simply because how we each process life requires a different coping strategy to bring us into balance.
I don’t think I am naturally submissive at all. At least not until a new friend noted that I was a doormat! But since the way I show that I care for people is through submission, and since she is one I care about, it is possible that there is confusion. My children think I am not at all submissive, and my close friends have noted that I am a firm and steady parent. But why should submission mean anything different than mastery. The opposite of mastery is most definitely not submission, perhaps learning, perhaps apprenticeship. As a submissive it is possible to have total mastery…and as my therapist has pointed out, this has to begin with the self.
The life changing question she asked of me was “why don’t you try to be the dominatrix to yourself that you have always craved…be that person for yourself, and let your submissive self show her just what a good girl you are. How about it? I want you to try.”
But it’s funny. The more that works, the more specific I feel I can be about what is going on inside of me…and what I need on any given day, at any given moment…for example, some days things happen, and I know what I need is a whipping. What I crave…Life is sure fun, isn’t it?
I had a friend tell me after he shortly met me and read my blog about being submissive and looking for a Dom, that he could never see me in a D/s relationship because I was too independent and too strong of a woman.
I have recently discovered how true this is. I like dominant men, just not a dominant man who wants to control me. I like being independent. I like doing what I want when I want to.
I believe my childhood taught me to be submissive while entering life on my own at 18, I had to learn to be my own dominant and take control of my life because there definitely wasn’t and has not been anyone I care to turn that over to.
I really like what your therapist suggested to you. From time to time I ask myself why I can’t be the dominant I need for the submissive part of me.
I have a bit of a problem with doing certain tasks because of the noise in my head from my childhood making it difficult for me to do them or feel happy about what I accomplished. Having a Dom instruct me on those tasks made it possible for me to enjoy them.
Then I remembered something that happened earlier this year where a man took offense to something I wrote. He threatened me. I blocked him but this was so scary to me I took down my writing and didn’t write anything for a couple of months. I love writing and missed it terribly, so one day I decided to take it all back and not let anyone interfere with my writing again.
And I did.
I started thinking about this incident and what it was telling me. It is important we take full ownership of ourselves, our lives, and what we do and not let anyone take it from us. I decided it was time to take ownership of those tasks I need to do which I had trouble doing because of the voice of my father, an angry old man. I am taking back everything he took away from me.
In this way, I think I am learning to be that dominant I need.
This is why, “I want to own me” struck such a cord with me.
I appreciate the time you take to respond to my comments and the stories you tell. I might not be trans but your posts resonate with me. I like how you express the difference between the male world and the female world. More people should read what you have written because it gives insights that can help both genders understand each other better.
But you write such beautiful comments yourself. And I am glad you have started blogging again, and I am sorry to hear that some jerk interfered with that joyful outlet for you. That’s really horrible that someone would do that.
One of my posts attracted the most horrific rants on another platform, including from a self-described biology professor at Stanford who stated that male dominance and ownership of reproductive rights is a biological fact and that I was an idiot to suggest otherwise…I could probably get him fired for that…and even though it isn’t the kind of person I am, I am thinking, why not, why not expose the bastard for his messed up views?
Learning to assert boundaries, to defend myself is an essential life lesson. My wife is giving me a crash course in the necessity! But I get plenty of chances in daily life.
In a way, me being trans in a way is neither here nor there…I could be from any minority group, and the lessons would hold…and in a way you could insert whatever issue might arise in identity…I think that is why I have found such explicit support from minority groups in the US. Interestingly, because race relations and the socio-economic divide between those who have and everyone else is smaller in Europe, it doesn’t seem to matter as much over here. I am glad that you see past that.
It is very touching that you take the time to read my posts, and that they strike you, make you think about things…that’s very important to me too. It is the ultimate reward.
We do share submission, and I wonder if it isn’t just this deep desire to have someone take care of us…the independence I feel is a thread which I have held close since childhood, as it was this independence which kept me safe, allowed me to thrive, to have my private time, private space, and an inner world which I knew others couldn’t see or comment on or hurt, because they didn’t know it existed. That independence continues to exist in me in a way to feed that inner world, a kind of inner flame.
What allows me to express myself freely on the blog is that almost nobody knows of its existence. In the end, the very small number of people who do know, I wish in retrospect that I had never told. It sometimes puts breaks on my words that I wouldn’t want there.
Warm regards. PLJ