Breaking News: God Not a Man After All, Heaven Issues Apology to Women

VATICAN CITY, JERUSALEM, YOUR GRANDMOTHER’S BACKYARD SHRINE —

In a stunning reversal of a 5,000-year PR campaign, sources close to the Divine have confirmed that God is, and has always been, non-binary with strong femme energy. The revelation has left major world religions scrambling to reprint scriptures, repaint ceilings, and reschedule centuries of misogyny.

“We regret the error,” said an angelic spokesperson in a press briefing. “Turns out the Almighty wasn’t a bearded sky-daddy but more of a cosmic femme-top with womb memory.”

Bull I: God Has Tits

Word of God Gendered Incorrectly for Millennia; Grammar Teachers Were Right

Linguists reviewing ancient scripture confirmed the Spirit of God in Hebrew—Ruach—is grammatically feminine. This has led to a mass resignation from the global theological translation committees, citing “irreparable masculine embarrassment.”

In what theologians are now calling the most awkward mistranslation in ecclesiastical history, scholars have confirmed:

God has tits.

Yes, literal, scriptural, grammatical tits.

• Ruach, the Hebrew word for the Spirit of God, is grammatically feminine—and appears right at the start of Genesis. She hovered over the waters like a divine doula prepping the universe for birth.
• Sophia, divine wisdom in the Greek tradition, is a she. Not metaphorically—a literal she. Think: glowing feminist oracle with books, candles, and no time for patriarchal nonsense.
• El Shaddai, often mistranslated as “Almighty,” has linguistic roots in shad—meaning breasts. As in, God of the Breasts. Nourisher, sustainer, sacred milk bar of the cosmos.

One horrified seminarian was overheard saying:

“I’ve spent twenty years worshipping a lactating sky-mommy. What do I do with that?”

Bull II: Patriarchy is just bad fanfiction

Archaeological evidence suggests humanity’s earliest gods had wombs, breasts, and excellent boundaries.

“The goddess didn’t smite you. She just ghosted,” said one recovered priestess.

But then men appropriated writing shortly after stealing fire—and promptly rewrote themselves into the origin story. Fire was then used to burn books.

The new version?

Adam births Eve from a rib (because apparently uteruses are for losers)

God’s a dad, not a mom (because moms weren’t into smiting edicts)

And women were to be seen, not heard—unless they were screaming in childbirth or confessing their unworthiness, demoted to afterthoughts with stretchmarks.

Historians now confirm: the Bible was the first-ever revenge fanfic.

Bull III: Jesus Probably a Woman, Definitely a Scorpio

Recently discovered scrolls confirm:
Jesus was a woman. Probably a Scorpio.
Definitely a boundary-setting kitchen witch with disciples and exfoliated feet.

“She made bread, washed feet, flipped tables, and told men to sit down,” said a Vatican insider.
Classic femme behaviour.

Mary Magdalene has been promoted to CEO.
Joseph remains on paternity leave.

Bull IV: Virgin Birth Revealed as Patriarchal PR Stunt

In the most awkward theological update of the millennium, it turns out the story of the Virgin Mary was invented to protect Joseph from being called a cuck.  Protection from Mediterranean evil side-eye.

“We just didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  You know how men are,” said the Council of Nicea in a newly leaked scroll.

Thus began two thousand years of virginity as a weapon.
No refunds for purity culture will be issued.

Bull V: God’s Real Gender Identity Uncovered After Listening to Women

After millennia of ignoring women’s complaints, heaven finally sent out a gender identity survey. The results were conclusive:

• 97% of women believe God is non-binary with femme energy
• 3% say “I’ll answer after school pickup, my third job, feeding the kids, and putting them to bed.”

One respondent noted:

“Only a non-binary entity could multitask creation, emotional regulation, and smiting with such grace.”

Heaven has since updated its pronouns to They/She and will be rolling out a new line of inclusive liturgical robes.

Bull VI: All Priests will henceforth be female

Effectively immediately, men will no longer be able to serve as priests or in any official position in the Church Hierarchy.  If the body is the temple, women are its high priestesses.

“We can no longer allow men to transmit the word of a God they misgendered for centuries and whose words they twisted for their own cynical gain.”

All cis men are on indefinite liturgical probation.  A penance protocol is now in place for all former male clergy, with immediate effect:

• Must spend 40 days and 40 nights sewing altar linens by hand
• Solitary confinement for all instances of mansplaining
• Must learn and chant the Litany of the Womb whilst kneeling on rice
• All men to be reassigned the names of forgotten women saints
• All men to write out by hand all banned texts by women as a core part of their education

One senior bishop objected.  He has been relegated to clean the bathrooms at the Temple of Aphrodite with a toothbrush for all eternity.

Bull VII: Women Not Asking for Equality—Repossessing the Throne

Effective immediately, women are no longer requesting inclusion.  Men will now be seen and not heard.

Altars. Mic stands. God’s private phone line. Pulpits.  All to be repossessed.  Women will all have seats at the table. Men will stand and serve.

Women are invoking ancient titles:

Whore. Priestess. Witch. CEO.  Domina

We are repossessing:

Heaven is now under matriarchal management.  All men are being audited.

Bull VIII: Final Notice to Men

To all patriarchs, bishops, trolls, and insecure prophets:

• We’re not here to be your equals.
• We’re here to repossess what was never yours.
• Your rib theory has been debunked.
• Your God has come out as non-binary.

We know this chicken and egg nonsense was just more creationist male propaganda.  It is now accepted as universally true that all humans are born from a womb, from a woman.

Please return all sacred texts, robes, and thrones to the nearest woman.

Thank you for your service.

History will not remember you fondly.

FYI, “equality” will mean at least 50,000 years of inequality.  Strap yourselves in boys, this is going to be fun.