The need for facial surgery and trans identity

My therapist asks me to think about why I want it.  My children say don’t do it.  99% of my friends say don’t do it…well, all of them…the 1% is really just hesitation in the voice of my closest friends knowing that I want to work on my face, even if they don’t agree.

The truth is that I am gorgeous.  I know that.  I have been a model on and off throughout my life not because I am ugly, although one of the agencies I was once with was named Pygmalion, and another was called Ugly.  Leave it to those fashion bods to come up with a good inside joke.

And as a man, it worked…no matter how androgynous I was—and as a teen that was my thing, and as a chisel-featured man I was never butch or rugged, though I would not have called myself a metrosexual either.  Quietly manly.

And as a trans woman, the clock has been set back about a decade on my face and body…that’s what hormones will do for you.  And they are softening my features, making them more female.  My arms, the muscles, have withered away, even as I seem to be gaining weight.  That’s okay, us t-girls are known to get botox shots in our biceps to shrink the muscles.  Didn’t do that but have done in my shoulders.

My dyke friends are helping with makeup and other non-invasive treatments, skincare.

But I hate being misgendered.  I shouldn’t care.  A young t-girl in NY who matched with me on a dating platform doesn’t care.  Not one bit.  She celebrates the liminal space she occupies. She is less than half my age, doesn’t care if someone calls her a boy or a girl, he or him or she or they.  She just doesn’t care.  In a way, she’s my Daddy.  Because, if you can have that kind of maturity, no matter how old you are, you’re my Daddy too.

Not Mommy.  Mommies are different.

But the thing is, will it change this?  I don’t want to look like a different person.  I don’t want to become less attractive.  I don’t want to look as though I have been worked on.

And yet, as sure as I sit here typing these words, I know I will do it.  I have a reference point in one of the top facial surgeons in the world.  He wants to rebuild my entire face, take my forehead bone off, shave it down and then put it back with titanium screws.  A side effect is possible migraine headaches for the rest of my life.

I don’t like headaches.

Other doctors are doing amazing work in the US, and in Thailand.  In South America there are also some amazing doctors.  It is hard to know who will be right, and who will be able to capture the me I most want.

I play with my face using AI models and one day there she was.  When I saw it, I knew it to be me.  Just knew it.  It was as if I got to see the mirror of the person I would have been had I never gone through male puberty.  I showed the Dr.  The famous one.  His reply?

“I can make you prettier than that.”

“I don’t want to be prettier than that; I want to be that.”

“You’ll still look like you, don’t worry.”

“I do worry.”

“It’ll be fine.”

“She is me.”

“I can see that.  There’s hardly any difference at all.”

“That’s the point.”

“It is, because if you don’t change much then surgery isn’t the right answer.”

“Maybe not.”

“You have to figure that out first.”

“Why can’t you just do this.”

“Because it’s not the right answer.”

Well, unsurprisingly, not hired.

I saw a facial surgeon in Thailand who is quite well-regarded, one of the best.  But he was focussed on my nose.

“Did you break it?”

“No.”

“Trauma?”

“No.”

“It’s crooked.”

“It’s called humanity.”  He smiled.

“We can straighten it, make it look more feminine,” and then proceeded to show me how he would turn it into a ski jump.  Do I want that?  No.  I don’t think I want a Thai view on what pretty female looks like.  That isn’t to say that I don’t find Thai women gorgeous.  I do.  I am just not Thai.

When someone says that I should consider cheek bone implants or fillers there, I am surprised as I am all cheek bone.  More would just look weird.

My favourite doctor so far said, “to be honest, you don’t really need to do anything.  You’re already quite female looking,         quite pretty, delicate, proportional.  Wanting to do something is different.  And if you want to do something, then these are some of things you might consider.”

They are super-well regarded in terms of outcomes.  And cost half of what US doctors cost.  And they are in Europe.  All positives for me.

But I am focussing on doctors who deal with trans patients, and I should probably branch out.  In the short term, I am starting to use a more active skincare regimen and have had fillers for the first time.  Ouch.  Women.  The things we do.

But if it keeps me from the cost of surgery and all the scares that represents, so be it.

And in the meantime, I won’t take a misgendering…I correct immediately.  And I do remain perplexed how someone who says “sir” to me has clearly noticed that I am wearing heals, have tits, and most obviously have no bulge…what gives?  Is it purposeful ignorance?

When in doubt, just ask.