Seeking guidance the night before a Tantric Retreat

Tarot Card Drawing…4 card spread the night before my Tantric Retreat

When it gets down to it, I am basically a virgin.  Of course, this isn’t literally true, but sometimes it feels like it.  As an adult, there was the “before” marriage me, who was reasonably sexually active, and the “after” marriage part, where I went through the motions until we stopped having sex altogether.

My motives and desires in marrying her is the topic of another post.  Her accusation that I used her as a baby factory is a bit bizarre considering we were together for 25 years, but in truth I could accuse her of the same thing, since in the end, coital sex was not doing it for us and we turned to IVF.  Not much of a man, eh?

There were only a few women in my life, my early life, that provoked a kind of insatiable desire on my part, but even then, my hunger was to be ravished, taken.  Needle in a haystack?  Even finding escorts who will play with me in this way isn’t easy.  So, no matter how often I play, and for me, that is what sex is, I still feel as if I have never done it before.

Technically, I am a Sex Worker.  I have been on the fringe of this world as an erotic writer for decades, and while that is technically correct, it still doesn’t ring true.  But it is my future, what I want, and what I manifest.  To go deep in my femininity, to go deep into female sexuality, to own it, to exude it, to live it, and to wield it.  That is my calling.

I provide FBSM…full body sensual massage.  That means a happy ending if a client wants it.  This seemed like an easier entry into the market.  But I am constantly amazed by the legal minefield, and how fellow providers have even more stringent screening protocols than escorts do.  As a newbie dominatrix, the law is generally clearer…as there is no sex.  At least typically.

As I find my practice, I realise that my practice, my brand, is actually a true extension of my sexuality.  Through a professional colleague, I have found myself drawn to the world of Tantra.  The philosophy resonates, but so too does the lure of owning my sexuality, and of developing my skills in touch as a provider.  So, find myself on a tantric retreat.  Wondering what is in store for me before it begins…

Drawing inspiration from Tarot

Confession.  I meant to draw one card, but four came out, and so my simple question of how to approach my first ever tantric retreat became a more revealing exploration of the past, present, future, and some advice.

I don’t know if you love Tarot, but they fascinate me.  I don’t use them often, though I am close to two gifted practitioners.  I am consistently blown away by the readings…and how the cards seem to have a mind of their own.

My question remained the same…how best to approach the coming ten days of Tantric retreat…

The Past—4 of coins

The card signifies that you have successfully managed to accomplish much of your goals and you have managed to attain a significant material wealth in the process.  The Four of Pentacles typically accompanies a scarcity mindset, especially with money and material possessions. Instead of spending your cash and enjoying a comfortable lifestyle, you are choosing to stockpile your finances, for fear you might lose it all or someone else might take it away

The Present—7 of Clubs

It is a sad fact of life, but the more visibility you have as a leader in your field and the bigger your audience, the more likely it is that you will need to grapple with this kind of pressure.  When the Seven of Wands appears in a Tarot reading, expect to see an increase in ‘haters’, trolls and people who disagree with you. The Seven of Wands can also mean a challenge to the success of a creative project from an external source. Someone or something may get in the way of you being able to pursue your goals and dreams. While it appears to block your path forward, you can overcome this obstacle by drawing upon your strong self-confidence, self-belief, and continual self-improvement. Establish clear boundaries and then protect them so that others do not mess with you. Hold your ground, take a stand, and defend your position at all costs

The Future—The Emperor

The Emperor represents a strategic thinker who sets out plans that he must see through. He is a symbol of the masculine principle – the paternal figure in life that gives structure, creates rules and systems, and imparts knowledge.  He guides with a firm hand, following the calling of the crown above all else. Though he is a ruler, he understands that to reign is also to serve – thus he acts rationally and according to what is for the greater good of the kingdom.  To see him in a reading presents a chance to grow in terms of the goals that you have set for yourself. It presents a successful future as long as you pursue your goals similar to the fashion that the Emperor does, methodically, and strategically.

Added Advice—The Hanged Man

The hanged man understands that his position is a sacrifice that he needed to make in order to progress forward – whether as repentance for past wrongdoings, or a calculated step backward to recalculate his path onward. This time he spends here will not be wasted: he does this as part of his progression forward. His upside-down state can also symbolize the feeling of those that walk a spiritual path, for they see the world differently.  The Hanged Man card reflects a particular need to suspend certain action. As a result, this might indicate a certain period of indecision. This means that certain actions or decisions which need to be properly implemented are likely to be postponed even if there is an urgency to act at this particular moment. In fact, it would be ultimately the best if you are capable of stalling certain actions to ensure that you have more time to reflect on making critical decisions.

Making sense of this in my own life

In the peculiar way of the occult, this spread resonated with me.  A casual reader of this blog will recognise why.

I did achieve success and material wealth in my past…even if divorce has damaged that, I am still better off than most.  Coming out as trans has most definitely put me in the crosshairs.  I will learn now to deal with that.  The future that I must navigate towards requires me to be a boss baddie in every way.  My lack is the time in any given day to finish all the many enriching things I wish to do.    These days I am getting much more diligent about time-boxing my life, so that I can complete what I need to complete to keep my life on track, but also to be able to create.  To have time.  And becoming a Sex Worker might seem easy to some, but it takes a lot more than just spreading your legs and calling ‘come hither’.

So, yes, I do wait…wait and prepare.  And every day is to be filled with learning.  When in doubt, learn.