Stepping into the Tantric Path

It is not always possible to remember what has been shared here, in conversation, or just imagined.  That is how crowded and wild my life is with new experiences.  It is a bit like an insane traffic jam that isn’t clogged or congested, just so much movement, moving parts, complexity.  A wild ride.

I wonder if it has anything to do with Moldavite.  Some of you will remember the story of the Thai woman who told me, “baby, you’re not ready for Moldavite, try Tektite.”  I listened to her for a while, but then, when I found the perfect stone, I pounced, and my life has not been the same.  As a witch, the first thing we learn is to see the signs.

The definition of my “brand” as a dominatrix has begun in earnest.  In truth, it began a long time ago, only I didn’t know what I was doing it for.  But now, it has become clear that my purpose is bound up with this process of discovery, that my destiny and path in becoming a woman, of being a two spirit, of being trans and throwing myself into the maelstrom, is exactly this.

The most important message in what I have learned as a Reiki Master is that it is not me who has power, but the divine energy which flows.  My main shaman, one of my teachers, taught me the importance of being a strong vessel.  My therapist has echoed that and brought this sense into the rational realm.  The beauty of Reiki is that the more I practice the “stonger” I become.  Though, in truth it is not me, it is just the flow.

Practicing Reiki is a trip.  It started to land one day during my weekly Kundalini yoga practice.  It was during breath of fire, and suddenly my hands lit up.  I could feel the energy pulsing from them.  And over the coming days, I could ignite them at will.  Taking this into Reiki practice both my clients and I could feel the difference.  Over the past year, this ignition of the hands has gone on to be a whole body experience, and now has moved to a stream of light energy that extends through me, provoking visions in me and in the bodies of my clients.

While I cannot say for sure, the energy I see and channel and seek in all aspects of my life is an energy which I would call Divine Feminine energy.  I realize that this is true of my friendships and loves as well—that the women I am drawn to, for social or any other purpose, have this flowing inside them to a strong degree.

Makes sense.

Well, all this to say that Tantric practices, both meditative and erotic, as a life philosophy, are calling to me.  I have begun to seek out guides and teachers in this realm and am finding my way to some very gifted people.

There are several dominatrixes, whose practice contains elements of what I wish to develop, with a common thread coalescing around tantra.  I will be embarking on a path of formal training in this area, and have been interviewing schools, teachers, in anticipation of immersing myself in this practice.

Recently, I went to see a Tantrika to help me feel into my body.  She will not be the first.  My doctor wants me to masturbate every day.  This is an important part of the post-operative healing process.  I am still not there yet in terms of the big ‘O’, but trying is helpful to the growth of nerves, and the rewiring of the body and brain.

There was much in the visit which reminded me of what it is like to see an FBSM (full-body sensual massage) practitioner.  This began with the booking process.  For some reason, the security, need for references, screening, is much more onerous than it has ever been to see any other type of provider I have ventured to, be they escort or dominatrix.

Why?

Well, I think it is in part because law enforcement preys on “massage” services with happy endings.  FBSM practically contains “happy ending” in the concept.  There is little doubt that this is the point.

I feel for the providers, and now I really, really do, because I am one.  I have begun giving sessions, have done my first work with male and female privates, having learned in a formal way, the art of sensual intimate touch.

And what feels strange to me, is how much gentler and less “illegal” or explicit feeling FBSM is than say domming or escorting, but not in the eyes of the law.  On a practical level this has meant for each person I have ever seen, providing several references who are all then spoken to or asked to give a decent background on me.  There is an elaborate procedure in getting into the building, like something straight out of a spy novel.

“Arrive precisely at X time.  Once you have parked, text me and I will send further instructions.  If there is anyone coming in or going out of the building, do not go through in either direction until they are gone.

Similarly, the emphasis on hygiene is common, with the first stop being a trip to the shower.  Paying is similarly cloak and dagger.

“I will leave the room.  You will leave the money on the altar as an offering to the Goddess, and then you will go and take a shower.  When you are done, you will return and we will begin.”  There is never any formal exchange of money.

I contrast this to other experience with providers where an envelope, a book, a card, might be given…or the extreme example of one domme who wanted me to give her the money explicitly, so that I could feel that I was paying her to be with me.

I like to raise these “minor” things as someone outside of this world would never have any idea what providers have to go through to ensure their safety, that they are not seeing a cop, that there be no visible or actual transaction, and what a lot of work it is for a provider to go through.  This is a big part of why Sex Workers remain on the fringe of society, and this has the perverse implication of making Sex Workers more vulnerable to exploitation, to assault, to harassment, and makes their lives more difficult.

After showering I emerged, pristine and clean in a luscious silk robe.  There is something spiritual about the cleansing process which goes beyond just washing up.  I came into a room that was now candlelit and filled with the sweet and spicy scent of incense.

We talked and I was asked to share my inner life, my physical journey, my relationship with my body, with my sex.  We shared a spicy tea and some healing nibbles as we were lapped by soft candlelight.

The air was warm enough for my comfort and hers, as we were both naked.  She indicated that I climb onto the table and I did.  We began with a massage, much like my previous experience with FBSM, one of whom used “kundalini” and energy work to coax my last orgasm in a male body from me.  I say it was my last, but I can no longer be sure, as it might have been my reflexologist who gave me a footgasm.

The differences, however, soon became apparent, in touch and stroke, even more as she came to my vulva.  Both her touch and an array of vibrators came into play both when I was face down, and then after, once I was face up.

I had arrived fully and well-dilated, which is important for my comfort: psychological as well as physical.  It means I have nothing to worry about.

I did not orgasm, but I really relished her touch, and being in my body in a slightly fevered state which lasted for several hours after.  Being horny as a woman leaves a glow.

The female orgasm requires more of me than just physical response.  A friend once remarked to me that “women orgasm with their brains.”  I didn’t understand them at the time, but I do now.  It isn’t that I have to be turned on in the same way that I would be as a man, where an idea, an image, can put me over the edge.  No, it is something different, a body feeling.

This is a learning experience and has proven to be far more important than which setting to put a vibrator on, or what kind of touch I like.  What am I talking about?  First, quieting the mind.  No thinking.

Second, occupying my brain space with my body, and how it feels.  If there is another person involved, how they make me feel, how they are making me feel, what it feels like to surrender to them.  In other words, emotional connection comes into play.  And the more that this emotional connection, a love feeling, can be brought into the here and now and what is happening with the person, the more exciting things become.

There were aspects of this session which were blissful and there were others that were not.  It was not as good as any of the other experiences I had in this realm, but there were very useful lessons and learnings from it which have taken flight for me.

After, we went out for oysters, my favourite food, and spoke for hours about Tantra.  Through this and the experience itself, I affirmed this path as the right one for me.