A bizarre conversation with my ex before the final day of divorce court hearings

I have not spoken two sentences to my wife in as many years. But in the lovely winter British seaside town where she and I were staying because neither of us live there—all her lawyers drove home—we managed to speak for 10 minutes.  A miracle.

She had arrived early before her phalanx of solicitors, as had I, on my own.  Such is the lot of the litigant-in-person. I spoke to her.

“Good morning,” I said.

“Good morning,” she replied.

“You staying locally?”

“Yes.”

“Me too.  It’s a lovely town isn’t it.”

“Yes.  Very.  You remember we came here 20 years ago?” she asked.

“Oh gosh, I can’t remember why.”

“Have you been to see X Building?   It’s incredible.  A summer party palace.  Worth the trip.  You’d love it. Especially since we know how much you love to party.”

“There’s great shops.”

“I can’t afford to shop,” she said [but she can have five lawyers.  I bit my tongue].

“You can always window shop.”

“Too much temptation.”

But what did she really want to talk about?  Trans women in sports.

“You can’t tell me that trans women should compete in sports.”

“No, not if they have gone through male puberty.  It confers an advantage.”

“Right.”

“But you also can’t stop trans kids from having to go through ‘the wrong’ puberty.  You have to make blockers accessible.  The criticism of blockers is ridiculous.  We’ve been using them in children who have precocious puberty for decades…and in men with prostate cancer for over 60 years.  We know these drugs are safe.  And for a trans teens, who have rates of suicide 100x higher than non-trans kids, postponing puberty until they are old enough to make an adult decision, is such a small ask.”

“I don’t know anything about that.”

Is this some argument that has been going on in her head since she left our home?

I do know that she scoffs at our children for gendering me correctly.  She refuses to.  She even refused to use my new name in court, persisting calling me by my dead name and gendering me male.  The judge had to correct her repeatedly until he asked her to just call me “Respondent” which is the technical term for me as the defendant in UK court.  She managed a bit better, but not much.

During the proceedings she stated that me coming out as a transgender lesbian woman was too much for her. But I’m like…’you knew I was trans when you married me’. And ‘we don’t have sex anyway’. Plus two of her besties are gay men. She would have definitely preferred I was a gay man. I don’t get how me still liking women is something which destroyed her sense of her own femininity, her own sexuality. I have tried. If any of you can figure it out, let me know.

But I thought, how easy it was to talk.  Why did we have to go through this?  

It was fine for her to leave because I came out.  I don’t begrudge her that, even if I don’t get it.  After all, we stopped having sex 15 years before that.  We were just great friends and co-parents of wonderful children, living happily together.  So, I really don’t understand her need to break the plates on the way out the door.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot.  When I first started dating her I said, “If you’re not interested in getting married, don’t waste my time.”  That was our first weekend away together.  She later joked about it, how ‘for the jugular’ and how direct it was.

I tested her emotionally quite a lot in the first year of our relationship, really until we moved in together.  I needed to know that she would be there for me.  There was healing that I needed from a partner in order to have a. partner.  Childhood trauma related to my parents, to both of them, and how this child found that they were not constant, not reliable.

And in part, that is the source of my great relief to see her go.  I am to happy to know now that she could not be relied upon than in my dotage, when I had no choice.  I used to have nightmares that she would kill me in my sleep by placing a pillow over my face.  Now I can sleep easy knowing that it won’t happen.

When you find out that someone you thought you really knew, you really didn’t know at all.

In some ways 2024 was the best year of my life.  In most ways.  I’ve never really had such a great year before.  But as we now step firmly into this new year, I can’t help but think it will be even better.  

I pivot towards a new life with nothing holding me back.  Nothing.