Managing the “feels” when visiting a companion

Musings on love, Sex Work, and growing up

Disclaimer: From a practical standpoint, this post is bound to be next to useless. It is hopelessly rooted in my own experience and emotional landscape. More importantly, I am not all that experienced. I have only ever seen a small number of SWs, and I don’t really intend to change that. I love the ones I see, and learning to contain and manage those intense feelings is actually a part of the joy of being with a companion. A form of growing up.

There is a common thread.  When I go to see a Sex Worker, I am in a submissive mindset.  I wrote a post about how I feel that this is core to the nature of the dynamic, of any dynamic, between a provider and a respectful client.  No matter how “macho” a man might be, if his head is really in the game, then he will adore, respect, and worship her, be solicitous, be generous, be all that any of us could ever want from a man.

The submissive mindset is a trigger for me to deeper feelings.  I have begun to describe myself as a switch, at least to the very, very few people who know that I am both slave and dominatrix.  My slave life is confined to one and a half people.  I say that because I have a domme, and I cherish her profoundly.  I also have someone who is not a domme, is not my domme, but encourages, plays with, and welcomes me in this way, and is well-versed with sub-space, and enjoys the version of me that comes to the surface when I am of this energy.

These deeper feelings are inextricably bound up in the way that I experience love.  And it has nothing to do with degradation or feeling less.  It is simply letting go of my earthly needs, of devoting energy to someone else.

I lost a domme who was very important to me in part because I couldn’t auto-regulate this part of me.  Other reasons were more important in the context of that dynamic, but now they are meaningless…what remains is to lose something you cherish, regardless of how healthy it is for you, or whether you should be cherishing it in the first place.  What I am saying is that losing someone or something you love because of you is the most teaching,  but also the most painful kind of loss.

But the lesson I learned from it has informed how I am with everyone else since.  At the time, “sub frenzy” was how my friends described it.  Now, I see it with various subs serving their dommes.  I also see something else, which has little to do with the provider, and everything to do with the man who is feeling it, and mostly this is fetish-oriented sexual desire. I have not yet generated that kind of obsession from someone, and I don’t think I ever really felt it, but I also think my character is not naturally one that will attract that type of energy.  Part of me wants it; part of me does not.

An ability to trigger this kind of intense reaction in a client, however, is core to my developing sense of femininity, and something which I wish to learn and to master.

The lesson is around the “feels”.  When we fall in love with a provider.  The truth is that I fall in love with almost every provider I see.  If I go back a second time, it is because I am in love in one way or another or feel that it is a person who is safe to have these powerful feelings around.

But it is to experience these feelings that I go to see them in the first place.  But something has changed in me.  Growing up.  I used to think that it was them that I loved.  In a way, it still is.  But really it is how they make me feel.  And because they are inhabiting a persona just as much as I am, it is the dance of two constructed personas which is what is so hot.

My imagination is always on.  I can’t help it.  It is so strong that I often feel things in my head so strongly as if they are real.  I guess they are when you feel them like that.   It is a gift of the ADD brain.  

What is it?  What is the magic sauce?

I am living through a stressful period of my life.  My wife who should be my ex by now, is taking a burn-down-the-houses approach to our divorce, and has lied to extremes in court, to judges, in statements, all with the support of her legal team.  Our children are appalled by her behaviour, but thus far, she has gotten away with it.  I also haven’t had a “real” job in 5 years.  Not good for the coffers. But boy have I been having fun. I hope I never have to get serious again. Or grow up.

One way that I am motivated is to be successful. Not necessarily from a desire to just be successful and have the ego trip that goes with it.  No.  It is to be able to continue to live as I do, but also continue to see and play with some of the beautiful people I have met.  I am not a finsub.  So it isn’t about giving in this sense.  No.  It is just about being able to afford being around people whose vibe I really dig. Plus, the “I’ll show them” attitude which I have had since I was a child, is coming back something fierce as a trans woman.

I love the word “vibe”.  My rope master, an amazingly talented shibari practitioner, recently noted that my ‘vibe’ had totally changed since my sex change.   Go figure.  I would have imagined it was the hormones wot did it.  I hadn’t heard that word used in ages.

Part of the change in my vibe is being able to experience the ‘feels’ and all their joy, and to never want something more, something different.  To just allow them to be, to wash over me.