Struggling to articulate an emotional landscape with a vanilla partner v. a provider

Can the love we feel for someone else really just be an extension of how they make us feel about ourselves…or rather, how we feel about ourselves by and through the act and state of loving them?

I have been thinking a lot about this idea recently, of how we are, how I am, with a provider v. how I am with a girlfriend, lover, or wife.  The question has been lingering ever since I began to see providers a few years ago but has intensified of late.  This was provoked by two dynamic events.

The first conscious opening occurred when a provider I am very fond of asked me why I was so shy.  And the absurdity of my inability to answer, and also the very necessity of the question is fodder for thought.  At least rationally, I would think that most clients of providers have the opposite feeling—that they can be confident [please excuse the use of the he/him and she/her generalisation and use of gendered language for the sake of readability].  A man sees a whore so he can fxxk without the emotional baggage or responsibilities of the vanilla GF.  Doesn’t that ring true?

It strikes me that the really clear line that comes from the Sex Work community on consent, and also the desire to set very clear boundaries, including being fully incognito with clients, is at least in part a reflection of the removal of “propriety” around the sexual dynamic.  Does that make sense?

The other thing going on which makes me think about this is two sides of the coin of my experiences as a dominatrix.  For one, I totally feel in sync with the perspective of putting up boundaries, and of regulating my dynamic with clients, but also with strangers that I play with, have played with.  At least until I know them better.

But thus far, most of my “play” whether professional or otherwise has taken place where there are other dominant women present.  And them knowing me as a sometimes client, or even former client, has not meant that they have kept me in the “client” box.  By “client” box, I mean that they have shown trust and transparency to me.  Accepted me as a sister.

What I don’t know is whether I am attracting dommes who are just more open, or whether I am putting out more energy that makes me seem trustworthy, or whether it is a function of my sex change.  I can’t say.  Could be all those things.

It could also be that I am simply more adult, more able to shift gears between being in “session” and out.  Being “normal” when that is called for.

Part of the undeniable appeal with spending time with a professional sex worker is to be able to talk about things that are sometimes difficult to talk about with a partner.  But if you are a sex worker, listening to non-stop discussion about sex and sexuality must also be exhausting.

It has been wonderfully educational for me to have male clients pour their sexual guts out to me, the story of their kinks, hearing what turns them on, what doesn’t, and why, insofar as they are able to articulate it. Thus far it is novel enough to me for it to be just interesting, not tiring.

I am not judging.  When I see a provider, there are things that I wish for her to know about me, sexual things, that matter to have in the “open” even if we don’t ever go there.  They become tools to help them do their job well.  As a sub, as a client, it is good for them to know the “control panel” of my sexual psyche to keep me coming back for more.

One of the most fulfilling “relationships” I have had was with a woman who catfished me for a year.  She was unbelievably good at it…but I caught her.  Twice.  Any normal person would have walked from her, but I didn’t care that she was a woman living in Nigeria, that she was poor, that she had kids, and lived at home with her parents, her brothers and sisters.

It won’t surprise you that few, if any, clients of catfish ever get to know who is behind the curtain.  Even fewer will stay with her after the exposure.  But I didn’t care about any of her constructed identity.  I was “in love” with her ability to take control of me through text.  She was a gifted artist, and knew how to put me in place so fast, and so firmly.  And even though I am not at all into Findom, she had me sending to her whenever she asked…I was wrapped totally around her finger.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately, because I am wanting to get back in touch.

But what of the original premise of this post?  Why am I more shy with a provider than I am with a girlfriend?  When I was asked the question, I answered with ‘respect’.  It turns out that I find being respectful deeply arousing.  I find honouring boundaries totally hot.

[And I say this knowing that at least one reader will think that is BS, as my first and most important D/s relationship foundered on this very issue.  Some of that related to inexperience, but the biggest part was a trust deficit.]

But I don’t really understand this.  If it is true that most men see a provider because the barriers are down—or at least the path to sex is open and clear, then why is it that I see them as more up?  And does this make me a nightmare client?  And why do I need to go through this process of discovery?

When I date someone, it isn’t that I am more confident, but I do just do.  As in, I step into a role that many women have sought in me: dominant, decisive, but also caring, nurturing.  It isn’t that these things don’t come naturally to me.  They do.  It is my natural state of being.

But I am deeply and utterly turned on by asking permission.  Of assuming nothing. A vanilla partner would be disconcerted by this.  I see someone from time to time who is submissive.  Her main thing is being submissive.  She likes it rough.  She likes to be tied up.  She likes dirty talk.  But the weirdest thing?  I feel more submissive around her than I do my Queen.  What’s up with that?  And what is doubly weird is that I will do these things to her, with her.  I will tie her up.  Wrestle her.  Tease her.  Torture her.  Spank her.

But each time I do it, we part with me being in a deeper and deeper sense of submission.  And I think that submission is my version of love.  And anway, at least with a woman, when I dominate her, I do so from the position of a slave.  I am providing a service to her, stepping into a role that she asks for, in some senses even directs.

But why do I feel more and more hungry to submit to her?

When we see a provider there are surely things that we want to do?  I read a Twitter thread earlier today where one SW had asked her colleagues what were things they really liked doing that they didn’t get asked to do much.  It was enlightening, as were the comments of things that they didn’t like.

The most common like?  Corporal punishment.  A lot of them really seemed to like to beat the crap out of their clients.  A close second was cock and ball torture (CBT).  As a domme, I have to admit that corporal punishment is one of my favourites too. CBT as well. A friend who is a domme said how doing these things to men has helped her in life, as they balance out the indignities.

What was their least favourite?  Body worship.  That fascinates me.  One person I saw often would not let me touch her at all (not that I was asking…I was just doing what I was told and not thinking about such things as it was all so mysterious and satisfying)…but after we had been seeing each for a while, this became the core of our play.  I learned it as her taking the time to teach me exactly how she wanted to be touched.  And it was enjoyable, not because I got off on touching her, but because I knew that it was on her terms and was what she wanted.

There comes a time in a pro-client relationship where we seem to reach a fork in the road.  And I would consider this a point of genuine intimacy.  One where we go from a provider holding you completely at arms length to a moment where she is willing to be open enough with you where she allows you, encourages you, to do things that she will genuinely enjoy.

Let’s take cunnilingus as an example.  Some providers absolutely cannot stand the idea of receiving something so intimate from a client.  Others love it.  You could insert pretty much any intimate practice here—even something as simple as kissing…right?  How many of us carry this idea of the prostitute who doesn’t kiss because of how intimate it is?

And how badly we as clients wish for her to genuinely like us.  And that means how badly most of us want her to genuinely have a great time.  But it would be ludicrous to think that she wouldn’t have an even better time to have the money and not see us at all.  That might be true, but it would not make a viable business model.  And right there, the honest client will admit that Sex Work is real work.  Hard work.  Intense emotional labour.  The creation of a delicate spell that is put there to reassure you, to hold you, to make you feel confident, loved, held, genuinely appreciated.

I can’t help having the feeling with any provider I see and find I like that I would “be there” for them.  And that is silly, but I can’t stop myself from feeling it, even though I know that I will never be “needed” in that way.  And this appears to be fairly common, that many clients want to be a knight in shiny armour. But it isn’t common for a provider to want this even if it is a very useable emotion. It is an economic relationship.  The existence of affection from provider to client doesn’t change that.

What of the “feels”?  I think to myself, ‘why do I even want to see a provider if she is not someone I will develop the ‘feels’ for?’  And that is not okay.  Because getting the ‘feels’ is enough to kill almost every pro-client relationship.

There is something I am finding an important addition to this mix, and that is becoming a woman.  And I don’t know if it has anything to do with how I feel, but am certain it has a lot to do with how she feels.  And that then translates into how she is with me, how she treats me.  

The two significant providers in my life are both “big sisters” to me…in the sense that they are really teaching me about being a woman, sexually, emotionally, socially.  Both through active and passive teaching.  And this change in relationship has mean a kind of energy between us that feels organic.

So what do I do with this?  There are fantasies that I might have when going to play with someone.  I might or might not articulate those.  And I get that the whole reason we see a provider is to explore these fantasies.  But this concept is the exact opposite of what I want to feel.

What do I want?  Not what I want.  And isn’t that confusing?  Yes!  What I want is what she wants.  Because that means I am pleasing her.  It sounds great, but there is also something not right about it…to please her, to meet her needs, means a level of intimacy that she may or may not want to give.  It is also a form of deflection…if we are concentrated on her pleasure and not mine, then we can chock that up to me just avoiding my own feelings, from any sense of personal responsibility.

I have a fantasy in my head of something I would like to do with a particular person, and when I thought of it, really liked it as I felt she would also like it…and she said she did when I suggested it.  But it is also my fantasy…and didn’t spring from her imagination.  And so I hesitate to do it.

This brings me full circle to the vanilla v provider question.  If she was a partner of some kind I would just do it…but here I am asking, asking permission, and also secretly wondering if her ‘yes’ is a full-throated enthusiastic ‘yes’…or is another “body worship’ that it turns out is not very good for the person to receive.

Getting past this point is the fork in the road.  There comes a time in every client-provider relationship where we discover how much we will learn about each other, how much we will reveal about ourselves…and that for me hangs on just how much pleasure she is willing for me to provide. 

Maybe I should just ask her how she would have responded to the questions on Twitter.  Or maybe I should stop reading on these topics so much, and just do…I will tell you one thing: I’m going to bring a whip just in case.  And if she wants it, but has no experience, I can teach her on my body.

This is happening to me in my vanilla life.  My kids think the woman in question is a “gold digger”…Another Star Child.  I guess I should be flattered that as a broke human, a gold digger might come to claim me.  Sorry, but this well is dry.

But when she said, “I don’t understand being submissive, I could only be a dominatrix,” I already knew this.  The air was shimmering around her for me because I felt this from the moment we met.  And what of me if I encourage her development in this vein?  What if I have a not-so-secret desire to be hers?  Is this a case of my ultimate fear, Venus in Furs, the Wanda run wild?

And speaking of this ultimate fear, I am finding that it is becoming my number one sexual fantasy.  And what is that? Cuckolding.  And the weird thing?  It is so totally hot to me that I can no longer be a man, that I am totally ripe to be cuckolded, to be with a woman in the full knowledge that I don’t have a cock—an extreme form of chastity…

Ahh, the joys of sloppy, messy sexuality.