Clue: it isn’t where you think it is
Disclaimer: this post nominally treats the professional sex worker as female, and the client as male. This is the dominant trope, and perhaps these thoughts break down with other configurations. This is my lived experience.
I am also talking about the sex worker who is not doing this out of economic desperation or coercion. I think instead of those providers who I have come to know who have chosen sex work as a career, sometimes simply to further the goals in their own life, but there is a common thread. Read on to find out what it is.
I know what you’re thinking…that this is about how the client, how the man, has the power. After all, he is paying, she is providing. Isn’t that right? And maybe that is how he feels. And sure, in some cases, and in our popular imagination, a man swaggers in, she spreads her legs, and he plays the hero for anywhere from a minute to an hour, and then they roll off of each other, shower, and go their own ways.
This act might fuel his ego, his core machismo. He might believe that he made her cum. Maybe he did. She may have also faked it. As one SW observed, “the more I use my pussy, the stronger it gets, and I can just suck men in, toy with them, and spit them out.”
I am intrigued by the idea that many FSSW’s (full-service-sex-worker) are lesbians. As a newly minted pussy owner who has always liked women, the thought of the kind of intimate dissociation that this would require of me, is hard to wrap my head around. To be penetrated. Yes. I want that. But I want it from a woman, with her hands, with her tongue, with a dildo she is holding, with a strap on…because I want to be held in her arms while she pushes me to the brink of ecstasy and beyond.
For those of you who have never been to a Sex Worker of any kind…and this might include things like sensual massage (an experience with kundalini massage is here and another for a sensual-tactile massage is here), or a visit to a dominatrix (oh my gosh, my post history is littered with these), or to a visit with an FSSW (the incomparable luxury of this sensuous experience), perhaps you will understand where the true power lies. For others, let me explain.
The Screening Process
An established sex worker will have an online presence. She will have a website. On this site will be her terms of engagement. What she will do, and what she won’t do. To proceed you must accept these terms. The dumpster fire of Twitter is littered with providers complaining about (and not seeing) punters who don’t respect this basic first step. The power is wholly with the provider.
Second, you are typically asked to talk about your interests. To open up. To bare your soul. She has done so, but in a controlled way. Her marketing creates a persona. A chimera. If you are going to have fun with her, you will most likely present your true yourself, so that you have helped her to help you. She wears a mask. You don’t. You can see plenty of traffic on X/Twitter about those clients who try hard to look behind the mask. Of course, there are fairy tales of providers and clients finding love, and perhaps this fuels the desire of countless men, but it is rare, a will-o-wisp. Unconsciously, male confidence is such that most men seem to think that this will just happen. How misguided that is; wilful ignorance does not make you strong. The power lies with the provider.
Third, you are asked to identify yourself. For real. The first pro-domme I met asked for my linked-in profile, my work number, and then called me at work to see if I answered the phone. She also asked for my driver’s license. I provided both unstintingly. There was no way that I was going to disobey the instructions and miss my chances to meet someone just because I slipped up somehow. This is what they do for a living
[Big disclaimer here. The number of fakes that propagated during COVID and that are still out there, is alarming, and I was repeatedly duped. How to avoid being duped is a worthwhile alternative post].
Her vetting was mild compared to what I went through to see either of the sensual massage providers. Why? Because being a domme isn’t illegal, so law enforcement is less of an issue. Providing a happy ending is. But all providers have to worry about deviants and creeps, and potentially violent people. The number of men who refuse this basic step, find themselves on the outside looking in.
Please do not forget that although we are talking about a power balance, without D/s, in an adult, consensual paid relationship, the risk that providers are taking is real. As one SW friend has pointed out, a simple search of “murdered prostitute” turns up over 700 million results on Google. These women are risking their lives. All the more reason for there to be an imbalance of power.
I never had the slightest doubt that any of the people I have met would be more careful than me with my own info. That said, the world of the catfish is real, and one must be super careful, but this is easy enough to do if you follow them diligently online, their posting, their site…etc. [I ended up with so many of them during COVID, but I also had a blast with a few, an absolute blast. It helped not caring who they were].
This identity step, taken in full knowledge that you will have no idea who the person you are seeing really is, is a total imbalance of power.
Okay. Some turkey of a man is going to behave inappropriately in session, touch where he shouldn’t, when he shouldn’t, do or say something that is forbidden. He won’t be allowed back. He might get blacklisted and never know it, and never know when nobody will see him anymore. For an all-too brief moment of feeling his own “power”, he will be stripped of power in a dramatic way.
And what of the session itself?
Whatever you do together, irrespective of whether there is no power dynamic in play, no domination or submission, but just straight up sex, no matter the illusion, the encounter is on her terms. You will see this phrase often, put there for legal reasons, but a deep truth: “you are paying for my time. What we do together is between two consenting adults.” If you genuinely like her and want to see her again, then you will give your power of consent to her.
She sets the mood, the tone. Her desire to please, to “market” to the client, to make him feel heard, seen, and understood, is the most powerful act of submission on his part that takes place. Her molly-coddling in whatever form it takes is quite simply a way of taking his power, stripping him down, and playing with him. He may have chosen the provider because the persona she portrays is the one that he wishes to dally with, but ultimately, he is living inside of a world she creates. And it doesn’t matter that she created it for him, for she is the author.
In my own encounters with professionals, I love the theatre of it. I love the role that they play. At times, it is hard for me to let go of how much I like them as people, how cool I find them, but I wouldn’t want to see someone that I didn’t think was that cool. I have always enjoyed meeting a provider socially the first time we meet–for my safety as well as her own confidence in me not being a creep…it’s an important ice breaker. But recently, I asked for this with a provider and she refused. “I don’t find that a social engagement of any kind outside of our session is conducive to this work. I am not looking for a friend, and nor should you.” I accepted her terms for three reasons: 1. she is super well established so has a professional reputation to maintain, 2. she operates out of a well known incall with other reputable providers, 3. I know that I am going to her for is not something I am likely to seek out very often…and for once, I said exactly what I wanted…and it happens to be what she does exclusively, handle babies like me. Accepting her terms was liberating. And it means that the days before seeing her, I can get my head in the game of the theatre piece that she will create, and what is expected of me as an actor in that play.
But just as she plays a role, puts on a mask, so too, do I. I am not the real me. I am perfect me. Obedient me. Attentive me. Eager to please me. I wear my absolute best behaviour. Not just because I want to see her again; not just because I want her to have a good time with me, so that she will see enjoy her time with me; but also because I want her to like me. And if that isn’t the most profound form of submission, I don’t know what is. Being whipped or collared or bossed around is nothing compared to how submissive it is to pay someone to hold space for you, to tell you that everything is all right, because in that moment, it is. I cannot disconnect the “disease to please”, this toxic need to please others so that they will like me. Unlike in real life, however, this pleasing behaviour is therapeutic in this context. It is just like therapy, and transference really can happen in session too.
And what is it?
The people I am most submissive to in life are the ones I pay. Not even the ones I pay to dominate me. It is the ones that I pay for GFE (girl-friend experience). For it is the in the simulacrum of normalcy that the most profound submission occurs. There is no overt power dynamic to cloud the message. No, not at all.
What is there instead is an overwhelming desire to tune the self towards another person, to be present enough in her words and her touch to feel that you are both there…and that requires an extraordinary leap of faith from the client, and enormous talent and indulgence from the provider…that you meet together in this intimate space. It is bone-crushingly sad to think it is all fake, so it helps to take the time to find someone where there is genuine common interest, common ground, and to take time to cultivate that, even when your intent is to always live inside the envelope that is created by the dynamic and her boundaries. And anyway, not every provider has Daddy issues that she wants to play out with a client twice her age…LOL. Are there any?!
The ritual of BDSM can be so much noise. The most powerful moments I have with the dominatrix I visit with have nothing to do with command, ritual, or sexy outfits. She is a mistress of subtlety, and the more subtle her cues are, the more profound the effect on me. If she taps the chair next to her, perhaps not even looking at me, looking at the chair, just knowing that I will catch the signal and obey. It is a beautiful, whole-body feeling. This trust that the dynamic itself has a life of its own. It seems that the first minutes of ever session bring me to tears. It is just something so simple as kneeling before her, of entering her space, of stepping across that threshold into the envelope that she has created to receive me. And that’s the point. She has allowed me into a space which she has created for me to be seen in…a space where so few of us in society ever get seen, because of shame or other factors. How could the power be anywhere other than in her hands…and to suggest or think otherwise is to lose the magic, or even worse, to never know it exists.
This is all the more poignant to me because the most important D/s relationship of my life thus far fell apart out of a mutual disrespect for each other’s boundaries. I should have walked on the several occasions where I felt it impossible to have my boundaries respected…but that has to do with my disease to please.
I was with an FSSW not too long ago (an escort). I will have to write about it someday, for it was bliss. To “hire” such a person and to not have sex with them is an act of rebellion. I am not asexual but flirting and playing with an escort without actually doing, being little kids together, is the most blissed out thing I can think of. We did end up in each other’s arms, but when she said, “it’s time for you to go to bed,” I was so excited to be sent to bed. I can’t tell you anything hotter than getting off on respecting somebody else’s boundaries. Thinking of her in the great big king bed she had all to herself while I slept in a tiny room across the hall, was so hot for me. In 100 nights of staying in the apartment, the only time I slept in that bed was after she had left the next day, but I could still feel her energy and smell her perfume on the sheets.
And somebody might ask me, might observe, “what a waste! To be with such a gorgeous woman and not have sex.” [guy talk]. But I am thinking, that of all the things she can do, does do with her clients, it can all live in a giant flirt of potential (who knows what we will do, especially since I don’t ask), and flirting, teasing, is just so hot…what’s going to happen? And this is where magic lives. And because the power is hers, it matters to me even more that we acknowledge it, and it matters to me that she comes to get me, not me her. She will ask for the us to do the things that she wants to do…what she enjoys, and that matters to most of all, because I don’t like to spend time with someone who I don’t already believe I will want to see again. And again.
Wanting to know that the illusion is real is tempting but is a bit like destroying Christmas. And letting go, being faithful, just believing, is where the magic comes. This is something that we learn over time…something I had to learn the hard way. And yes, being with a provider is intense, but is also infrequent, so though we may remember it for the rest of our lives, create memories which last, it is not often enough to create the kind of familiarity that friendship is made of. Thankfully, it is also such an expensive luxury, that it can’t be done all that often, must be saved up for…and as such, is a cherished moment.
But I also think that we become better at it. That we learn to crawl into a fantasy too…that we learn to co-create it. This is something that I have understood with time. And I book to see providers for the strangest reasons which have nothing to do with their looks (though they are all invariably rather fetching), but more to do with the vibe they put out. Maybe some quirk of clothing taste, a sense of humour. The person I have seen more than once who does this with me as a client I chose because she is an outspoken feminist. I love that. The outspoken, empowered woman is my definition of gorgeous. Perhaps because this is what I want to be like myself.
There is nothing on this earth that is sexier than an empowered woman. And say what you like, but a woman who flouts social mores and becomes a high-end SW, is at the pinnacle of owning herself, owning her power. It is so, damn, hot.
Most men go to an FSSW (all men?) to bonk. I couldn’t imagine. Apart from not being a man, can you imagine the joy of going to an FSSW and not bonking? But instead, just teasing, flirting, talking, being all chaste, like two little nuns? Can you think of anything hotter? Like permanent edging? I tease her back. She has told me what she likes and playing into those fantasies for her is fun for me, even though they are not mine…and I am really grateful to her for the openness, and that she feels safe enough with me to play that way.
We all look for different things on the surface. But the truth seems to be that the substance of what we seek is the same. Human connection. Feeling loved. Without the noise. Being seen. Being accepted warts and all.
Who has the power? My money is on the person who makes me feel that way—the power to make me feel good is rooted in the power to take it away. And in a client-provider dynamic, there is only one person who has that power, and it sure isn’t the client. And that, my friends, is what makes the experience so compelling. Especially for someone like me who has soooo much to learn about surrender.
P.S. it is true that the more time you spend with a person, the better you get to know each other…and with time, some providers will open up. But her choice to do that remains her choice. The power remains with her.
Author
Discover more from Beyond Non-Binary
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Thank you for such a thoughtful and insightful post. Your reflections on the power dynamics within high-end sex work are truly compelling, and I appreciate the way you’ve delved into the intricacies of these relationships. The way you describe the control that a provider maintains, even in scenarios where the client might feel like they hold the power, really resonates with me.
As someone who has spent many years working at the street level, I’ve seen firsthand how important it is to manage that dynamic, even when the circumstances are quite different. Just as you described, letting the man think he has the power while knowing you’re the one in control is a skill that’s crucial to the work, whether it’s happening in a luxury setting or on the streets.
I also found your discussion about the screening process particularly interesting. The ability to thoroughly vet clients is indeed a powerful tool, and while it’s something that might be more accessible to those in higher-end work, the underlying need to ensure safety and compatibility is something that resonates with all of us in the profession. On the street, the process might be different—more reliant on instinct and experience than formal protocols—but the goal is the same: to protect ourselves and create a positive experience for both parties.
Your insights into the emotional and psychological aspects of these encounters are also something I’ve found to be true across different settings. The idea of creating a world where the client feels seen, understood, and cared for is at the heart of what we do, no matter where we do it. It’s about crafting an experience that, as you mentioned, feels almost therapeutic for the client, while still maintaining the boundaries and control that keep us safe.
I don’t mean to shift the focus away from your excellent points—rather, I’m reflecting on how your experiences align with what I’ve seen in my own work. There’s a shared wisdom in what you’ve described, and it’s something I believe connects us, regardless of where or how we practice.
Thank you for being an ally and for sharing such a rich perspective on the complexities of our work. Your reflections offer valuable insights, not just for those in high-end settings, but for anyone in this line of work. It’s through conversations like these that we can continue to learn from each other and push forward together.
Oh Mai Goddess…what a treat your reflections are! Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and with such depth. I think of these things more and more as I become a Sex Worker. I don’t really know when the official line was crossed, and while the nature of the work each of us does is different, and I seem to be working in porn more than doing sessions, but the lines seem so blurry.
And it is this living on both sides of the line that make me more and more aware of the dynamic. I love to see providers, but I also love being a provider…and having both experiences makes each one enrich the other.
I am struck by how much instinct is always the most important screening tool. I went to see a provider recently and I was amazed that she didn’t screen me, didn’t want references, didn’t want anything, not even to meet first, and just wanted to jump in. I asked her about it later, and she just said, “baby, I knew you were fine from the first sentence.”
I am so happy that you are here and have joined the conversation. Be safe and prosper.
Of course, love. And I will be following your blog very closely because you have some wonderful insight. It’s nice to see things from a different perspective somebody coming into the industry from the other side of the fence.
Of course, instinct is my first tool. Like the one you mentioned from the first sentence, I can tell somebody’s bullshit or not, excuse the French. in this industry, we learn to become a psychologist of sorts. Able to judge a persons, intent, as well as their personality in just a few lines I’m sure you’ll find out or probably already have.
It’s also good that you’re exploring more the pornography/online Aspect of the industry, rather than the bedrooms because it’s like I tell the girls that come to me for tutelage so often: “the future of sex work is not in these bedrooms, but on line.” I’ve tried, but I’m old now lol my future is graduated from this bottom level rung And onto one Porten work, such as advocacy, and offering a look into this world to show that we do not belong lumped into the criminal element. That decriminalization Would allow us to separate those of us who wish to actually do this work from those were being forced to do it, and hold the people who coerced them responsible.
Thank you for so many deep dives into our realm, because it is healthy for us to have our stories heard, but not only that be able to “come out“ as sex workers probably and say this is my job. I want to pay my taxes, just like everybody else.
Keep doing the good work. I’ll be here for the ride.
It is interesting what you say…one of my mentors is almost exclusively in person…and she does very well. I admire her greatly. And I find myself drawn to that kind of work, not because of the high hourly earnings potential, though this would be nice, but more because of how validating it is as a trans woman.
There is something really powerful about having a man (and I don’t even like men) begging to touch my body. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. Oddly, one of my closest industry friends is an FSSW who also finds her work validating…she chose Sex Work because she likes the attention, and how it makes her feel about her body. I wonder if this is a widely held feeling.
Funnily enough, I have much more confidence on film than I do in person. There is something about the presence of the camera that sends my creative, kinky, juices into overdrive…and somehow I am more hesitant when it is a one-on-one and there isn’t a room full of people sitting on fold-up chairs, drinking coffee, and just sitting quietly off camera.
I do feel tremendously validated in my body about this kind of work too…so much of what we do, and feel comfortable doing just has to do with living it, really stepping into it, and not being afraid. I did a scene yesterday with a woman who was a stand-in as a dominatrix, and she was such an incredible natural, from her dirty talk to her moves, every single thing she did…but normally she is a dancer and performer…and I was kind of in awe of her. You know what I mean when you are working with someone and they just kick into overdrive somehow and you see how good they are at what they are doing, and you almost want to just watch them do their thing?
Anyway, we all went out after and she put her arm around my shoulder and flirted with me and put out insane lesbian vibes.
If there is one thing that I love more than anything about being a Sex Worker it is that my sister vibe with people is so unbelievably nourishing…and I am finding that it is affecting in beautiful ways the providers that I continue to see…
I will never ever say that does work in person is not validating. The thing you’re talking about the thing with how you could do nothing but watch this woman did everything, so Hearing you describe, it makes me understand now why the girls would tell me that they could do nothing but watch while I was working and I’ll be egging them to keep up. I don’t know what it was, but there was a day after I started doing this, where suddenly my body just kicked into overdrive and I was doing things I never thought I ever could do. It just started coming naturally to me. I guess you could say. Like an auto pilot kicked in and suddenly I found myself moving in such a way that was so fluid and natural that the client I was with, could do nothing more than stare at me without most reverence. I don’t know why, but maybe I kind of do but I call that my inner Jezebel. I told the girls channel your inner Jezebel just don’t let them throw you off the tower. Also, though keep in mind, the things are a little different in my arena, then in the room here working. I’m not sure if you know what the Berlin Turnpike is in Connecticut, but look it up with turnpike girls. There’s no Marriott here. There’s no Radisson even. Just the old-fashioned pump and dumps the line the side of the road which probably have hidden cameras in there and where even the roaches have to pay a fee lol but I would Look down at the ones that do this work this particular field. We are the catchalls we collect the ones that fail the higher end screening processing. Well, that part in between the glamour People think about when they think of an escort, and the trash others think about when they think of a hooker. If I were to make an analogy, I would say the escorts would be like employees at the Hilton, hookers be working at Phil’s Road side Pump n Dump, and there’s us working at the Howard Johnson. I guess when I seen that I tell the girls the future is not in the bedrooms I’m talking about different bedrooms and I’m more concerned about their safety and their future, Then I am about their earnings.
Excuse my poor grammar and typos, I just woke up, and I tend to write one something fresh in my mind
Please, no worries. I make so many mistakes too…and yes, it is early. But good things happen to those of us who get up for them.
I am so grateful that you read my blog and that you take time to write, and share your life, your experiences. You are so beautiful.
Safety is so important, and when you talk about instinct, that is a domain that you rely on to thrive, but also to survive. It is something that we all have, but I think we can also get better at listening to.
The groove of your inner Jezebel is exactly what it feels like, and how I felt on my first major filming day when there were so many girls who didn’t want to do one thing or another, and I was up for all of it…and as a result, I worked my ass off, got invited back, and fucked me all day…and while I was doing it, this feeling you describe just kicked in, like I was almost out-of-body…but I didn’t have to think. I just was on a kind of auto-pilot, saying and doing kinky things, but also have an instinctual feel for the arc of the narrative, the timing, and what had to happen…
And do you know what is funny? 8 minutes. 8 minutes is the arc of male lust and desire. It is the time of their attention span. It is the time they need to comfortably play with themselves when they watch dirty films…the things we can learn from the porn industry blow my mind.
Sex sells. Sex drives everything. Sex is the most fundamental and important part of human existence. Why the heck we wrap it up in shame is beyond me. Who does that serve?
You go girl, have a beautiful day…and be good.