I fired my favourite therapist—this time for good.  And Why is it Okay to be anti-trans?

I have been working with my favourite therapist for over two years.  In this time, we have had a pretty “abnormal” client/patient relationship.  This has included me calling her ‘Mommy’ and her encouragement/acceptance of that (she sees herself as a channeller of divine female, mothering energy); her having an orgasm by listening to me talk about being a slave and what that means to me; her desire to have a ‘play’ relationship outside of the bounds of therapy; me providing her resources and coaching (at her request) on how to become a dominatrix…any one of these things would probably cost her license.  They are all red flags.  Why did I stay?

I stayed because she helped me.  I remained wary of her, vigilant, but she dug into and reached places in me that I have not gotten to with conventional therapy.  She meditated with me, worked with me on free association, and together we found ourselves in trance-like states that allowed for deep memory recall.

It was with her that I was able to uncover some of the specifics of the abuse that my mother wrought upon me.  She was instrumental in helping me to re-parent myself.  And while it was my other therapist, my talk therapist, who suggested that I become my own dominatrix, my own slave, meeting my needs from inside, this therapist was the one who helped me to put theory into practice.

Sounds great, right?  So why let go?

It’s very simply.  Her views and her values about being trans ran counter to mine.  She is anti-surgery.  She is a devout Christian and she believes I was born perfect as I am.  She asks, “what would you have done had you been born in another time, when access to these surgeries wasn’t possible?”  The answer, ‘probably kill myself’, was not an acceptable one.  But I don’t find these ‘what-if’s’ all that healthy to indulge in.

She was fond of saying that in ancient societies trans people, intersex people, the non-binary were revered and became shamans.  I think it is more likely that in a very small number of societies they were shunned, forced to live on the edge of the village, and had no choice but to become witches and sex witches in order to survive.  They were most certainly outside of the power structure.  This fond reconstruction of history is at once ignorant, seductive and dangerous.  The truth is that my trans brothers and sisters through the ages were cast out if they were lucky, but were more likely to be enslaved or killed.

So, her views about keeping my body intact, “but what happens with the tissue that they don’t use.  I don’t like the idea of seeing it thrown out, disrespecting the body.”  The Jews don’t either, which is why most hospitals will give you your tissue back on religious grounds.  I intend to get my balls back, to dehydrate and preserve them, and then to set them in Perspex so I can wear them as earrings.  I’m not kidding.

This all has been simmering on the back burner, not quite sitting right with me for about a year.  But recently, I asked her for letters of support.  These letters are required for any trans person who is working with established healthcare professionals anywhere in the world to access trans healthcare.  You need multiple letters from therapists, psychiatrists, medical doctors, endocrinologists…to get surgery of various kinds, to have the support of insurance, to access hormones.  While many in the trans community regard this as gatekeeping, I am okay with it, in large part, because I don’t want someone who is unsure and hasn’t really thought it through to be able to slip through—perhaps for purely selfish reasons, as one who slips through does lot’s of negative PR for the rest of us who really need this to survive.

My wife is trying to stop me from transitioning, trying to prevent me from having surgery.  As part of the process, I needed to give the court further confirmation of the legitimacy of my diagnosis and explain what it means.  This has meant providing letters from 5 different doctors, mental health practitioners, endocrinologists that I have “gender dysphoria” as an official diagnosis, and that surgery is a medical necessity for my health and well-being.  This is a critical definition.  In the old days, transsexualism was defined as a mental health issue, leading to all kinds of negatives about trans people.  The current guidelines, agreed globally by doctors and legislators is that gender dysphoria is a medical condition.  As a consequence, surgery is deemed to be a necessity, not an elective surgery…it is also regarded as corrective.

My wife trying to stop this inevitable surgical procedure is welcome, as it is an attempt to violate my human rights.  Perhaps some readers will disagree with the politics of that, but it is enshrined in law, even in the trans-unfriendly UK, where Prime Minister Rishi Sunak just yesterday slurred transgender people during PMQ’s in Parliament.  It is outrageous that a political leader, even more a PM, would demonstrate bigoted disregard for a persecuted minority.  If it doesn’t disgust you, there is something wrong.  The Conservatives have lost me forever on this.  And Labour is no better.  The anti-trans tide is growing.

Because of the threatening shit-storm over transgender rights, and what is already happening at US state level, with trans people being denied access to medication, my endocrinologist has changed my status from “transgender” to intersex.  Intersex people are not being denied these basic rights.  I am grateful for his enlightenment.  It is also now true as my Sapphic love partner of last week told me that I had the sexiest tits she had ever seen—all said before and after she alternatively pleased and punished them.

This is going to get me roasted in trans circles, but some of our collective positions on trans rights are part of the problem.  Specifically, the insistence that trans women are women.  It is an important concept, but I don’t agree with it as stated.  From a legal perspective, a trans woman should be equal to a woman.  But from a social perspective, we are not.  At least I don’t feel that.  I live 100% out.  I filter every decision through some kind of conscious or unconscious process of acting as a woman would do.  But I cannot set aside that my lived experience is different.  The discrimination and opposition I have experienced are different.  Dysphoria is not shared between cis and trans.  

I get why we say trans women are women.  We are.  We are in the sense that we should not be denied those rights that women have.  We should not be denied access to sports, to bathrooms, etc.  Do I think we should be put on the same podium in sports as women, possibly, but there are differences.  They are not as great as the histrionics suggest, but there are differences, and perceptions of difference, and both matter.

My experience as a runner and a trans woman is that I have had a massive drop in muscle mass since going on hormones, that I run 90 seconds slower over 1km than I did when I was pre-HRT.  That I get winded easier.  But also that I have more stamina—it is easier for me to just keep going on a run.  It is also easier for me to take a whipping—the pain is more tolerable.  Because I still carry the weight of a male body, but no longer have the muscle mass of a male body, I do not feel that I have an advantage in such a sport, but clearly I would in sports which require size and weight.

Why can’t we just award two gold medals, one for the trans woman and one for the cis woman?  And for intersex?  Put them with us.

The term transgender seems to be losing meaning.  I applaud the idea that the term transgender is pitched in the broadest sense.  But I am also beginning to wonder if we have not gone too far.  I have always thought that by definition transgender means that there is a disconnect between biological sex and gender.  This is also what gender dysphoria is, only perhaps you might make the distinction that the person it afflicts is bothered by it.  But the idea that you can be trans and not have gender dysphoria doesn’t make sense to me.  And I think this is what society is reacting to.  The idea that I can just say that I am trans and that’s enough…and that would be enough in some people’s eyes to give me access to a woman’s locker room, or somesuch safe space for women.

Women need safe same sex spaces.  Particularly since women are subjected to violence mainly from men.  Trans women do too.  Trans women are even more likely to suffer violence at the hands of men.  Trans women need protection too.  I believe that a trans woman should be welcome in a women’s bathroom, locker room, etc, but it is a question of degrees, of timing, of commitment.

What makes me uncomfortable, and what makes many women uncomfortable, and what is used by the anti-trans lobby, is that a man might use the cover of calling himself trans to access these spaces, and we don’t have adequate protection against this potentially predatory behaviour.  The threat is small I believe, but it only takes one bad apple, and who wants a pervert in the locker room?  I sure don’t…I would take double offense—because this asshole’s transgression will reflect badly on all trans people, and it is also a legit source of fear that a male predator will use it as cover.

I have not used women’s bathrooms even when invited to do so until now, when I have legal documents that show I am female.  And I won’t use them unless I am carrying them.  As my body changes more and more, this will be less necessary.  Women stare at my boobs as much as men do.  I will still use the men’s room until I am post-op.  My documents are all mixed up how, some saying female, others male.  There is a mad dash to get them all changed before the US election season and before legislative changes in Britain make it harder or take away the right altogether.

So what do we do?  Even if my standard for me is legal changes, a level of commitment to being trans as evidenced by 2 years of hormone therapy, legal status change, and what will soon make me a post-op transsexual.  All of that unequivocally puts me on the female side fo the ledger.  I would argue that any one of them would, but could accept that hormones alone to the outside observer would not be enough, though ironically, is probably the one thing that makes me more female than any other.

Where do we draw the line as a society?  We absolutely have to.  And the answer isn’t to make all bathrooms shared gender.  That just adds cost to buildings, creates problems for women of all kinds, and is simply not viable.

So why did I get so mad at my favourite therapist that I had to fire her?  She was gatekeeping the consent letters.  I didn’t need her letter, I already have enough, but to add to my collection, to demonstrate to the court and anyone else all of my diagnoses, I asked her.  And she was gatekeeping.  Asking questions and giving me the feeling that she might actually say ‘no’.  I thought this was horrific.  Everyone else I deal with knows the diagnosis, has confirmed through their work with me, and simply does it.  She wanted to speak to my surgeon in order to write a letter.  I told her on the spot it was horrifying to me.  After, I thought about it, and became more horrified.  So I wrote her to tell her that a therapist is not a gatekeeper, and that she has no business treating trans people…she has asked me to speak about it, which I will do, but the decision is final.

I don’t have time for this.  I won’t let anything stand in my way now.  I have waited my whole life to have a sex change.  The discrimination, gatekeeping, aggression, all of the negatives that come with it only serve to strengthen my resolve.  Yes, it sucks that 2/3 of the planet is no longer safe for me to visit.  But I also revel in it because it makes me want to fight.  To fight back.  And it also fuels my lust to beat men and to dismantle the patriarchy one person at a time.

How would it make you feel?