The other evening I went to my very first munch. This is a meet-and-greet event held monthly in the kink community where newbies like me can pop around and meet other kinky people.
As it happened, the group was mostly men, and I was a bit late, but as I walked in, there was one woman sitting off to the side. And I had thought before going, would I perhaps meet a lifestyle domme, or a domme and just be able to talk to her? There was a seat next to her, but there were other seats as well, and I didn’t know where to go, and wondered if it would be wrong to go where I wanted which was to sit next to her. But that was the only place I wanted to sit.
She made it easy. She patted the seat as if (as if) to tell me to sit next to her. This is what Mistress does: very small, subtle gestures. The smaller they are, the more powerful. Imperceptible to anyone else. It is a form of protocol. Silent command. Silent obedience. I sat down next to her. And we got to know each other and all the others sitting around us.
Nobody was talking about their kinks or anything, really it was more about life, what their vanilla jobs were, until we’d been there for a while and then this deeper stuff emerged. When I asked some questions of the more experienced people there, the lady next to me revealed her experience and position on the D/s continuum through her answers. Pure lifestyle domme.
It was exhilarating but it was also bittersweet. What emerged is that this woman would not go onto social media platforms for fear of being stalked, for fear of the dick pics and other ugly things that end up in her inbox. She described having literally thousands of emails on one platform. It was hard for me to wrap my head around. I noted that I had been on Fet Life for three years and had yet to receive one post. They were all amused by that. All of them.
It is very sad for me that a dominant woman is still fearful because of the toxicity of the society we live in. It makes me feel a bit that wanting to feed this feeling of dominance in women is not a bad thing…but also realise that it isn’t enough. I have to work on men. We all do.
Maybe men are not inherently toxic. Maybe masculinity is not inherently toxic either. It is society that is at fault. Yes, society built on lines that grant excess privilege in all spheres to men. Is it any wonder that it goes to His head? And I mean the collective conscious. Think for a moment of the despot. Or of the CEO. The caricature version. Lot’s of power and privilege. Arrogance often moves in, a sense of entitlement. I know, I’ve felt it. A man in such a position can only counter it by fighting back from all the fatuous signals he receives.
The same is likely true for predatory sexuality. It is held to be ‘okay’, acceptable, not that bad…but this only because the collective social conscience is one that is arranged for men’s convenience and pleasure. Would a world constructed for and revolving around the feminine ultimately encourage a different kind of toxicity? Probably.
This is not an apology or a desire to excuse anything. But the individual man cannot be vilified for the brainwashing, and we must have some understanding of the resistance it requires to become an enlightened man. To change it, we need to radically overhaul the structure of society. Absolute pay equality. Absolute quotas of senior leadership at parity. Enforced paternal parental leave on a par with maternity leave. If he cannot breast feed it doesn’t mean he can’t care for her in a real and present way. The point is, as long as there are structural differences in engagement with work, there will be an excuse for inequality.
And we have to become much more draconian about protecting the vulnerable, the weak, women, children from all kinds of sexualised experience from the mild to the abusive. It is a form of hate crime, and should be exposed as such. You won’t be surprised I feel the same way about trans issues. Gender expression should not be anything other than a personal choice.
The conservative young male houseguest whose views on trans issues have been politely discussed and gradually changed said to me, “if the trans community had spokespeople like you, I bet these issues wouldn’t be so toxic today,” he was understanding things through the lens of my personal experience.
Why it matters to be able to transition before puberty (blockers until 16 when a more adult decision can be taken). Why schools should not report trans children to their parents (because school may be the only safe haven they have). The dangers of the inbetween period, and how the legislation which forces us to live “out” for at least a year before surgery, also happens to be the period when we are most vulnerable.
And the goal of passing is toxic. It exists because of social pressure. Dysphoria leads to suicide because of the social context. My own mild suicidal ideation over a lifetime has only existed because wanting to pass and knowing I couldn’t was eating me up. But in a world where the third sex is okay, more than okay, who would’ve cared?
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