When I love someone, I want it to hurt. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. As I transition, I have begun to understand that my heart is getting bigger, and this allows me to take in feelings that I might not have been capable of before.
I woke up this morning to realise that I love one of my friends so much that it makes my heart hurt. And it is a beautiful feeling. I realise that I would do anything for her, that I would be there for her under any circumstances, and without question. And it got me to thinking…are there any others like that, people in my family or in my circle of friends, who make me feel that way? And yes, there are.
There are my children of course. And my soon-to-be-ex-wife was certainly someone I felt that way about, though not anymore. It can change.
There are others. A handful of friends. Two men and two women spring to mind. These are four people who I know and who know me to the depths of our souls. There is an ease and comfort with one another that is so present it has become completely invisible—the air even understands.
Feeling with this intensity about other people is an essential ingredient of a felt life. In other words, the act of love, the state of being in love, is the essence of life. And it needn’t just be a monogamous partner that creates that feeling, irrespective of sex or gender. Instead, it is a feeling of purposeful connection.
Such a feeling can come with friends. I find this now. Yes, it happened before with boy me, but it was really rather rare, and mostly a long time ago. But now, and I am sure this is related to the process I am experiencing as my mind and body changes, that my emotional connection to the world around me is intensifying. That means tears of appreciation for these friends can flow pretty easily, and along with them, the choked feeling that is the joyful feeling of love pangs.
You might think of how a mother or child says to the other how she will “eat you up” because the other is so deeply loved to become delicious, the kind of connected desire that fills our hearts with bounty.
And I realise also that I am at an age where this may be more than enough for me. That finding a partner is not so important, as there are multiple people who do what a partner does, without the strings attached.
It gives me hope.
This is the core of so much I have written, so much I have held on to in places where the walls were collapsing, so much that pulled me through places where I had seen only darkness…
There are so many stories in these words, running to places nothing else will go.
Hi Woodsy:
Thank you so much sharing. It is wonderful to hear a new voice. Thank you for reading, and I am glad that you have found some of your own story. It is a big part of why writing is important…to understand, and that is not about the self so much as how we are as humans, connected to each other.
Warm regards…
I think that speaks to what my own writing is about.
I really like how you express the beauty of the identities people can create for themselves. There is something quite special that happens when people light up those places in each other and turn what might have been a hiding place into a safe place.
Sometimes the smallest of acts can do this.
Love can turn to hate (as you are finding with your wife) but in time it can turn back to love and affection. A girl I used to go out with we broke up (my decision – I often wonder why) after two years and i really loved her – she started going out with an acquaintance and i hated it and would never speak to her – she married that person so i just accepted it and moved on i saw her occasionally and realised that I was beginning to love her again – naturally i never said anything – she has since divorced and we have spoken and i can see that the love i have for her is back – but i am happily married so would never do anything about it. Funny how things go around in life 🙂
You are so right. I love that Pretenders song, “it’s a thin line, between love and hate.” So true. It’s wonderful to be married. I should think I would rather enjoy getting married again…two women in dresses…or as a slave…either way that’s what it would take…maybe both.
In the meantime, I can rejoice in the growing posse of kink-friendly friends.
Happy holiday weekend.