Well, I have done it. My curiosity about meeting an escort, an FSSW, has come and passed. Meaning that I have experienced it for the first time, not meaning that I wouldn’t want to do it again. It was sublime. I have already shared that experience. But I’d like to talk instead about boundaries, about accepting the space that someone creates, and finding fullness inside of it. The pure, unbridled joy of not wanting more.
She has “known” me for over a year: an occasional interaction on twitter and via email had established my placement in the pantheon of safe, sane, and considerate clients. I didn’t take anything for granted, though, neither for me, nor for her. I asked if we might meet and get to know one another before committing to play. Of course, meeting over a coffee or a meal is hardly the kind of bonding time that one might usually require for lying down with someone, but in this world, when everything is so clear, the things we look for might be quite different.
Because we live so far apart, and both travel constantly, it took nearly 9 months of near misses to finally connect, and in the end I asked if we might simply meet for a chat and then play if it felt good for both of us—I couldn’t see how we might slip in two sessions given how busy we both are. Happily, she said yes. I couldn’t possibly just walk into a hotel room with a stranger and begin to connect intimately without this.
Shortly after sitting down after meeting, she asked me about ex-Mistress and why we no longer play together. I answered truthfully and ventured into what is a true no-go zone for any provider. “We struggled to respect each other’s boundaries.” It is very sad for me, because she is a wonderfully talented domina, but I couldn’t be as she expected of me without crossing some of her boundaries, and this led to the end of the road. In the end, she opened the cage and set me free.
Thankfully she was okay with that. She knows who ex-Mistress is, has known for a long time. I see very few people in this world and spend a long time making sure they are safe and seem like the kind of people that it will be good to be with. And I feel very sorry for any provider that has to let go of a client for whatever reason and then wonders if they will really go. The truth is that it was hard, especially as I didn’t want it, would have preferred to work through it, but respecting the wishes of an intimate partner, and any woman in this domain, is like the cost of life for me–it is more powerful than my ego, no matter my feelings. Being “safe” is an existential requirement for me to accept my own existence, and it has been since I first found I liked girls.
The escort was curious about both ex-Mistress and current Mistress, and very curious about my slave self, not least as she has herself strayed into the territory of being a Domina. This was not part of our engagement, but it was nice to just be with someone and be seen. Nicer still was that she was very open with me about herself and her life. It’s funny, but if I were to put in a nutshell what made me come unstuck with ex-Mistress, it was that the terms of our engagement possessed an imbalance of trust. When you are auditioning to become someone’s slave, while not absolved of responsibility, you must make sure that it feels right and safe. When there is an absence of trust, D/s cannot flourish. That was very much the case with us, and given the high stakes—I don’t really play in the traditional sense, everything must have purpose—it just couldn’t work when there was such a fundamental misalignment of interests.
I did explain this to the FSSW, and also the deep gratitude and respect I hold for ex-Mistress, knowing full well that in a very short time, she had a profound influence on the course of my life. She once said,”I want to see you unfurl.” I didn’t understand what that meant at the time, but I certainly feel it now. I also know that the process has only begun, but I will never be a stuck human again. One cannot unlove she who has been loved.
The people I have come to meet over the past year and a bit have engaged with me in very different ways. Mainly, it has felt natural. The experiences themselves have not been ritualised or fetishized. They have felt organic. I don’t know if this is the person, or if it is my own energy, but it is a very different feeling. And as a result of this change in dynamic, in the openness of the people I have had the honour to play with, I find myself satisfied in ways that didn’t happen before. I don’t accept that being /s makes me less of a person. I don’t accept that being a client makes me less of a person. The ritual humiliation and degradation that some like in play (not me) is not something which should spill into life, even in 24/7. Devotion to someone is not a license to to look down upon. I love me and respect me too much to put up with that. Having experienced its lack, and now finding that every professional I have encountered has been open and without arrogance, I know that my experience was an exception, not the rule.
I know that we are supposed to go to a pro-Domme because we want something, maybe to play in a certain way, to exercise or experience a certain fetish. I do not believe that I will ever encounter someone as talented in that regard as ex-Mistress—she was/is an incredible sorceress and play partner. But I couldn’t help but feel guilty afterwards, in part because this kind of play felt too much about me. While she opined that I struggled to receive, and it may be true, I don’t really care anymore. I go to these people to connect, to give, to energize, to serve, to explore, to learn from, to teach…whatever. It is the power of a confident, grounded woman that draws me in…the knowledge that she is who she is, where she is a power dynamic—even if we don’t for a minute play in the space, knowing that I am /s and she is D/ is enough to make the air crackle.
If I am a service slave, then what on earth am I doing being on the receiving end of so much attention? Does that makes sense? Okay, I did meet with a Domina who is/was a primal. She ate me alive. She dominated me physically, punished my body, whipping me, spitting into my mouth (a domme’s kiss), suspending me, fisting me. I did not feel that she was doing this all for me—her evident lust for bringing out my inner animal left me scratched, bruised, marked, and utterly sated. Best of all? She was totally open with me.
One of the first things I said to the FSSW when we sat down was to say that normally if I were meeting someone in the vanilla world, I would be relentlessly curious about her, but that I really didn’t want to pry or go places that made her feel uncomfortable.
“It’s okay,” she said, “I’m happy to tell you whatever you’d like to know.” And so we had the most beautiful evening and shared freely. That kind of open energy begets something beautiful.
Not wanting anything from her in particular, I was just eager to explore and be curious, to learn, not knowing what one does with an FSSW, not knowing what my body is like, not knowing what it might feel like to be sexually intimate with someone without ever having to consider male bits, there was just wide-eyed wonder. Although we had discussed our respective lives in D/s, this was not something were going to explore together, but I did ask her to be forward, that I was nervous, and that I didn’t want to say or do anything that was not her active choice.
I don’t know what a man would do in my position, would he have expectations, would he ask to do certain things? I guess that with an FSSW someone might have intercourse. I don’t really know. And someone might say to me that to be with such a beautiful woman and to not do such a thing is a waste, but it was totally uplifting for me and freeing. What I felt from deep inside me was a feeling of respect, for the person, for her profession, for who she was, and for the world she was introducing to me.
I could feel her energy all around me. It was a purple-blue edged energy, with many tendrils like fringe, billowing around me, with a core of white light. And I had this overwhelming sensation of quietude and peace, as if standing on the edge of a field where a bunny rabbit nibbled on the grass but still watched me out of the corner of its eye. As if to say that she was curious, but also ready to bolt if I wasn’t as I seemed. Meeting her energy with gratitude and presence, and ever-so-delicate touch left me with a sublime feeling.
‘What just happened?’ I asked myself as I made my way home. Yes, I had learned to be in my body as a non-binary transgender woman. But I learned something far more profound. It was an epiphany, coming to me at the end of a long road started over a year ago with the Domina I play with now. She has been herself with me, grounded, deeply rooted in the feminine, and has never once overtly dominated me. Instead, she has taught me, more by just being, to grow into her, to find her, to meet her on her terms, to submit because that is how we are. In other words, if she is D/ and I am /s, do we even need to discuss it, but rather simply be present in each other’s energy?
This way of being of hers stems from deep confidence and joy in what she does. One cannot help but feel it. To submit to her is to celebrate her, be supportive, and contribute to that joy. It is a very uplifting feeling.
With the FSSW came the same kind of energy. Here was this incredibly grounded and wholesome person who was creating a container for us to play within. Stepping inside of that with curiosity and innocent wonder seemed to open the energy channel. I can’t say what it might feel like to be a man with either of them. But to be perceived as not man, to be perceived and engaged with as the trans woman I am becoming, allows for me to bring my best self. To grow into somebody, to feel them, to connect with them without imposing anything, somehow is the most beautiful of all.
As I drifted off to sleep that night, I realised that this is how to meet the Goddess within. We all carry divinity inside of us. To varying degrees, we allow it to exist. To varying degrees, we allow others to see it and connect with it. By asking for nothing, by energetically finding her, rising to meet her, the Goddess is far more likely to be there to meet you.
Yes, my body is changing, my mind is changing, all of these superficial earthly things about me are changing. But what is the most important thing of all? By finally allowing myself to be me, to express my transgender nature, to embrace the divine feminine within me, has meant I am in my life purpose. I could not have found it another way.
My whole life I felt my body was a punishment, that I was meant to learn a lesson, just could never figure out what. My epiphany is that I have found the answer, have found her, and have found her inside of me. She is filled with love.
At times she is still scared. She is very human. We can’t help it always. No matter how we try. But she is happy for she is finally complete. Her energy is growing. Yes, I have everything I need.
Beyond Non-Binary 