The decoupling of erotic-sexual energy from my D/s energy is proving the most delicious part of my life.   Feeling my truth.


“I am a slave,” I said to a therapist who was taking me on a guided “trip”.

“Good,” she said.  I both loved her response and was puzzled by it.  Owning my truth, however, has set me free.

I am not ashamed to be a slave.  I am proud of it.  I am not a slave to “get off”.  I do not submit to a woman in exchange for something.  Instead, we simply meet within the landscape of a power dynamic, and my surrender takes the form of service.

To say one can get “better” at something that is more an existential question seems strange, but it is true.  Perhaps this is the result of exploration with the right person, someone who doesn’t push me or demand of me—doesn’t boss dominate me, but exists within her powerful femininity.  It is simply there, as is my submission, and this has created/is creating the right conditions for me to seek to push myself to let go, to grow, and to learn the meaning of submission.

The things we find erotic is a bridging language to the subconscious.  In there can be all kinds of things, both positive and negative.  Being a fetishist was very much about having an agenda.  Wanting to wear diapers for example, was symbolic of wanting to feel mommy energy, as if to say that I needed this, and without it, I could not feel it, and ultimately, found release in it.  Such games are possibly still just as powerful.  Possibly.  I don’t know.  I don’t seek them, don’t need them, have been freed from it.

I only played within this space with one of the Domina’s I saw.  But I have shared with all of them,  “I am a baby,” and that is my truth, because I am.  I don’t need the accessories or even the games to feel that energy inside me.  I can connect with innocent wonder to the energy she puts out…we co-create, we find the right energy in each other for a connection.  Whatever it is.

And so it is for my slave feelings.  As I have stepped into these feelings, I am finding it is more than okay to express them, to be in them with my closest friends.  I am not saying we are doing anything inappropriate, or that I am sexualising my friendships.  At all.  But I have no shame in sharing with my friends that I like to take care of them, to look after them, to do things for them.  Being thoughtful and caring is not a sin.  Can being nurturing be my version of slavery?  Do I have mommy energy of my own?

As a male, my role, accepted and enjoyed, was to be a rock, to be the solid support of my partner and the others in my life who depended on me.  I carry this with me into femininity.  A joy of being non-binary is that I needn’t worry so much about what I bring along for the journey, and what I leave behind.  This is a positive male trait that I am proud to carry.  I am feeling my way into femininity.  

But I know that my interest in tending to a Mistress is pregnant with female energy.  And her acceptance and welcoming of that energy is beautiful.  I have so much to learn.  But every day is more delicious than the last.

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