I am surrounded by magic, and it grows stronger and stronger with every passing day

What we look for is what we find.  For good and bad.  I am no longer even looking, because the universe has decided to accept my song.  The spiritual aspects of my life are coming into my energy field, and I feel it pulsing through me.

One thing I have been up to is energy training.  This, among other things, is teaching me, or rather helping me to teach myself how to be present with my energy.  As an ADD person, my energy has always been a maelstrom, but just as metal shavings scattered on paper come into alignment in the presence of a magnet underneath, so too my energy.

I was accosted by a homeless man today as I wrestled with my bags and he was quite pushy at first, but asked me if he could help me so that I could help him.  And I looked at him and thought, what good is energy if it is not used, and I felt my features soften towards him, and found myself looking at him with love and compassion.  I took him for breakfast and we sat together and he ate a decent meal and told me about his life.

He told me nobody would ever hurt me because God was spilling out of me.  It is true that I have never been hurt by anyone other than those who I allowed to hurt me…and that includes potentially abusive family members.

One of the advantages of my “Personality Pattern” is to run away at the first signs of conflict.  It is self-protective.  My father has been the most accepting of my transition in my family.  He has been so soft towards me, so respectful.  It is unexpected and wonderful.  And surprising.

He asked me to tell him about it, if I wanted to, about my transition, what it felt like, how I knew, whether people were being kind to me.  And I told him as best I could.  He thanked me for my openness.  And then he told me a story about me as a child.  My memories of him largely stop at the age of 4 which was the age at which he “disappeared” from my life.  I have wondered why I was the only of his children (or spouses) he did not physically abuse or dominate, and I had my answer in this little story.

After I had finished answering his questions about being transgender and feeling female, and saying, “I’ve always known.”

He told me that, “when you were little, and I can’t remember what it was, you did something naughty, and I was going to punish you, and you said, ‘Daddy don’t’, and I said ‘why not?’ and you said, ‘because I’m different,’ and you looked up at me and looked so vulnerable and that stayed with me all these years.”

Oh, how I wanted to cry, but my whole family was there, watching me.  Oh, how complicated families are, how heavy Thanksgiving is.

My main therapist has been a wonderful guide and support through my transition.  She told me the other day that my energy had changed, and she no longer felt me as male.  She has helped me see these threads of magic around me and has suggested that they are part of the female experience.  These are earth energies, Goddess energies, natural world energies.  As my body, mind, psyche are all engulfed by femininity, a flame is growing inside of me in harmony with the world around me.  But I also find that I cannot take it for granted, that it has to be tended and cared for.

These efforts I have been making for the past 5 years to prepare my body for transition are an important part of this.  I cannot feel the energy I describe, I become corporeally deaf to the magic if I am not fully in care for my physical self—exercise, diet, sleep, and respectful being.  Ex-Mistress abjured me to step into my life as if I was in a temple to the Goddess.  To make the essence of me one of respect.  “If you are in the presence of the Goddess, how do you behave?  How do you touch things?  How do you walk?  Always with respect…in all parts of your life.”  There is so much truth in her words.  I had so much to learn from her, and we only scratched the surface, but when she opened the cage and set me free, even though I was afraid I might not be able to fly, and didn’t want to leave her service, I have found that I can fly.

My father encouraged me to write a journal, that my words to him were fascinating, and that it is a story worth telling.  I do tell it here.  But of the nearly 900 blog posts I have written, I have only published half.  This is good news for me, as the diary, a book, and this blog are increasingly the same thing.

The more my life, in all aspects, comes into line, the happier I am, the more fulfilling every moment becomes.  I could never have asked for anything better.