I love women. This has been a constant in my life. To love and be loved by a woman is a source of bliss for me. And the more I admire who she is, what she stands for, how she is in the world, the richer this feeling becomes.
What I am saying is that an independent, strong, educated, free woman is a beautiful thing, made more so because social pressure brings headwinds. All the more reason to rail against it. This feeling of mine exists outside of kink. Being a supporter of feminism, equality, equity, and a champion for women in society is not at all linked to being submissive. Submission is a face of love.
Self-Love as a Source of Strength
We are taught that true happiness begins from within. The contented are self-sufficient. Love as a partnership is no less important for such a person. In a way, self-comfort allows for a greater and deeper appreciation of a partner. If you need them to fill your cup, to complete you, to reassure you, then there is that much less to play with.
I have been thinking about man’s desire to possess quite a bit lately. I blogged about whether this has something to do with masculinity—wired in from either biological or social causes. It certainly appears as a thread in the toxic strain of the masculine. Women are not immune to a desire to possess, but it does not seem to manifest itself in the same way—the male gaze as one of ownership, the female gaze as one of curiosity. Either way, the desire to possess is a dysfunctional human trait.
In the movie Shangri-La, the main character wishes to take a beautiful woman with him out of the valley that sustains her, not really believing that it will kill her. It is an apt metaphor. What we seek to own in others becomes a kind of entitlement, a toxic force, both for the “doer” and the receiver.
We love best not when we feel obliged, or guilted, but rather when our sense of freedom and play entice us towards one another. Play and curiosity together; now that is power.
My benchmark of understanding for this has been my life experience of an outwardly cis-male, irrespective of how I felt inside, in a couple with a cis female…a heterosexual relationship. This seems to revolve around a coital energy, and while with one GF many years ago, I experienced a kind of non-coital bliss, this kind of genital-centric model seems to be the default go to sexual connection scenario for men and women alike.
Sexual relations of this kind seem to be the hallmark or rite of passage or habit of “normal” couples, or the majority of such couples. Kink in such scenarios seems to sit alongside this paradigm…whether that is some kind of fetish play or BDSM…it all seems to get worked out within a framework of an eventual goal, which is to “get off” for both parties (though the imbalance here is truly alarming).
One of the stumbling blocks I had experienced in my own life was how to reconcile the simple act of wearing a diaper with sex—obviously the physical barrier precludes that. Well, there are lot’s of ways to imagine how that can be accommodated…for instance, sometimes you do it, sometimes you don’t. Another way was what evolved between me and a very important GF who actually got off herself on putting me in diapers—it wasn’t the mommy energy, it was the power she felt from my reaction…and she absolutely loved the body worship that emanated from me to her when I was in a prolonged period of sub-space…and how this could spread out of the bedroom into me taking care of her—running her bath, washing her, and then leaving her to go and cook for her, serving her…and this was all before I had any real inkling of BDSM.
She used my response to this baby space in other ways—as a way to tease me in our daily lives in ways that would prepare me for later when she wanted to play. Her ultimate fantasy? For me to take her to one of London’s top restaurants and for her to collar and leash me as I was getting the check, and to lead me out in that way. That image so deeply affected me that it has become one of my great fantasies…When your partner’s deepest sexual fantasy is the mirror of your own, sparks fly.
But what of all of this other than to prove that kink and traditional coital hetero interaction can coexist. We had “normal” sex all the time. As I think back, she may have been my only long-term partner where sex wasn’t triggering.
But can there be a “couple” when this kind of sexual coupling doesn’t exist?
There is certainly much that can be learned from gay couples, male or female. Toys come into play. Mind games and power exchange might also do this.
But I am not aware of, though I am sure they exist, alternative models of coupledom that exist without some form of intercourse. And why is this puzzling and important? As a non-binary, I have no idea how to be with someone. I don’t (yet) have lady bits and my male bits don’t work anymore. I think I still become aroused, but there is no physiological response in my boy bits. Please excuse me for saying so, but the only signal that something is going on is the presence of pre-cum…not at all to the same degree, but it is I guess a bit like being “wet”.
What I have traded for in genital arousal has been the awakening of my skin. This amounts to an awareness that I never had before, but also a heightened sensitivity—it is as if the nerve endings doubled overnight. There are also very real and discernible physiological changes to my nipples and aureoles as breasts begin to bud, and the sensitivity that this brings on is putting the perk in my shirts…and is hard to ignore.
I believe that touch in this context will bring satisfaction to me, even deep, but will I ever have an orgasm again? Do I even care? I am a deeply sexual being, I always have been, but I realise more and more that my sexual is more sensual, mental, emotional, and spiritual than it has ever been physical.
There is something else. I cannot deny the connection between chastity and my current state of effective castration. Talk about commitment! I could easily transfer this feeling of being chaste to someone, but right now it resides in me, though it could also be transferred to a higher power, God, the Earth, the divine feminine. The options are many…and this has me thinking that I could end up becoming a nun—though it would have to be an alternate church for sure, a kinky one at that.
That’s my pleasure. But what about hers? How many women might exist that would find me attractive based on the expectation that I have functioning equipment and live within the heteronormative paradigm? What if they want to fxxk? Do I wear a strap-on? Do I become extremely adept with my tongue? How do I please her? Satisfy her feelings of being “taken”?
Thankfully, there are teachers of these arts out there, and I look forward to learning. If nothing else, I will be an avid pupil.
And Where Does the Slave Fit?
Could I serve the same person I am coupled with in a full-on D/s dynamic? I believe that this is what I am looking for, to be slave. But it takes an extraordinary person to own a slave too. The book Uniquely Rika has provided some great insight. It’s a shame, because my wife would have been so perfect for this, only she isn’t like that. [With her, I have been the opposite of a narcissist, burying my needs and myself, sublimating them to hers, for the duration of our relationship].
So, I guess that at least the dynamic can exist. But even Rika and her slave husband have sex in the traditional way…and that is something that I will soon enough no longer be capable of, even if I stop taking hormones. Then what?
And what of the pro-client relationship? There is something very safe about this. An opportunity to learn, to connect, but to do so without the potential life and heart risk that investing a couple relationship with might entail. Is it just that I lack the courage? Is it scary to put all the eggs in one basket? Or does the essential nature of partnership as embodied in couple relationships suck the power exchange out of them. I am aware of one pro-client Domme/sub relationship that evolved into a couple relation, away from BDSM, and then he asked if he could play outside of the relationship—ie. find a domme!
The pro-client context is also one of work for the pro. That creates all kinds of interesting added complexity. The best pro’s, as with anything, enjoys the work, enjoys their talent. There seem to be a very small number of professionals who have blended their work and personal lives completely, and being a dominatrix with men in service has come to define their lives. I don’t know the intimate details of such people, but I do know several dommes who have or have had BFs and that has worked at times and it has not at others—some BFs get jealous…and so do some clients. Not appropriate in either case.
An enduring partnership between client and provider
There is a professional and a client out there, and who shall remain nameless, who have been an enormous inspiration to me. There has been loving support from sub to domme, intense compersion, years of career success, a beautiful and mutually rewarding intertwining of lives on a time-limited basis—they see one another every two weeks or so…they travel abroad together from time to time. But they also have beautiful, separate lives.
I know that he loves her for how he has expressed himself, and I know that she has genuine affection for him because of the crazy fun things they do and have done together. And even though they don’t have sex, that this is just like most BDSM pro-client relations, I suspect that there is a kind of mutually sustaining love there, a deep friendship, and mutual respect.
And for those of you who think that the economics of the dynamic somehow make it less special—simply untrue. Expensive is marriage; expensive is divorce.
So, why am I so perplexed?
I believe that it is possible to be with a pro and to feel and cultivate a deep and mutually sustaining and fulfilling relationship. Absolutely. Like any relationship, it also requires openness and some degree of work on the part of both.
Is this antithetical to relationships outside of the pro-client D/s dynamic? I don’t know. People make polyamory work, and that must be an awful lot more challenging. In a way, that the boundaries exist, that the entire thing is time boxed and rule bound helps it to work. If we can be clear what give each other, how we nourish the other, and the interaction is firmly about enriching one another’s lives…well gosh, then why not.
It is a kind of friendship, a kind of smoothness in relations, mutual growth. I have had something similar with one or two colleagues in work—helping each other advance, helping each other succeed…and we both went home to our spouses. Did it help that the air positively crackled with sexual energy? Yes. Somehow the lure/threat/impossibility of sex makes it what it is. If we don’t have that crazy, impetuous, giving energy, the never-let-the-other-down mindset, then it won’t reach such dizzying heights.
But you know what? You can’t go there on your own.