Loneliness and the she in me, the emotional emptying of divorce, and how we put humpty-dumpty back together again

The boy that has grown up with me, in me, as me, has developed a wide range of coping mechanisms to enable him to live life to the fullest.  The she in me is still a baby in terms of life development and has much to learn.  She is also lonely.

I realise that being able to talk to people, people who are close, not just about what it is like to be trans, but more importantly, how she feels, is a vital dose of human contact.  She needs it.  She also needs to express herself here.  She thrives when people talk to her through their comments.  She also thrives on other platforms when people are “social” with her.

There are others who help her too.  My therapists.  A regular appointment with a therapist is a kind of constant and source of companionship.  Its regularity and warmth are a bit like friendship in a way, though not quite the same.  

Same too, was contact and play with a dominatrix—there is something about being seen and known in ways that nobody else sees and knows you that feed the soul.  As a basis for friendship, there ought to be no more fertile ground.  But as we know, friendship does not prosper in a network of one-way streets.

Friends are and have been important too, but only a very small few actually know her—at least know her beyond a superficial level.  When friends see you as her, there is a lot of explanation, a lot of adjusting, a lot of reinterpretation and reorientation in how they feel you, place you, interact with you.  I am blessed in that all of my friends are doing the work.  And as I look back over my life and think on why it is that I am not experiencing loss of friendships or blowback for coming out as transgender as so many of my trans sisters and brothers do, and I can only think it is because I have been good.  That I have always been there for them.  That I don’t ever stand in judgement.  That I don’t snipe behind people’s backs, that I have always been there when it counted, when they asked, or was seen to have been asked.

You reap what you sow.

What’s not to love about friends like that?  But it isn’t enough.  Why?  Well, readers over time might have noticed references to many geographic places.  Not being in one place is one of the core elements of my life—not totally by choice, but a constant.  Friendships thrive on regularity, habit, frequency.  When one doesn’t know where one will be from one week to the next, it makes this kind of casual, “hey, watcha doin’, let’s go out.”  The practical meaning of this is that in order to cultivate and maintain friendships, advance planning is required—in fact, constructing daily and weekly life around seeing people becomes the order.  When someone says, “tell me when you’re in town and we can get together,” instead I have to say, “let’s get together on X date,” as if I am going to be there, and then build a presence around not just one, but several such encounters.  That way, if something in mix falls through, there is always plenty to pick up the slack.  I think that is the opposite way that most people live.  In other words, I might fly half-way around the world because I want to see someone, and then once we have a plan, will arrange a bunch of other things too, so that the trip is loaded up with a mix of necessary, logistical, cultural, and fun things.

But it takes work…and honestly, it isn’t quite enough.  Nothing replaces a friend around the corner.  There is a French expression which translates to, “if you have more than one friend, you don’t have any friends at all.”  The meaning of that is the importance of deep friendship, that such friendship takes investment, time, emotional effort.  While the intent of that expression was not meant to be one’s spouse, that is what she represented for me.  My best friend.

My wife has been my Queen for over 20 years.  And now I am grieving.  As recently as last summer I told her that if it came down to having to make a choice between her and my children, I would choose her.  I also understood that she would not make the same choice, that she would choose the children.  Of course.  Most people would.  But she was my partner.  My co-creator in the beauty of life and in purpose.  Through thick and thin.  In sickness and in health.

People like me who have no true sense of place do just this.  I wrote about this once some time ago, about the phenomenon of the TCK, or third culture kid.  Far less likely to divorce, fulfilling sense of “place” through friendships.  The irony of my current situation is not lost on me.

I think that underpinnings provided by the TCK mindset are what made it possible for my wife and I to live in a sexless marriage, because she too is a TCK.  And as it all begins to unravel, I understand just how big a hole it will leave to not have this person who was more than a best friend for so long.

Especially as I now step forward into an unknown and intolerable world.  And the impact of being “dumped” by her and by ex-Mistress in the same week has underscored that I am alone, that we are all alone, that we must find and cultivate the capacity for deep spiritual self-companionship.

Losing My Favourite Therapist

I can’t tell yet whether I should post about my favourite therapist, who has just resigned as my therapist.  I have written a post, but it is almost too weird to share.

She has done so much for me in terms of helping me heal and move forward.  She is a specialist in attachment and attunement issues, re-birthing, re-parenting, all of the things that I deeply need as someone who has ADD, is an infantilist, but also, what I am going through now.

What happened?  As she was holding space for me in joint meditation, in hypnosis, I spoke of the deep underlying needs inside of me to submit to someone I love–that love for me is defined by this act, or way of being. And as I spoke to her I felt a feeling of her awareness of her own life, and that what I was describing was appealing. She became aroused, and then asked to meet outside of therapy, admitting that it was not appropriate.  She is undeniably beautiful, but this has all of my alarm bells going off.  

I am sad to lose her. She has been an exceptional healer. But I also feel affirmed in a way that lies at the root of what I am looking for in a partner, whether for play, work, or life. To just be in service. How is it affirming? Well, a woman friend who also happens to be a submissive like me, said something similar when I spoke to her of what goes on in my psyche as I contemplate service, “I think I want one of those.” That gives me hope for the future…but now I am down to one therapist–kind of scary for me. I had to make her promise not to “get weird” on me.

The last time we spoke, and despite my equipment no longer working (yes, I no longer get hard, such are the effects of a combination of anti-androgens and estrogen), I still am capable of leaking seminal fluid—as they call it, pre-cum.  I don’t mean to be vulgar, but ex-Mistress rather beautifully described this physiological reaction as flattering, and that is how I like to think of it.  But my therapist’s confession of arousal came with a request to explore outside of the therapeutic relationship, to possibly travel together, to change the nature of what we do together.

Talk about danger lights.  And of course, it arouses me.  My mind goes wild at the thought.  She is a beautiful and articulate woman.  She also has the ability to go deep into the emotional.  One of my “in-scene” friends has said, “she wants to be your domme.”  Can you imagine?  Sexual fantasy yes, but reality, oh-my-oh-my.  I have just lost an important pillar.

I can’t even begin to imagine what my other therapist is going to say to me today about this.

And while all of the relationships of my life are now changing, so too is the reality that my work situation will likely change, that I will have to move out of possibly all of my homes (my wife is seeking to make me homeless—such is the vengeance of a wounded spouse).  It is all very disorienting.  And how do I cope?

I have always had a need to envisage the future.  It is a kind of manifestation.  Perhaps it can be interpreted or misinterpreted as a desire for something I don’t have yet, but for me, it is a kind of lighthouse that leads me to where I am going, and the light sits on some faraway place dictated by an emotional and spiritual language that might have learned words in the past, but is formed of a kind of forever future moving present—what should the present be composed of, what should it feel like, what should it be.   This is not dissatisfaction with the past or the present-past, but rather a recognition that however delicious now is, we owe it to ourselves to make the present future as delicious as we can.

What might that look like?

Well, love is first.  Physical touch.  Physical touch and love together.  I am wondering what it will be to make love as a non-binary person, which I regard as stepping into love-making as a virgin.  Learning as if I have never laid with a woman before.  I believe that I know who this will be with.  And I do not know that she will on her own answer this question, I suspect not.  But I believe that she represents an important step in that direction.  I have so much to learn.

Play partner in BDSM.  I don’t know whether I desire or would be capable of having a domme and a wife or GF as the same person.  This is something to discover.  Thankfully I have begun to know a group of practitioners who are simultaneously becoming friends and play partners, and the best part about it is how unforced it feels.  Just not fake.  This is healthy kink, where I feel an equal to the domme, appreciated, recognised that my company is also a form of service.  Gosh, and what do I like about this?  That when you are with someone in a M/s dynamic, that you are asked to be your best self…and I believe that the more I do this, the more that my best self occupies the space in my body and my psyche, crowding out the shadows.  In other words, really important spiritual growth.  And what is different this time?  It is natural.  Unforced.  It isn’t part of play.  It isn’t talked about.  It just is, because it is free and flowing.

I realise too that some of my closest female friends are divorced, and that this means that some of their needs and mine are more in line than before…that I can be with them as a friend in a way and with an investment of time and emotional energy that would not have been possible with my wife.  And this is important to me.  I look forward to just how liberating and enjoyable such future experiences will be, and how time together is already taking shape.

My children too.  As they step into adulthood, they have shown themselves to be beautifully grounded, loving, well-adjusted people.  I have the most enormous pride in having shepherded such loving and respectful, thoughtful kids through life to early adulthood.  Children are most certainly one of the most rewarding and beautiful endeavours that life offers, and as with all things, what you put into it is what you get back. 

As we look at generational trauma, I see how my father manifested the toxicity of his own childhood trauma, as had his father before him.  I, and my siblings, was affected by this, and have broken the cycle.  Not in myself completely, but for my children, absolutely.  To open the door for their own futures without the baggage of abuse is perhaps my greatest achievement thus far in life.

Dear reader: in the end, we have only ourselves.  Those around us, no matter how close, are only fellow passengers, for good or bad.  Respect and take care of yourselves first, heal yourselves first, and be good.  In this way, you will be best placed to help others, to be solid, genuine, and loving.  Do you think I can do it?  To love without strings attached.

I am reminded of an interaction I had with a very well-known Domme and then a subsequent conversation with a fellow sub about it.  She had talked of the devotion of her dog…and how much she loved her dog.  I made the connection between a submissive and a dog—not in the kind of humiliating way that people might mean when calling someone a dog, but rather in its devotional aspects.  She dismissed the idea, “but that’s a dog.  It’s different.”  But why?  The sub and I mused, isn’t that submissive Valhalla, to be that devoted?  Why on earth wouldn’t a domme appreciate the kind of self-mastery and self-control that it would take a human, a being capable of much deeper and more complex thought, to calm the noise of the mind to the extent of loving with the kind of devotion that comes so easily to a dog?

Is it wrong?  That kind of submission is meant to be reserved for God.  But my God is all around us, in all things, in me, in you, in nature…God is expressed as a way of life. How we live is Godliness.  That is something we control.  To submit to someone is to respect and honour them.  In theory, any one of us is worthy to receive submission, but how many of us deserve it?

In Christianity it is said that “the meek shall inherit the earth.”  I have a problem with the possessiveness embodied in the concept of inheritance.  Perhaps we could re-phrase it to read “the meek shall get to play on earth.”  Or create, or make music, or see their vibrations rise to another level.

The temptations are rife.  With my now ex-therapist, we spoke of the dangers of cults, and that when there is a leader, there is always the potential for cults.  A dear dominatrix friend spoke eloquently of the dangers of being a pro-domme and “letting the mask devour the face”…the curse of arrogance.  We’ve all seen that, and it isn’t pretty.

What does all of this rambling mean?

You might invest a lifetime in someone as a friend, a spouse, whatever.  You might give yourself to them wholly and completely, and they might still betray you, dump you, leave you, mistreat you.  The good news?  Their toxicity makes it easy to move on.

Friends are vital, and while they too can and do betray, generally the balance is there and remains.  With friends, partners, and even family, don’t keep them around if they are toxic to you.  You cannot be your best you if you continue to create space for people like this.  Move on, for yourself and for everyone else.

I am trying to learn to not expect anything from anyone, to cultivate an ability to be joyful and surprised for what is freely given to me.  Because those things which are freely given taste so much better and linger for so much longer…and have a resonant beauty.  These things are coming into my life now in various forms, and I will tell you about them some day.  

The closer we live to our higher selves, the happier we will be, the happier will be those around us.  When I tell people I am a witch, they not only believe me, but engage with me as if it is the most natural thing in the world.  Everyone needs white witches in their lives.

The world is changing. The balance of energy is changing.  We are entering a new age.  The feminine is unfurling.  Please be sure to show up as your best self.

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