Is this deep kink born of narcissism? The search begins.
What it is and where it comes from…this is one of the gifts of Mistress, to learn to speak the language of the erotic.
Is this the ultimate in narcissism?
Since I began considering seeing a Dominatrix, I started having fantasies about being bred. In my version of the story I was locked up in some “dairy” somewhere, hooked up to a machine, and milked dry by one or many dominatrixes. In my fantasy, my seed was used by many to have children. And then, when I was not being milked, I was “put to work” in whatever and a million ways that they wished me to. And that service in slavery, total and utter slavery, was complete.
In these fantasies I am kept collared and chained 24/7. In these fantasies I am no longer allowed to sit at table to eat, but am instead made to eat with my fingers or from a bowl on the ground.
And at down time I am kept in a cage, where I also sleep. At times, if I have been good, I am given the heavy chains, a collar and chain so heavy that I can barely lift it, and this is anchored to the floor of a Mistress’s bedroom, and I am kept to sleep at her feet at night…but if I make the slightest sound, I am whipped without mercy the following morning—one does not disturb the Mistress’s sleep.
Pretty kinky, huh?
And I guess with all good fantasy, there is quite a bit of truth in it…kinky truth may be the truest of all. This is a gift of Mistress, to understand that the things that turn us on speak to underlying animal needs, trauma or other pathologies…the erotic speaks a language of the inner world.
In a deep, multi-year, 4,000 participant survey on deep sexual fantasy, Dr. Justin Lehmiller discovered that women are more likely to have “power driven” fantasies than men. Of particular interest to this post is the fantasy labelled “human cow”. Here, she fantasises about literally being tied up naked in the town square and force-fed hormones that make her lactate constantly. People would then publicly milk her and have sex with her whenever they wanted—all the time. That’s kind of what I feel like. You can find a link to his book here [spoiler, I have not read it].
The idea of being bred is a real turn-on. To the point of reality. I could actually imagine that a Dominatrix out there, who has no desire to have a “husband” or has no room in her life for a needy man, or a man who places expectations on her, but still wants a baby, might wish to take this seed of mine and use it for just that purpose. Is this narcissistic? It must be. To imagine that my seed is good—that it is that good that someone might want it without the rest of me…hmm. I am going here because this is the most narcissistic thing I think I have ever thought. I mean, why not, right? Healthy, smart, attractive, why not? There, I have said it. Gross. Okay, recognised. But now what? How to unfeel it?
Or is it possible that the desire to be bred is fundamentally different? Could it be that breeding or being bred is a total loss of agency? Is it different for men and women? It appears that this a common fantasy for both sexes. Some women fantasise about being kept pregnant and lactating forever…and some men wish to be kept in stalls, chained and bound in a row with other similarly kept males, and forced to breed non-stop. Is this about the arousal and getting off, or is it something else altogether–that having no say even over who your partner might be? Would love to hear from more experienced thinkers in this area.
Just because a Mistress becomes an ex-Mistress doesn’t mean that what she tried to teach me doesn’t remain. Addressing or fixing things does not need to have anything to do with ever being “worthy” of seeing her again, or even wanting to. It is about personal growth (is that not in itself narcissistic?). But gosh, isn’t submission born from a desire to shed anything that might resemble narcissism?