Questions and musings about D/s for the broader community, especially for those to the left of the slash (D/s).
There are so many questions I have about D/s, largely springing from my own feelings and all the things submission makes me think about. Mostly they centre around whether it is appropriate or normal to feel the things I am feeling. And also, what their mirror might be in the heart of a Domme. This one fascinates me perhaps even more than what is in my own heart.
One of the hardest things I have had to do with Mistress thus far is to let go of the “normal” way that a man and a woman feel for one another. It may seem stupid or obvious to you that being a submissive to a pro-Domme would obviously not lead to a conventional and mutual love relationship. But that didn’t make it any easier to come to terms with. I agonised over this, mainly because I have never felt or experienced anything similar as D/s and shaking free from the fetters of a hetero-normative world is not so easy as just being aroused by submission–even for a non-binary. We discussed it at length one evening over dinner, and it was the most difficult time I have spent with Mistress—not in a bad way, but in a challenging way. I imagine that in the lifestyle world of D/s, relationship dynamics of this nature may be easier to deal with as a sub, and quite possibly never even arise as a potential issue for a Domme. But for me, it was really hard. [You can read about that here].
The vast majority of subs into D/s who go to see pro-Dommes are going to have kinks fulfilled. I am not making a value judgement. The relevance of the point is that it makes D/s very transactional, very simple, very easy to understand. “I would like you to do such and such…in this way…etc” and that becomes the basis of the transaction.
What I am seeking with Mistress is something very different, and was a big part of why it took so long to find Her, and why it mattered so much to me when she agreed to see me the first time, and then after that, to allow me to begin sessioning with her. [You can read about the search for a Domme here].
There is no secret about how much I am fond of Mistress. I can imagine that many subs develop very strong attachment feelings for their Dommes. The concept of attachment is an important one to me on many levels. First, ADD arises in part when attachment doesn’t happen effectively. In recognition of my history with ADD, Mistress introduced a great book to me, which discusses attachment and the underpinnings of ADD. Few concepts in the book resonated with me more than this one. Seeing it in print, in plain English had me bawling on the beach. [That book is reviewed here.]
Second, one of my deepest triggers is little space. When I asked Mistress if I really had to call her Mistress the first time I met her, she flashed a smile at me and said, “you can also call me Mommy.” Oh, how she could see right through me! I am convinced that attachment and attunement are the two processes that happen between mother and child that didn’t happen sufficiently with me, and which has led to much of my sexuality (and also my ADD). I am not kidding that when Mistress pins me down and looks into my eyes, attachment and attunement are what is going on between us, and why this is often enough to get me to tear up. Can you imagine? All she needs to do is to look at me, to see me, and I am hers. We’re going to a place where it is safe to love and just feel, where it is safe to just trust, and safe to be dependent and needy, and where Mommy takes care of everything.
The Jungian branch of psycho-therapy that I enjoyed and which helped me to grow up drew on these concepts heavily, as well as one of transference. The goal of my first therapist was to transfer my mother feelings and relations to her so we could explore them and talk about them. The goal of my second therapist was to transfer the girlfriend/lover feelings I had towards her so we could discuss and work on them. [I wrote about those experiences in therapy here and here]. I refer to these as my first and second therapists, but in reality, growing up I had many, all foisted upon me to deal with my ADD, and to deal with the issues and challenges my mother was having in raising me. These two were different in that I chose to go to them, had very specific goals that mattered to me, and knew that I needed help.
What does all of this mean? It means that I am going to feel more and more vulnerable with Mistress, more and more like a baby with its Mommy, and I look forward to that, to being strong enough to do that. The goal is not therapy, but its outcome is likely to be very therapeutic. A by-product of this process will be a deepening love for Mistress. I know it, am a little scared of it (because I know how powerful it is) and is a big part of why I am so glad we are taking things slowly. Slowly equals built to last. And that matters deeply to me.
Everybody makes mistakes along the way, but I refuse to be held back by the possibility of failure. I enter every endeavour with intent: to see it through, to see where it goes, to explore without preconditions. Submission to me is also about commitment. First and foremost submission is a commitment to self. I cannot submit without a deep and fundamental belief that self has value, and that offering self to someone else is to give true value—indeed is the greatest thing you can give. That raises some interesting issues.
If submission is an offering of the self, then rejection in D/s must be very rough. In my limited experience this is true. Scary. It makes this a high-stakes proposition.
It also begs the question, what does submission actually mean? Very often we hear that “submission is a gift”. In most ways, that does not seem to me what is going on—the person giving the gift is the Domme, not the sub. But in the sense I am describing now, submission really is a gift. But it isn’t the submission itself that is the gift, it is what you can do with it. If I can submit to someone, what can we do with that? How can we make it useful and valuable? And therein lies the real work and why the passage of time is so important.
There is a reason I never call Mistress “my Mistress”. She is not “mine”. She accepts my submission, and I hope to never take that for granted. I see her as the one giving, accepting–to submit a Domme, to a Princess, and to have that submission accepted, embraced, cultivated, gosh, that is to receive the most sublime gift of all. There is nothing that makes me feel more cherished when She shows obvious relish in my obeisance.
As I submit a little bit more with every passing day, so too is it worth exploring how Mistress can take that submission and mould it in ways of value to her. There is no point in me being “my submissive”—to do so would be to remain alone; what I pray for is to become her submissive—crafted and moulded and bent by her into something she wants to have control of. It is no easy path, and the chances of failure, both big and small, is very real, but I am committed to find out. And again, this will take time. Life plays out in strange and sometimes beautiful ways. This narrative may fit into the cracks and crevices of several beautiful lives.
Intimate or Explicit
This is part of why so much of what we are experiencing together is not sexual. Sensual yes, spiritual yes, physically painful yes, emotionally cathartic yes, ennobling yes. I recently made a trip to La Perla, some of the world’s loveliest lingerie. It is beyond beautiful. I should very much love for Mistress to have some, but in the end I felt uncomfortable buying it for her. It felt too intimate, too sexual. I find Mistress uncommonly beautiful, and I know how divine she looks in lingerie, and in truth, she could wear rags and I would find her totally captivating. But I felt not ready to gift her something so overtly sexual—and worry that such a gift also implies intent. What do I mean by that? I fear that giving Mistress a gift of lingerie I am asking her to let me see her in it. That feels like objectification. It also feels premature. She will rescue me from this quandary as she does so many others.
I remember as a child walking home from school through a park. I was 7. About 50 feet from my home, two dogs chased me down and surrounded me, barking like crazy. They rooted me to the spot in terror. They were gnashing and baring their teeth, and I was terrified of getting bitten. There was no owner anywhere in site, and I was scared. I dropped my rucksack and cried, rooted to the spot as they barked at me. We had a lodger in our home who paid to live with us, and who lived in the room that looked out onto the park. Fortunately, he was home, saw me, and ran downstairs, came tearing into the park, screaming at the dogs, and they bolted in terror. I was very grateful to his emergence like a whirlwind that saved me from these savage dogs.
He taught me as we walked home about dogs and their minds, and how they see and smell fear. In fact, all emotional states. I learned this later especially with horses. He taught me the importance of mastering your fear and protecting yourself. He was a little disappointed in me too, I could hear it in his voice. After all, the dogs were only dachshunds! I am still embarrassed to this day. BUT, the lesson is real. And indeed, this is what Mistress is teaching me. Find the fear and root it out. And more importantly, once you do, the fears are just little ol’ dachshunds.
Back to letting go of the normal hetero male response to a woman he develops a crush on…
In vanilla world, which is really the only world I have ever really known, being with a woman has meant certain things. A way of behaving, expectations, a style of approach. Most important of all? Respect. Mutual respect. It is the foundation of a vanilla relationship. My fear of D/s and ever letting those feelings creep into the vanilla world is that the next step would be her loss of respect for me because I was submissive. Certainly our culture conditions that thinking.
That I respect Mistress is without question, and I am so grateful to her that she sees it written all over me. But that she respect me too is without question the fundamental scary, important elephant in the room for me to be able to trust in this process. That was the fear that I had were I to let go of the vanilla worldview. That is precisely what kept me from ever opening up this part of me, precisely what held me back from letting any of my vanilla relationships evolving in this direction—a fear of loss of respect from Her to me.
The first time I was with her, I stood before her and choked out, “I want you to be proud of me. Please never let me go anywhere or do anything that would make you lose respect for me. Expect a lot, demand a lot.” I sobbed when I said it, but she took it to heart. She catches and sees it even in the smallest of gestures, and she yanks it out, makes me acknowledge it, so we can stomp it out. I must be tall and proud. Could anyone ever ask for anything more?!
But here I am with a professional, someone who sees this all the time, and who plays with people in this emotional landscape. Who else would be better prepared to take me through this? Nobody. Knowing still doesn’t make it easy. Reconciling respect (my fear that she might lose it for me) with submission was thus far one of the most challenging parts of this journey. And then one day it just clicked into place for me. I realised that I don’t need that “normal” relationship. That my desire to submit to Mistress dwarfs my need to have a “normal” relationship with her. My goal and desire is to become her slave, not her boyfriend, but her slave. Letting go of baggage associated with vanilla rules and views is part of that. And anyway, I have just such a “normal” relationship already. I don’t need another one. That cup is full.
And how does a slave feel about Mistress? Respectful, dutiful, obedient, dedicated, worshipful, earnest, eager, committed, honest, honour-bound, fascinated, happy and filled with an inner warmth and goodwill to this person who has brought these feelings to life and allowed me to lay them, and all of me, at her feet in devotion.
What I seek from Mistress is very, very different. I cherish that she accepts my submission. I wish for her to own me. I once asked her to demand of me that I submit to her on her terms. Cheeky boy! Submission may in part be coming from me, but it takes a gifted Domme to guide it and tease it out. For all of that, I will love her, and I am not ashamed of that or scared of it. I also know that time to allow this to grow and evolve is the most important ingredient. These seeds we plant will only grow if we both tend to them. As Mistress also works with me to find ways to serve her, I will grow both as a person and into her. Therein lies the beauty of what is ahead. Mistress has asked me to savour things as simple as a texture of an object in my hands, the taste and feeling of a food in my mouth. So too, I feel, is there an opportunity to savour this landscape which lies before us, peppered with love.
Her slave. Can I do this? I don’t know. Am I capable? I don’t know. Where will this go? I don’t know. What does it even mean? I don’t know. But this is what I do know. Mistress is a lovely human. Playing and exploring with her is sublime. It is also fun to be with her in ways that I cannot explain. The spiritual element is the aspect I find I cherish most. When everything else is stripped away, there is only respect. She is a blessed human, so blessed, and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for what we have already done and look forward to what lies ahead. And if all this ever represents is some beautiful time spent in the company of a blessed human, well, bless her. To submit is to feel, to live, to love. I am already better for it.
Where are the questions?
I would be very grateful to hear from D/ who sees these feelings develop in their /s’s. How do you feel about submissive feelings? How do you see them from the receiving end? How do you encourage it? How do you grow it? What is its reciprocal for you?
As a /s, do you feel that the love you feel for your Domme is different than other love you have felt? If yes, how? How do you manage your feelings?
For those of you in lifestyle D/s relationships, what do you see as the elements of a natural balance, a yin-yang, that keep you both growing and developing? For those of you who are “seeing” professionals, and I would guess that this is most usually sub men with Dominant Women, I’d love to know how your dynamic has played out. I know that there are some of you out there who have been submitting for many years to one Domme. I find that inspirational. I’d love to know what parts have been most difficult and how you have managed those.
And finally, have any of you come “out” in the wider sense of the world as /s to your D/?
And to all the D/ of this world, what about your own arousal?
Do you find it arousing when someone submits to you? If yes, what is it that triggers this? Are there any particular instances you could share where a sub did something that really did it for you?
Please don’t be shy. We’d all like to know.
Hmmmm….there is a lot here! I will contemplate this and come back and respond over afternoon coffee. GREAT post, honey! ❤
I should probably write shorter posts!
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While reading your post, this specific part made my heart catch “One of the hardest things I have had to do with Mistress thus far is to let go of the “normal” way that a man and a woman feel for one another. It may seem stupid or obvious to you that being a submissive to a pro-Domme would obviously not lead to a conventional and mutual love relationship. But that didn’t make it any easier to come to terms with.”
I have very much been struggling with this myself. Like you, I am married to a person that I love very much. But the feelings I have for Sir are overwhelming and very intense. It took me some time to come to terms with the fact that he will never be mine. He is married with a family, and happy there. I am married, and happy in my marriage. But it still hard not to feel that pull towards the path that relationships take when two people love one another. It is hard to know that I will never live with him, that I will never share a home with him, and take his name.
Thankfully, Sir and I both realized we were having these feelings early on and were able to work through them, together, without either of us blowing our lives up. I am secure in the love he feels for me, and I no longer feel jealousy about what I will never have with him. And, I am pretty sure he has come to that space as well. But as his only submissive (he is not a professional Dom), he does allow me to call him “my Sir”, and I am “his submissive”. Still, we sometimes lovingly speaking of our “alternate universe” where he and I share our complete lives together and it is a fun thought. But I am learning to be grateful for the role he does play in my life, and to not focus on how much more I would love to have from him.
In any case… I just wanted to share this as I very much identify with that part of your post. I am still pondering some of the other parts…there is so much here. And yes… you should break these down into smaller posts! Smiles. Just teasing… you should write them exactly as you feel them and I will do my best to keep up as your faithful reader ❤
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This was really tough. Agony. And it came up so innocently as we were talking over dinner. She is very present in her words, and I find that she seems to never not be conscious of what she is saying. And some of the things she says to me impact me really deeply and profoundly immediately, and others take a while to trickle through.
I think I wrote to her about maybe 10 times without ever sending, because it was so dynamic in my mind…and the idea of submission being bigger than love, and that it was okay to just let go, so very hard. But that is indeed why I searched so long and hard to find her, and that is how she is making me feel. Doesn’t make it any less scary.
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One of the questions you posed to the “s” types here, “do you feel that the love you feel for your Domme is different than other love you have felt? If yes, how? How do you manage your feelings?” is something that I have thought about a lot. Yes, the love I feel for my Dom is different than the love I feel for my husband, and the other loves I have been lucky enough to experience in my life. I believe the power exchange dynamic is largely responsible for this, but it is more than that. This longing to submit to a strong man is something I have carried with me my entire life…and for the first time, I am living it….and I am loved by a man who is capable and has the desire to dominate me. Managing my feelings has not been easy at times. It is overwhelming to finally be experiencing the kind of relationship I have always dreamed of. But…thankfully, Sir experiences this to some degree himself, and so he understands…and he guides me. He knows that I do not want to blow up my life and alienate my family. He knows that I do not want to hurt my husband and that I love him and the life we share very much. So…he helps me to protect my life while learning to manage these very intense feelings. It is a dance, one we are learning together ❤
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Thank you so much for sharing this. You are so right, it is powerful, and very strong. It makes for quite an emotional overload at times. I am finding that the physical distance and our rhythm a huge help in this–She is just too far away and our lives are both so busy that it wouldn’t be practical to see one another more often. And indeed, being with Mistress is such a strong experience, it takes me often a month or more to process what happened.
You go through all kinds of fantasies of what it would be like if it could be full time in person, and I am pretty sure that would be too much–one thing to think about, another to do. In a way, doing what you are doing is the same. And the constraints that you both have are very healthy. I guess we all do need to compartmentalise after all, as Shae said.
I think we are both fortunate in having D/ who take care of and manage the dynamic so actively, helping to keep it healthy and in balance. It is very important. And I guess the /s of this world often need help in managing those feelings–good that they step up, and good that we accept their leadership…but I guess that is why they are D/ and we are /s. Wouldn’t have it any other way–couldn’t even imagine.
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YES! I often feel like my Dynamic with Sir is overwhelming… I cannot truly imagine living it 24/7. It is fun to fantasize about…but probably not a practical way to live.
I think I can handle about once a month with Mistress…sometimes even that is too soon, because each time I see her I have so many new things to process. I balance that with the insatiable desire of my id to curl up at her feet and just be there…but thank goodness my id has enlisted my ego and superego to the task of learning how to submit…because without all three of us working in concert it would just be one big mess!
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LOL….I LOVE that! Yes, I am a hot mess sometimes….
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I always thought I was pretty dominant, but I’ve found that I’m not. When I watched porn and men were dominated by women, it made me really horny, and I still do. I could cum without touching myself. Ever since then I fantasized about being dominated, being humiliated, BDSM, being tied up and used, being used by a woman with a strap-on both oral and anal, being caged around my sissyclit, being told to do things, my exploring boundaries and limits. Since I don’t know my limit yet, I would like to discover it, together with someone who is dominant and with mutual respect.
I ain’t submissive in real life though, I’m dominant towards my wife.
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Thank you John for sharing. I suspect many of us have experienced feelings like yours–to be overwhelmed by desire, and to have that grow stronger even than rational thought. Of course there are many sources of entertainment and titillation on the internet. But I am sensing that you are looking for more now.
I believe that eroticism is a relief mechanism–it is part of our health and well-being, and springs from places in us that need healing, or connection, or validation…but that very often the things that turn us on, even when, or especially when, they come from places outside of the socially mainstream connections between two people, they are even more important and need to be listened to. What you are describing is more than just a physical need at that point, but a psychic or emotional or spiritual need.
You are dominant towards your wife. Have you ever explored submission with her? Or with anyone else? I am learning that there are good ways to go about this and not so good, and which can also affect the outcome. I should wonder if you would take some time to figure out what is your goal. What do you wish to achieve from submission? If it is to have a fun kinky time and get off, then the pinnacle of that can be with a Dominatrix. If it is something more spiritual, there are other paths to take which are much more difficult, and much less about what you get, but what you can give.
Thanks for taking the time to post.
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