Two Goddesses in nature is an enormous gift that I appreciate with every fibre of my being.
I have a lot going on in my life right now. A lot of vanilla stuff: home move, ranching (yup), planting, cooking, writing a book, being with my family, going to weddings—and all of this taking place in three countries.
But also, in the world of D/s, specifically my interactions with Mistress, things are growing in complex and new ways. And while I am so busy, and distracted by a very full and wonderful life, I find that I am thinking of the world that Mistress is illuminating for me in little ways, as moments allow. And as I drift off to sleep at night, in a very special bed, in a very special room, I seem to think each time that I am gazing at a thousand pricks of light in the darkest night sky, and every one of them is a love story. [You can read about my new bedroom here].
Many of these love stories feature Mistress, but many others feature other people in my life. Family members, present and departed, friends, people I have known and loved. And as I lie in the darkness, teetering on the edge of sleep, I wonder about the parts of my personality that I don’t like. I think of those pricks of light as sources of spiritual nourishment, but am reminded of my shower head, which when faced with calcareous water, begins to clog…and so too, these pricks of light can become clouded. Why? Because I am so deeply imperfect. But I also don’t need to accept this. I can look on those imperfections and get rid of them—I can’t do it all at once, but I am tired of keeping many of them as fellow travel companions, and now is time to change. I want every one of those pricks of light in my night sky to be un-clouded…for me, but also because I promised Mistress that I would grow, and I meant it. I have been lazy, coasting, and it is time to address the truth, look in the mirror, and step up.
I have gotten to this point several times in my life, each one being a watershed. The first time was after I left University and was struggling with not being self-destructive. If you set out to self-sabotage, it is no wonder you don’t get anywhere. Deep therapy helped me through it and put me on a positive career trajectory. [You can read about how important this was to me here].
The second time was when I first asked my SO to marry me. She said, “ask me again in six months, when you really know you mean it, and the answer is ‘no’ unless you do therapy.” So, I did. And she knew, my wise and lovely wife, that I was self-destructive in relationships—pushing away the person and people I loved to make them prove to me that they would stick around. But you can’t do that to adults who aren’t your mother. My SO and I, bless her, are still together, which is quite an achievement given that I had only ever had one other relationship that had lasted a year—and we are on decades now. [You can read about that here].
The third time is now. All of these things coming together. A D/s journey, absolutely. But there are other things too. A massive career change, a change in my personal circumstances and living arrangements, changes at home, and a realisation that this is the next big chapter of my life, and I need to throw off and out a lot of crap I have been carrying with me. Wellness. Children moving from a child-parent relationship with Daddy to an adult-parent relationship with me. So much.
For one, I need to come to terms with my non-binary self and make it okay to feel the way I do. Second, I am proudly submissive, and think the world of submission, and am deeply moved by what it takes emotionally and spiritually to trust and let go in that way to another person. I don’t wear it on my shirt-sleeves, I don’t go around shouting it out, but if I am to present myself, no matter to whom, I will come clean with pride. I not only want this to be a part of my life, but have to—it is the essence of me. I know that now.
I am also tired of certain aspects of my personality that I would describe in unflattering ways, as well they should be. A recent post about this in relation to swearing touches on this. Time to change.
Without going into details, Mistress and I have talked a lot about personal growth, and how a solid core is a part of that. [This is one of the posts I wrote on the subject]. We have talked about various kinds of physical, spiritual, and mental therapy as key. The first time we met, we discussed that a journey together would involve a lot of emotional and spiritual development, but that I never had any expectation of her to be a therapist to me…though I fully expected interacting with her would be therapeutic. And so it is. And so, I begin the search for the right kind of therapist to help me break free from the things that are holding me back.
Please don’t think this is an advertisement for therapy. To each his/her own. I am not a lifelong advocate, but I think when you have a very clear idea of what you need, and a clear idea of the kind of person who can help, that therapy can be very therapeutic. I will keep you posted!
In the meantime, I am finding myself uncommonly aroused, all the time. I love it. There is something really wonderful about spiritually motivated chastity that is hard to describe. I love chastity. I can’t stand the equipment, though if Mistress were to introduce me to it I would likely change my mind [and no, Goddess, I am definitely not asking]. But the principle is within me. And funnily enough, I find it insanely arousing to be chaste. And why? And for what purpose? To become even more insanely aroused to be chaste. I can’t explain it, I don’t understand it, but to feel an erotic-spiritual devotion, and for Mistress to feed it, to grow it, to encourage it, to egg it on, wow. I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels. It puts me in an absolute state of nirvana.
I read about men who see Dommes and who constantly break the boundaries, and I ask myself what’s the point? Why on earth. I would never. First, to do so would be to disrespect self, but second, and even more importantly, to disrespect Mistress would undermine everything this means to me. She may be a symbol, but I have never met a person before that makes it feel so natural to submit to…and I have no doubt in her ability to teach and to lead. I trust her completely with that. She is a spirit guide.
Mistress is an incredible person, not just in D/s, and it is a pleasure to see the tip of the iceberg that she shares online. I love especially the warm and supportive loyal fans that she has who laud her and sing her praises. I should love to see the chorus grow. Such a genuine and good person surely deserves it.
Some of her interactions also include friends within the D/s community. One of whom is a fellow spirit of hers, a nature Goddess. As with so many things in D/s, it seems I dream of it first. I began to have dreams of interacting with both Mistress and this other Mistress. I imagined going for walks with them, being able to see them together, just talking, being in nature, and I could feel both this intense power flowing from them, but also a spirit of freedom. I find it really moving and beautiful.
I’ve written about this idea of Sex Work being a higher calling, but of course there are added degrees. [You can read about that here]. I am not sure if I consider what Mistress and I do as sex work at all…it is so totally spiritual mixed with a lot of humour, culture, life, and fun—all of which are arousing by the way…but when I see a Domme like Mistress and her Mistress friend, I am overwhelmed by the feeling that what they are doing is holy work. It touches me to the core.
When Mistress offered me the opportunity to actually meet this other Mistress in the not-too-distant future, I was both overwhelmed and excited. To go for a walk with two Goddesses. In nature. What an enormous gift. It is a dream. I am humbled. I haven’t even begun the work required to make me worthy, though I shall lay myself in every way before you. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart. I so look forward to meeting you Mistress-friend-of Mistress, and I am so grateful Mistress for this chance to just be naturally yours in front of another, that I bind myself in spiritual knots from now until then so that I may be pure and clean before you.
With humility, devotion, and love.
Beyond Non-Binary 
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