The lessons of a dog trainer applied to D/s are not lost on me.
*** 3/3 ***
This has to be one of my favourite kinky books of all time. It is a little sliver of a book, part comic, quite light-hearted, teasing in tone, but oh, so on the spot. Although published in the US, I bought it in London, as it was displayed at the checkout counter. Only in England, I thought.
As someone who has puppy feelings from time to time (all right, pretty much all the time), this light-hearted and teasing approach makes me melt inside. About the time I bought this book I dated someone who was really into this. It wasn’t that she had a formal kink in this regard, nor did I. But she was really turned on by leashing me and having my crawl between her legs. Her deepest fantasy was to take me out in public and show me off on a leash. She loved more than anything the idea of going with me to a Michelin-starred restaurant in London, both of us dressed to the nines, but with me on a leash. She loved walking in front of me, holding the leash over her shoulder, as I maintained pace behind her. Reading this book again after so many years takes me back to those powerful fantasies.
I should also note that the rules of this book, if applied, are extremely accurate and should work with for any Woman in any vanilla relationship who wishes to train her man, no matter which side of the slash she is on, or even if she is not D/s. These lessons applied, will make any Woman have a better experience with the man in her life…because the fact is, all men have some of the puppy in us…all of us…and we all benefit from some level of training.
I am tickled that I have a growing number of professional dog trainers as subscribers to this blog as well as my twitter feed and instagram page. Coincidence? I think not. Obedience training is one of the keys to a good life.
Separately, I posted about AI and Instagram, and how the tracker threads we leave from our consumer behaviour and search history are very real…and it seems that AI is not judgemental, but rather just wants us to spend. In my case, the kinky application of that is that Amazon now recommends to me “clothing” which is essentially collars and whips of various kinds. And Instagram, literally the day after I bought a stainless steel dog bowl (and no, I do not own a pet), started feeding me dog food advertising. One of the dog food brands it recommended to me looked so yummy and natural that I actually wrote to the company, and this wonderful woman wrote back to me and encouraged me to try their food. As she said, “You would not be the first of our pets.” Pretty hot, huh?
The introduction of the book quite literally sets the tone. Below are some selected and beautiful highlights from the book:
Introduction
“It’s been said in passing: men are dogs. Well, I believe there’s much capital-“T” Truth behind this carelessly tossed-around bit of wisdom. I should know. I’ve spent exhaustive years of research – and exhausting hours involved in various forms of petting – only to prove (and reprove) my Dog/Man Zen Belief System. So, if you’re not pleased with the way your man is behaving, I suggest you follow the advice of professionals – professional dog trainers, that is.
But, before we begin, let’s get acquainted with this easy to follow key:
Dog = Man
Doggie = Man
Puppy = Man
Mongrel = Man
Canine = Man
Mutt = Man
Pack of Dogs = Men
Memorize this chart. Okay. Now you’re better prepared to understand this book – and life.”
The whole book has this fun, playful, but quite serious existential tone to it—that is remarkably accurate and true.
Below are some of the highlights from the chapters, and I paraphrase…
Doggie Do’s and Don’t’s
- A dog is nicest when he wants to be fed. To keep a dog on his best behaviour just fill his bowl half-way and he’ll always yearn for more. The same applies to his appetite for affection. Keep him in constant emotional hunger and he’ll be more attentive and easier to control
- Until trust is built, keep him on a leash. Progressively lengthen it as your trust grows. And if that trust is questioned, advance to a choke collar.
- Always say NO clearly, so there’s no mistaking what you mean.
- Never wait to act on punishment. To be clear, you must punish directly after misbehaviour, ie. Immediately rub his nose in the mess he’s made. Next time he’ll think twice about giving you shit.
- From day one, you must seize the leadership role. Remain tough. Never be nice to a dog who is misbehaving. You must refuse to pet or play with a disobedient dog. He’ll get the hint who’s boss.
- Remember the four C’s: Always be consistent about your demands; clear in how you express yourself; confident in your authority; complimentary about good behaviour
Doggie Dogmas
Kind of uncanny how the average canine and the average man respond to the same training, isn’t it? Well, these shared training techniques work because dog and man have characteristics in common. I believe dog is a man’s best friend for very deep psychological reasons. Consider the following:
- Dogs are pack animals. If he is forced to spend too much time with you without being let out to play with his friends he will whine and sulk and bark until he is;
- Dogs display marked territorial behaviour, claiming their perceived space by leaving their belongings and scent everywhere;
- Dogs are known for bad peeing habits;
- Plus it is difficult to train a dog to put things back where he originally found them;
- It is pointless to compete for attention with a dog caught up in a ball game. He is a mindless, obsessed animal.
Dog Catching
What kind of breeding does the dog have? If possible, meet the dog’s mom and get a sense of what she’s like. Well-mannered? A yapper? A snob? Chances are her offspring will behave similiarly.
How does the dog interact with other dogs? Is he a leader? A loner? Dominant or submissive? He will likely show the same traits with you.
Doggie Styles
“Never pick a dog solely on looks or because his breed is popular with your friends. There are 5 temperament categories to choose from. “ Select the one that best satisfies your needs and lifestyle:
- Sporting Dog: requires lot’s of daily exercise; get’s bored easily; needs lot’s of attention; likes to play games with you.
- Working Dog: is bred to be strong and hearty, is very territorial and protective over whoever takes him home, tends to be quiet and antisocial.
- Terrier: feisty and persistent, makes a loyal companion, and has a tendency to try and dominate. You should consider how much time and energy you are willing to invest before you bring such a dog home with you.
- The Hound: a hunter by nature, driven to chase and catch anything that moves; has great stamina, and tends to be very noisy and playful.
- Toy Dog: bred mainly for show, is quite attention-getting in appearance, as loving with others as with those who own him, often inspires strangers to want to pet him. Can be skittish.
Outroduction
She writes:
“I know, I know, all this Dog/Man Psychology can be quite disturbing…especially if you’re a man. But if you’re a woman, you should be feeling a sense of…well, hope. Because once you understand how an animal thinks, the better you can communicate with him and the more responsive he’ll be to your commands.
Those of you who wisely apply these Dog/Man Psychology Tips are guaranteed to see results within 21 days. Soon your man will be obediently fetching your morning paper and cappuccino, and begging you for more of whatever scraps of affection you care to offer him. Yes, I stalwartly believe both dog and man can be a woman’s best friend—that is, with the right training and a lot of patience.”
No matter what kind of relationship you are in, the lessons of this book apply. Why not go out and buy it and just leave it lying around. You might just leave it there for “laughs”. But you might also see that its lessons are very applicable to your lives.
I guess you can tell that I really love this book. Do go out and buy it.
I’d love to hear about it.
On a separate note, if you do make purchases on Amazon, please sign up for “SMILE”. Then, whenever you make a purchase on Amazon, they will donate to a charity of your choice at no cost to you. Turn your spending into giving.
3 = Excellent / 2 = Very Good / 1 = Still Worth a Read
Beyond Non-Binary 
I am still laughing. This is hilarious. I will have to read this book someday. Great post, my friend! 🙂
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I know. Too true. The book is a lark.
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