Male privilege seems to extend to the last place you would think to find it. Submission!

Attention male subs, “don’t let the side down!”

Last week I had the great pleasure to interact with a number of Domme’s as part of an experience sharing weekend.  The learning was tremendous. But one troubling thing came up directly and indirectly over and over again. Male narcissism and male privilege.

How could it be that these two toxic tropes could be so present in the last place one might expect to find it? That they exist at all within the context of behaviours demonstrated on the right side of the slash blows me away.

For me, the whole point of submission is the erasure of narcissism.  When I first met the Woman who has graciously taken me on as someone permitted to submit to her, I begged that she not ask me what I want, pleaded with her to not do with me what I see so many Pro-Domme’s do, which is to work with a list of fetishes they indulge.  I asked if she would simply take me on her terms, to bend and mould as she wished.  I promised that I would be an open book to her, as this would help her to know me and to know my levers of control, but that it was important to me that submission to her was genuine, not an exercise in fetish fulfilment.  I vowed to do my best to follow her wherever she wanted to go. I wouldn’t dare think that I am good at this, or doing well, and would never ask…I am only trying, and in my trying, hope that she recognises my effort and encourages me to keep going.

I realise what a tremendous responsibility she took on when she accepted this, and I look forward to sharing what it feels like and what I am learning once she grants me permission to do so, and once I feel that I have something of value to share.  But the point for me is that it isn’t about me, but about establishing a connection.  For me to come to her with demands would seem to negate the essence of submission in the first place.

And while I really enjoyed the learning from the kinky weekend experience sharing, what I kept hearing over and over was how most submissive men are just as demanding, if not more, than their vanilla counterparts.  What a disappointment!  The patriarchy is alive and well in the D/s community, the last place I would expect to find it.  Am I just too naïve?

Wouldn’t you think that of all men, a submissive man, one who is submitting to a Dominant Woman, would both be more deferential and more sensitive to power dynamics?  I can’t really understand it.  The hypocrisy of male submission came in two main areas.

The first was “the approach”.  How a submissive man approaches a Domme.  The second is what is known in the kink community as a “service” sub.  Let’s take the general commentary one topic at a time.

Dommes lamented that men who approach them seem to leave their charm and brains at the door.  There is always a straight to fetish, or straight to “this is what I want you to do to me” narrative.  The other common approach is “I will be your slave forever” or some other silly comment to make to someone one has never met before.  Both of these methods of approaching a Domme show a total lack of respect, a lack of personal artistry, and a lack of sensitivity to what you are asking in the first place.  How can a sub not see that?  Or is there such a thing as a “fake” sub?  Or are these men just fetishizing submission, and the Domme is just a kink dispenser to use for their titillation? 

This astonishes me.  Based on the feedback from the many Dommes participating in the kinky weekend experience share, this is indeed true.  Depressing.

Yes, there is a balance in the approach.  You can’t be so submissive that you are unable to approach.  But surely just engaging with a Domme, letting her know that you are interested in her, that you have looked at her profile, or heard about her, or something that is grounded in normalcy is a good starting point.  I mean, shouldn’t a sub know this better than anyone?  Shouldn’t a sub, by his very nature, be sensitive to these things?  How dare he be so forward when approaching a Domme for the first time?  Shouldn’t he know what a privilege it is?

I do know that there are some of you submissives out there who are genuine in your submission, and I look forward to growing into myself in this way…and peace be upon you.  For the rest of you, please learn better manners, you are letting the side down.

The second area where the male sub fails is one of service.  There are many male subs who seek a service relationship with their Domme.  That might mean doing household chores, cleaning, that kind of thing.  The consistent pattern here, as with the previous example, is that female subs of either male or female Dominant partners, have no issues with the approach and make excellent servants, but male subs are another matter.

A female Domme, with her male subs, mostly finds that not only do they suck at cleaning, but that they just want to prance around in a maid outfit and soak up lot’s of her attention.  Again, privilege.

I think this is outrageous.  Part of me wants to laugh, but another part is very, very saddened by this.  Is male privilege so deeply ingrained that a guy can’t even perform such fundamental tasks without asserting his needs?  Kind of gross, really.  I mean, boys, what good is submission if you suck at it?  What good is submission if it is an exercise in kink fulfilment for you rather than an act of genuine service and devotion from you towards your Domme?

What is the matter with all of you?  If you are going to service your Domme by cleaning her home, then ditch the kink suit, get on your hands and knees, and scrub until it is spotless.  And do it without a peep, without expectation, and when you are done, humbly tell her that you are done, and wish for her to inspect…and dammit, do a good job, no, a great job.  And don’t expect anything in return.  Just go home and revel in what you have just done to improve her life, to make her life easier.

Male privilege is everywhere, and it is just sickening. C’mon guys, don’t you have any sense of self esteem or pride?

27 thoughts

  1. First, let me say that I am so grateful to be following your blog, my friend! Your writing is clear, concise, and incredibly insightful. Second…wow to this topic! That does sound incredibly egocentric on their part and I have to share…this is not the first time that I have heard this. While I think female subs might do this to an extent as well, I imagine that most males have further to go with learning to submit (as we do still live in a society where patriarchy is alive and well). Excellent post!!!
    Oh…and my favorite part of this whole post was reading this: ” When I first met the Woman who has graciously taken me on as someone permitted to submit to her, I begged that she not ask me what I want, pleaded with her to not do with me what I see so many Pro-Domme’s do, which is to work with a list of fetishes they indulge. I asked if she would simply take me on her terms, to bend and mould as she wished.” I think many of us submissives can learn from this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are spoiling me with your kind words and wonderful comments. I don’t mean to be preachy, but it is upsetting that the very people who seem to be saying they are submitting aren’t doing it. Not to say that I am any “good” at it, if you can even be “good” at it, but I am trying with an open heart. Without that, I don’t understand how it would feel.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hi April. No, I don’t date anyone other than my wife who I love and cherish. I do, however, encourage you to read the blog and thank you for commenting. There are several posts about sissy’s and humiliation which you might find interesting. I would love to hear your thoughts.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Have you ever thought about not making it a secret anymore? And making it a true lifestyle? If you feel the need for it, and you must because it turns you on, then finding a way to express that part of you should be a healthy path to follow. Good luck!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. At times i am totally out and girly but i still like being a man or a little boy at times . I like my Hot Wheels , guy hobbies like cars etc. I can’t imagine going to the Hardware store or auto parts store as a woman. I do however now wear androgenous clothing like cargo shorts high top converse that women wear and T Shirt so .But i am not all femmied up. No perfume make upetc but i am in dude frame of mind but not wearing my ragged out male clothes inles i am doing work.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. That’s great. I understand the appeal of the sissy narrative, but it often comes with shame, and there is nothing shameful about expressing femininity. I almost never wear makeup, also because I don’t think it makes me look good. And I get what you mean about going into male spaces en femme. In the end I avoid male spaces and live as femme as I am comfortable with


      5. True . I had electrolysis on my legs and the technician went to high on the settings .She thought she was doing me a favor to save on visits but i got like chicken pox marks on my legs and that lasted about over a month. But all is well. I am a flip flopper .I am currently in male mode. With a shaved head and shaved body. I was taking bovine hormones but just stopped because i want to donate blood.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. When i dressed and my facial hair wasn’t completely unnoticed i would wear makeup but after tweezing and some hair removal cream and some bovine hormones my facial hair was down to shaving once a week i would wear way less make up. I think the sissy narrative is directed more towards men who have decided not to transition. But rather stay male in mind but express their feminization in lack of manhood thefore the sissy has taken root of that mans psychi .

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Yes. You are right. Thank you for posting. I associate the sissy narrative with shame, but don’t regard it as shameful to want to give up being make, to seek out female. If anything it is empowering.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Me too. I dreamed of changing sex my whole life, sometimes even now. I think I would like to transition formally when I am 80. But now I am happy in this middle space, but it requires intense to fitness and diet, because only when I feel good in my body do I feel free.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. It is good to be happy with a decision. I have come to the conclusion that when my time comes to leave this world i don’t wish to die as a woman . I the casket will be the man and the girl side of me will live on in spirit forever

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Yes it has . I just can’t imagine giving up all that i really have enjoyed being a male. My female life is hampered with this covid with the covid closing nite clubs and social distance where as the male life just goes on and exists true sometimeslonely but theteare femalesmy age who chose loneliness

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, I understand the challenge of letting go of privilege. What is the trade off? What do you get in its place? Peace? What price peace? I would give up the privilege without a second thought. But I also have people who need me to stay as I am for just a bit longer…but the time will come when I can do this without fear…but will I ever go all the way? Doubtful…I am non-binary, not female, and so the value of hormones is more to balance my mind. I am happier and happier with my body every day, but that is the result of hard work and discipline…and taking the time to find clothes that make me feel comfortable.


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