I am always deeply intrigued and slightly flattered when a woman talks about a male body as aesthetically pleasing. I love to hear a woman describe all the ways and places that she finds on a man’s body to be erotic and stimulating to her.
Why? Because I can’t relate…not even in relation to my own body. When I look at my own body I struggle to see it for what it is, perhaps not surprising given my underlying dysphoria. And as a result, I have always excluded from myself any consideration of male beauty. Similarly, I don’t recall ever looking at a male body and finding it “hot” other than perhaps Michelangelo’s David or Donatello’s effeminate David, my fave.
And even the woman that can wax lyrical about how certain parts of a man’s body can turn up the dials on her desire, it is a rare woman that does not admit that women’s bodies are far more attractive.
I think of this as curious, as either women are more polymorphously perverse, or the standard which holds female beauty to be superior to male beauty is universal. Doubly curious as many MTF trans people go from being “straight”, as male preferring females, and assuming that they will continue to prefer females during and after transition, finding that they begin to become attracted to men. I have no desire for this to happen to me. I have always imagined that my own transition will allow me to shut male things and people out even more than I already do.
Does that mean that our hormones define and shape what we are attracted to? It would appear so. But why is it that the female brain, presumably then conditioned to find the male body attractive, can objectively recognise that the female body is more attractive? Can’t we just say that men are superfluous? Especially in the age of IVF and genetic engineering?
The female body possesses incredible beauty both whole and in its parts. The curves, lines, and softness speak to something that moves me like great art. When I see a woman of beauty it also triggers my own feelings of what I am not. So, I have this double-feeling—on the one hand, I admire her beauty, and on the other I have this wistful, nostalgic feeling for the body that I will never have, for the body I might have had were I growing up today and had the options that young people today have. So, when I see that person, or meet that person, it often happens that I want to be her, to melt into her, to feel what she feels, to see what she feels. It is a very strange feeling. A lesbian friend of mine tells me that this feeling is very common in the lesbian community. I don’t know, but if true, that is totally understandable.
It may seem strange, but this feeling is an immensely positive force in my life and has led me to behave a certain way towards women that has led me to have close female friendships that I might have never had otherwise. Respect and empathy are the two things I think of first. It is funny, but this admiration of beauty mixed with bittersweet and nostalgia feelings also provoke me to produce, to write, to create. It is very close to the source of my inner flame, and what has given me my take on the world.
Straight, cis men are attracted to women sexually. As a non-binary person attracted to women I guess I am still straight, particularly given that my body is objectively AMAB still. But the way I am attracted to women must be different. I am guessing, but I don’t look at a women and think of conquest. I think of melting into her, of being her, and of being with her. I have discovered over the years that only some women wish for this kind of relationship…but all of them want the emotional support, the politics, and loving that this kind of relationship brings, but so many want the conquest to come with it. Can you ever have both?
The search for answers to these questions is also another facet of my submission, and one which I explore with the person who I refer to as my Domme, though exactly what she really is seems quite different than that.
Beyond Non-Binary 
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