The concept of “investment” in a pro-Domme/client relationship

Once upon a time I read a heated exchange on Twitter sparked by a disaffected male sub client of a pro-domme who used the word “investment” in relation to his time with her.  In his post, the use of the word was mainly financial.  This provoked a shit storm of opprobrium from fellow subs, but mainly from the pro-Domme community who thought he was an entitled axxhole.

There was another interpretation too: that his “investment” referred to emotional investment, which many pro-Dommes would consider laughable.  This might be simply because most pro-Dommes don’t show enough of themselves, or even their real selves, for this to ring true.  Or more simply because most male subs of professionals are only thinking with their dxxks and not truly in submission to their professional mistresses.

I didn’t weigh in on the back and forth, but I found myself largely in agreement with the dominatrixes.  The guy was an idiot.  But there was something about the word “investment” that has stayed with me.  Because there is a truth in it.

And it has nothing to do with money.

What we pay to see a provider is not a payment for a service.  To think it is, is a recipe for trouble.  At most, it is a payment for time.  What you are buying is time together.  That’s it.  The second you believe you are paying for something specific you have upended the foundations of the dynamic.

Sometimes, you are not even doing that. You are just making their lives better, paying with no strings attached. Underneath this must lie a desire to cultivate good will. And you could call this an “investment” of sorts.

I prefer to think of it as many dommes teach us to do.  It is tribute.  We are honouring their expertise, what they do.  And anyway, to think of it as tribute is in harmony with the relationship.

When I think about friends, lovers, people we want to spend time with, there are parallels. In some ways, the provider is no different.  The provider can be a “best self” who in turn inspires the client’s best self.

Speaking personally: it isn’t that I just want to be with them, but it is also that I want to inhabit the ‘me’ that I am when we are together.  In my first real D/s relationship (and yes, I include pro-client relationships in the world of ‘real’ though some might think this is maudlin), my North Star in the dynamic was the founding request, that she help mold me into the kind of submissive that she would desire.  I had “chosen” her as the one I wanted to listen to, to obey, to be changed by, to have rock my world.

The point to me is personal growth. To say, “I want to harness this incredible erotic/sexual energy as a motivating force to change my life. My love and respect for this other person is so profound that I am willing to overhaul my entire operating system.” What you are also saying is that you Trust this particular person, their wants and desires to be right for this journey. Trust is the foundation stone of this kind of relationship. Trust is the essential ingredient that must co-exist with investment.

Time together, progress on this path, was a kind of investment.  Just as any rich relationship, the accumulation of time and experiences allows for a deeper and deeper exploration.

That dynamic went off the rails for what I would characterize as a mutual lack of trust.  Indeed, conflict of Trust needs were foundational to the reasons for our incompatibility.  While so much was positive in our dynamic, it should have ended sooner.  Looking back, I have no idea why it didn’t.  Superficially I was a ‘good’ client—I paid on time, never haggled, saw her fairly frequently, let her dictate all aspects of our interactions.  But in other ways, I was a nightmare.  I wanted to know her better, to know who she was.  I remain aware that this is taboo for many, but it didn’t work for me.  That isn’t the kind of dynamic I was seeking. It was fundamentally incompatible with my goals in life, for myself.

She said to me in our last face-to-face meeting that I needed a “lifestyle” domme.  I disagreed.  Too risky for me.  I’ve been married to one in many ways (without the fringe benefits, but with all of the negatives).  But I also believed her narrative, because that is how so much of the industry operates.

There are a great many reasons why this is the case.  All of them good.  Personal safety, emotional entanglement, it is a job after all.  But for me there was also something about Trust.  And also about core motivation.  Why am I doing this in the first place.

When I think of the deep exploration through service that I am seeking, it serves a goal of helping me be a better person.  That her needs are served as a part of that process is unique to its fulfilment.  But this kind of work, and it is work for her, but also for me, is us working on me…and that is the main reason why there is payment.  That isn’t an investment.  Just as me paying my therapist is not an investment.

The investment is the hard work we do on ourselves.  I am not and never have equated a domme with a therapist.  And it would be absurd to even draw parallels for what I think happens between most dommes and their clients, which seems more in the lane of fetish fulfilment.  But I have always sought out really special dommes, ones who appear to “live it” much more deeply, but who also believe in the power of kink to transform lives.

I am deeply blessed in that the Domme I began seeing when things looked bad with Ex-Mistress, is her opposite in these key regard.  Trust.  And I have found that this mutual trust and acceptance was eye-opening and foundational for me.

One of the first things she said to me was, “why would I want to play with anyone who isn’t my friend?  I live this persona.  I always have.”  And this has led to a remarkable series of experiences, time together.  And it has brought out something in me that I find is very positive, a kind of answer to silence.  

What do I mean?

She once said to me, “who controls the class more, the teacher who raises her voice or the one who never has to?”  Of course it is the quiet one.  And she plays within this concept often, speaking at times so softly that I can barely hear her.  Do I ever hang on her words.  But I also hang on the unspoken, the unsaid.  Our sessions together are almost always conducted in near silence.  Me reading her, obeying without language.  

For those of you who are horse riders, you will know what it feels like to connect in silence with a horse.  To feel it one with you, obeying your body’s cues, as if reading your mind.  This is what it feels like to submit to this domme.

Part of this is time.  It was an investment.  It took time to get there.  But mainly it is how much I am willing to work on listening, on just being, on striving to see the world through her eyes and to wear her perspective as if it were my own.

The foundational condition for this dynamic has been Trust.  When you know that someone trusts you to: do, be, obey, whatever, it is an inspiration.  Why would you ever even think of betraying that trust.  My devotion to her as a human is very real as a result.

Ex-Mistress was worried that I would use any personal interaction within and without our dynamic as an excuse to not pay, or pay less.  I understand that, as it is a common and justifiable fear.  But that has not been the reality with the person I play with now.  My personal financial situation has had its ups and downs, and this certainly affects what I can or cannot do, and the time between sessions.  And I do have quite a bit of “off clock” social time with her which is outside of our dynamic.  But at the same time, there has never been even the slightest sense that being friends in and out of our dynamic has anything to do with wanting to see her and session, and pay.

I feel this so strongly that even though she has a different rate for social time, and much of what we do together is social, I still pay her full rate for our time together.  Why?  Because time is time.  And I would never want her to not hang out because she could be using that time more profitably.  My kink is obedience, my kink is her well-being.  I have given up trying to understand it, where it comes from.  But maintaining the economics of our relationship is an important part of submission to her, as it is with anyone.

If anything, it is far cheaper to see a professional than it is to get married.  The real cost of my time with my wife dwarfs anything I have or would spend on professionals.  Not by choice, necessarily, but by the realities of my marriage.  Divorce is such an expensive prospect that I sincerely believe that I could have started seeing providers at the age of 18 and keep at it until retirement and do this on the regular, and I would have spent considerably less (and had a lot more fun).

Investment has nothing to do with money.  It is all about growing up.

Every now and again I come across a new domme who has a skill set that I wish to explore, or who has a persona that I just want to be wrecked by.  I get leant out.  I like to think of it that way, and even though I don’t need to ask for permission, I do like to be able to discuss my motivations for doing so.  I have had some beautiful explorations as a result, and bring back stories of what I got up to.  My recent experience with a Mommy Domme was a case in point.

There is someone, however, who is now in my future planning, who I am as afraid of as I was of Ex-Mistress.  I miss this fear.  I miss losing my moorings, of being with someone who will make me lose my sense of self.  This almost never happens, not even in fantasy.  It certainly happened with Ex-Mistress.  I think it will happen with this new person.

She had an intensely burdensome screening process.  It matters a lot to me to pass through that without any hitches, because her feeling at ease is the most important starting place for any dynamic.  I will see her soon, and she is seeing me with full knowledge of all the crazy desires and conflicting energies I have.

Why am I so afraid of her?  Because I want to be her.  There is so much we have in common in terms of our attitude to the role and purpose of kink.  I think I am in real trouble.  I can’t wait.

What does it have to do with investment?  Our lives are lived but once.  For me the corollary to “no regrets” is to live life quickly.  I hate waiting for things.  And that includes overcoming obstacles.  I am obsessed with moving forward.  At all times.  Living at an exhausting pace.  It energizes me.  The people I play with and end up playing with only once, are not people that are “worth investing in”…I don’t say that about them, but about me.  In other words, how I am, or become, or want to be with them is not positive enough that I want to see myself, to bend myself, to their will.

And that to me is what investing is all about.