Living the life I’ve always wanted

Over the past weeks my life has completely changed.  It has nothing to do with circumstance.  Divorce, for example, continues to be a pile of misery…we all face ugliness in our lives.  No, it has nothing to do with the content of my life. What has changed is my attitude, my desires, my goals…and even that sounds and feels aspirational.  For the first time in my life, I feel alive.

There was a confluence of beautiful circumstances that unfolded around me that nourished me in ways that I didn’t know possible, and that feeling is permanent.  It is possible to experience and feel something after which nothing else will ever be the same.  In this case, it was simply discovering that a way of being is already mine.  That I already live the life I want.  That I have everything I need.

Sounds good, amiright?  So, what happened?

About a year ago I discovered Shibari.  For those who have not heard of it, it is an artform that plays out through rope and elaborate bondage.  It is art, aesthetics, but it is also a spiritual practice.  It is considered, and has its origins in, martial arts.  From the BDSM test, written about here, I learned that the most powerful expression of my erotic landscape was as “rope bunny”, the person who gets tied in bondage.  I had never heard this term before and had never practised this before.

The person with whom I have the honour of playing in the world of BDSM is a bit of an afficionado, and introduced me to the art the first time we played together, doing so in a sublimely beautiful way.  I enjoyed it very much.  What I enjoy even more about playing with this person is how organic our dynamic is, how natural, and how without artifice it is—but that is another story, to be lived, but not written.

A few months ago, I had the unplanned and unexpected pleasure of playing with a Domina who I have long admired and who happened to be visiting the same city I was at the same time that I was visiting.  I literally discovered this the moment I landed and a post of hers popped up on my phone.  And I thought, “serendipity, this is a sign, I have to right to her.”  I sought and got permission, and I wrote to her, never expecting that a rendezvous would be possible, given how sought after she is, but we had a mutual connection which helped things along…Her one available time slot happened to be exactly mine.  Serendipity is becoming the story of my life.

While we explored a great many things, some of which were “too much”, and most of which have given me much to think about—all in a positive way, the fundamental thread that ran through our time together was rope.  She is a true afficionado and is quite expert, and this resulted in some elaborate tying and my first ever suspension experience.  I had no idea of this before seeing her, as she never posts much on the topic.  In the time with her, however, rope was everything.  It was a blast.

I appreciated her openness with me and how it is possible to be client and pro without ritualising the interaction—we just happen to be two people who inhabit opposite sides of the slash and as such can explore freely what that means.  In addition to loving rope, she is what she described as a primal, making me her prey, and if you know the French expression “bouleversée” that is exactly what she did to me.  It was intense.  I will write about it at some point and have touched on it here.

In addition to being heavily marked by her all over my body, what she left me with was a deep and growing passion for Shibari.  Not to learn how to do it, but to be able to experience it.

Another small example of the serendipity that is increasingly governing my life is that a month or so after this experience, a random post appeared in my feed about Shibari.  Someone I follow and admire was reposting that one of the world’s leading Shibari practitioners was visiting the city where I actually live.

On a whim, I decided to reach out to her, and approached.  She wrote back.  She told me that she was no longer seeing new clients, that she had “retired” from being a Domina, and that her trip was already completely full with her obligations with workshops, etc.  I wrote back and fully and transparently introduced myself and offered to simply be ground support in whatever form she might need whilst in my city, irrespective of whether she had time to play with me or not.  That it would be an honour to meet her and make her trip more pleasant.  She replied that she was being hosted, but that she might have a small window in which to introduce me to the art form, but that it was not clear if this would be possible, and that I should assume it would not.  She then asked me how I had found her, and if I had a connection to her Domina friend.

As it happened, I was connected via two degrees of separation and once the reference arrived the doors opened for me in unexpectedly beautiful ways.  I will write someday about the Shibari experiences I had with her, which for me were absolutely divine on a level that I have not felt before.  But instead, here I would remark in line with what this post is about.

The Rope Mistress allowed me to be her driver while she was visiting, and to care for and look after her in many ways big and small.  I was able to host her in my home, an honour which I feel to the core of my existence.

I was able to join her and her professional colleagues for tea in her host’s home.  They had “adult” stuff to discuss about the workshops to come, so I naturally prepared everyone tea, cleared and remained silent and off to the side.  A few hours later I lay bound on the living room floor.

On another occasion, we all went out together to lunch before heading to a wonderful tea room.  On this occasion, the “bunnies” waited outside, and I had a lovely conversation with a fellow rope bunny about being submissive while the riggers all sat inside and enjoyed tea and cake and talked shop.

After, I collected her from the day’s activities, and she was a guest in my home.  I was able to cook for her, preparing dishes she had asked for, and we enjoyed a wonderful and sumptuous meal.

I note all of this for the feeling that it provoked or helped me to recognise.  I was able to exist socially completely out as a slave.  Her professional colleagues all knew this about me but did not judge me for it.  Nor did they judge me for my attire or for being trans.  

And my interactions with her felt natural and organic.  It was simply understood of which slide of the slash each of us existed on even if we were not acting on it.  It was a very subtle and delicious harmony.  The best part?  Not wanting more.  Realising that I was completely in it.

I used to say that I was terrible at being present, and I was…but for the several days that I was honoured to tend for this very special guest, I was 100% there.  It was divine.

Once tasted, there can be no going back.  I have crossed the Rubicon.

And to the little boy that used to go to sleep when he felt safe enough dressed up as a ballerina and dream of dancing so lightly that he could fly, I whisper that I am here for you baby, I’ve always been here for you…I am your mommy, and everything is all right.