Disclaimer: This meeting was not recorded and I didn’t take live notes. The transcript of our discussion, however, was submitted to Miss Kim Rub prior to publication.
Recently I had the pleasure of meeting Miss Kim Rub, a luminary of the London fetish and kink lifestyle scene for a lifetime. Founder and proprietress of the Rubber Nipple Club (I still have a flyer from 25 years ago) and after, Club Rub, she is also a BDSM educator and Dominatrix. Keeper of several slaves, and thoroughly grounded as a dominatrix, she also teaches BDSM masterclasses to young, aspiring dominatrices. In short, she is a legend, and it was a real treat to meet her and talk about “stuff”. Here you can find an official archive of her decades of work and fun in the London scene.
Our conversation ranged freely through the topics of Love, community, friendship, sex, boundaries, Pro-dommes, lifestyle dommes, slavery v. submission, Alpha tops v. Service tops, protocol, developing the “feels”, age, being grounded as a dominatrix, emotions and release, compersion, relationships, expectations, co-creation, playing the field, pace, money and career. Yup. We had a good chew on these topics and speaking to her was so easy that the time flew by.
Her own path into domination was a natural progression from her years as a club impresario, and it was a pleasure to hear her describe the joys of domme space. I suppose that every dominant experiences this differently, but in hers I felt the echoes of my own—as in finding their mirror.
London is the Kink Capital of the World
She thought that London was the most heavily stocked city in the world when it comes to professional Dominatrices. I wonder if this is the residue of the boarding school’s of yore, and the fetishization of corporal punishment.
“There are very few who teach. Many play, few teach.”
Any Domme Will Take You
She referred to the financial aspect. “They want your money. It’s a living, a job, a role.” I disagreed.
“Chemistry matters.”
“Yes, for quality play, for long time relations, for depth.”
“What else is there?”
I have spent a lot of time researching potential providers. There are a very small number of people that I have had interest in speaking to, and an even smaller number that I would want to connect with in some way. A good sub/client does the homework to find a domme that is likely to be in sync—that her passions and style match. If the sub did not do this, I imagine a good many subs would be rejected at the first hurdle. But a good domme, a successful domme needn’t think of the money, of keeping her practice busy, and instead is focussed on those clients who are fun to be with.
“This is something that a Domme who is committed to BDSM as a career discovers over time,” she said.
“I’m sure that plenty of them are 100% in it for the money.”
“Of course.”
“Which doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy themselves anyway,” I offered.
“It’s still a job.”
“I love my job. Loving it is what makes me good at it,” I noted—that this applies to all fields.
Boundaries and Friendship
The main boundary for most dommes is sexual. But there are many who assert different boundaries. Friendship, personal relations, the private sphere. These are commonly off bounds—for if they are not, it makes it too difficult to leave work at the office.
“The friendship slots are all already taken. I don’t take on a client for emotional fulfilment.”
“Makes sense.”
“You might be looking for that, and you might find it, but the Domme is not necessarily looking for the same thing.”
“I wonder if it would be a problem if she did?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I certainly have experienced a range of feelings and emotions that I would link to friendship. That felt like that.”
“You should go to some munches, set up a dating App.”
“I thought about that.”
“You can’t ask for friendship.”
“I don’t see it as exclusive of the professional aspects of the relationship.”
“Nor does it need to be.”
“But I do this in my regular life—when you connect with someone, you know.”
“Just go slow. If she wants friendship, she’ll ask for it.”
Spirituality
We spoke about the idea of the dominatrix as Goddess. “Well, some of them are. They certainly feel that.” As a spiritual person I explained my trouble with the notion that a human should take such a word, preferring instead that they are a kind of mystic or high priestess, opening worlds to us. She agreed that there are often spiritual awakenings that happen in session.
“But if a woman identifies as a Goddess, and you play with her, then you need to tune into that energy.”
“I suppose so.”
“It takes all kinds.”
Those who own a dungeon and those who don’t
She made the distinction between the Dommes who have made the enormous financial commitment to invest in a personal dungeon space and those who have to rent space. Or further, those who are truly committed to being a Domme full time and those who do it as a side hustle.
“Setting up and running a personal space takes an incredible amount of effort, time, money, and long-term commitment.”
Lesson for Me
I asked her for her views on my own attitude to submission: “I do not wish to be my own version of a slave, but to discover the value and truth in service as I rise to meet the domme’s needs—that my fulfilment lies in being fulfilling.”
“What you’re saying is that you are a true slave.”
“Everything else seems selfish.”
“True slaves are really rare.”
“Thank you.”
“When I teach my domme classes I tell them that when they find a slave, to keep them.” She sure knows how to talk to a girl!
In a nutshell, her advice was to explore and to try out different dommes, and one of them will want to keep a slave.
Being non-binary
“Why didn’t you tell me you were non-binary?”
“I don’t know.”
“You just kind of slipped it in that you might be wearing a skirt, and wondered if I would notice?”
“No, it’s complicated. I’ve only recently started coming out. I’m not sure how safe it is in London yet, and I don’t want to impose me on you—after all this is the first time we meet.”
We talked about gender issues, male energy, the lusting, thrusting desire to have it all now, and learning to be patient. We didn’t talk about how ADD can exacerbate that.
Maturity
She advised me to find a domme that has maturity, has had time to settle into her life. “The younger ones are really focussed on the money, on their careers, on making it. They are also not always settled into their skin yet.”
“I don’t mind.” By that I meant paying, of being in submission to someone who may not have that self-certainty yet. After all, I might not either. And more importantly, there is this need to respond to the energy they put out. In a way it reminds me of someone I almost married. When I bumped into her a few a years later, we went for a walk, and she said, “I wasn’t ready for you.” And I replied, “I wasn’t ready for you either,” and our hands slipped together and we walked silently for a while. It was a beautiful ending to something that had finished abruptly and without grace.
Physical Attraction
We talked about physical beauty.
“I’m a mess, breaker of gender stereotypes, not really sure of what or who I would attract.” She talked about men and munches, non-binary men. “I’m not attracted to men; I don’t like male energy.”
“There are plenty like you.”
Acceptance
“Acceptance,” she said, “that’s why the dominatrix was so important to you. Your wife doesn’t accept you, none of your friends accept you because they don’t know, your children don’t accept you because you’re not allowed to tell them.”
“I’ve held back in doing this out of respect for my wife. Seeing a professional is a bit like going to the doctor’s office. There is a need, you take an appointment, the need gets satisfied, and you’re done.”
“Hah, yes. I have a client who calls and says, ‘hi, how are you?’ and I can hear the need in his voice.”
“I felt that way all the time.”
“But what does your wife have to do with it. Either today, next week, or five years from now, she’ll be gone. Your relationship is over.”
“Yes, I suppose it is. Before, I was afraid that I would fall for someone and there would be no guard rails…with a pro, there are always guard rails. No risk.”
“There’s always some risk.”
Munches and Community
She suggested I reach out and begin participating in social events within the kink community. This idea of normalising as much as possible, of being “out”, of being free to demonstrate pride of ownership as the owned and the ownee.
“What are you looking for?”
“Community. That’s what I am looking for. A sense that there are others, that I belong. That was what the last Mistress I saw was not interested in.”
“You don’t find community; you create it.”
“I would have been very proud to have been identified as ‘her’s’.”
“I have a sub like that. He loves to tell people that he is mine.”
“I can relate.”
“I’ve always created community. You’ll see. Be true to you and it will happen. You can’t belong to someone else’s community. You have to create your own. We all do.”
Alpha Tops and Service Tops
We talked about the various archetypes of dominatrices, how many there are. The Sensual, the Mommy, the Bitch, the Boss, the Brat, the Nurturer…how they touch on so many female archetypes. The Alpha domme likes everything her way…exactly her way, leaving little room for independent thought. The protocol domme loves observance of the rules, eyes down, ritual, submissive language.
A Service Top, a term I had only heard once before, is a bit like, “don’t mistake my kindness for a lack of strength.” Aaahh, praise the guiding hand, perhaps gentle, perhaps indulging, but also certain and unambiguous about what is wanted and what is not.
Compersion
This topic came up in relation to where I placed myself in a dynamic with a professional. It followed from our discussion of boundaries.
“I have no possessiveness. No desire to “be” with a Mistress as a love partner, to have sex with her—it is liberating that such is off limits.”
“Most dommes want to have sex.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, but with their partners, not with their clients or slaves.”
“Yes, exactly. I have no desire for that person to be me. I am delighted for a Mistress who has that person in her life.”
“From a cuckolding perspective?”
“No, its not kinky at all. A slave is not a sex partner.”
“Could be.”
“I suppose, but it was liberating for me not to have that expectation placed on me. And I loved that a pro-Domme has other clients, that she might keep a string of slaves.”
“Yes.”
“It’s beautiful.”
Power Exchange and the Demi-Monde
“What you do is really beautiful,” I said.
“Thank you.”
“The whole world of power exchange and dominance and submission is a thing of such rare beauty. To be able to explore devotion to a person, devotion to a feeling, is something that it is likely not safe to do within the bounds of a normal vanilla relationship. Too risky. And yet, here, in this way, a kinky person can express themselves, find common ground with other people.”
“That’s why I like educating people so much. You will like meeting people in the community. Getting to know people who think like you do.”
“I look forward to it.”
Mistress Tess and the Dog Cage
“I’m going to an event next week that is full-on femme dom. It’s at a manor, and all the men will be there in full-service mode. Sleeping in dog cages, shower by bucket.”
“Oh gosh, it sounds like fun.”
“I’m sure we can put out another dog cage for you,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.
“You’ll have to stop; I’m very susceptible.”
“Hah!” she smiled.
It was wonderful to meet her and to be able to talk so freely and widely on these topics. Thank you Mistress Rub!
Beyond Non-Binary 
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