It is obvious that this is not a good place to be. The best answer is to run away, but the reality is a kaleidoscope of emotions.
“’tis far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”
Alfred Lord tennyson
And a short article in Huffington Post that picks up the thread of romantic regret.
There is nothing more beautiful in this world than to feel love for someone else. It is better even than being loved. Best of all when they come together. Love is the meaning of life. Love is the thread that binds us to one another, to nature, to all living and physical things, and much besides. Love is what God tastes like.
When we say that God is love, we get close to the reality of the divine in daily life. The stronger you feel it, the more “irrational” it becomes, the easier it is to surrender to it. People approach the divine in different ways. Some, through prayer, organised religion, and community. Others find it in themselves through prayer and meditation, and silence. Some people find it through BDSM, yoga, breathwork, or other spiritual practices. In my life, God has always been very present: in me, around me, in my connection to the world, to nature, to the people in my life.
I’ve never really believed in chance. Indeed, I have found that the more spiritual I become, the more actively God appears to me. God’s presence is one of small things. I do not believe in a rational and judging God–by definition, God must be non-binary. I believe in God as energy. An infinite variety of energy. We all possess inside of us the potential to manifest any type of that energy. What we manifest energetically is the type of energy that God reveals to us in that moment. This is a choice we make, hopefully consciously, but sometimes that choice is obscure or very hard to come by.
What I am finding is that submission to life itself is the path to both God and to happiness, and that there are. many ways to get to this point.
A Digression
Do you know the expression, “Luck happens to the prepared”? This is true. It is the same for God. It is not luck that is happening, but a connection to energy. A very small example. When I see a penny on the ground, I pick it up. I believe it brings good fortune. I do not regard a penny as beneath me, as some friends of mine have suggested. That is an unhealthy attitude to money. I find pennies almost every day that I go out. When I do, I feel that this is a harbinger of a financially successful day to come.
Recently, my luck has changed in this regard. I was with a dear friend in NYC the other day, and she said, “oh look, a penny, and picked it up.” I said, “excellent, that brings good luck.” I looked down at the ground myself, thinking I could use a bit of luck with all the financial uncertainty in my life. And there, at my feet, were 12 pennies.
Lately I have been finding quarters, dimes and nickels—all denominations that I do not usually find. I even found a dollar bill. My favourite find in life was $56 on the ground…the first time I ever saw a $50 bill—that’s how young I was. These gifts come to us, and what matters is what we do with them. Not the coins themselves, but the messages they contain.
Being Prepared for Love
The ability to love requires preparation. Just as luck only happens to the prepared, so too, for love. And how do we prepare? By loving over and over again. Getting hurt is progress. Being open to the pain and accepting it and feeling it, is how we grow. Crying is a cathartic stepping stone. But there are others. Exercise is one. So, too are self-pampering rituals.
On the darker side, there are also plenty of steps we might take to heal and move on…cake-eating is one of them. I am currently surrounded by sugar, eggs, butter, and a variety of flours and I plan to bake myself whole. So too can be binge-eating, binge drinking, allowing for your addictions to take over. I guess they provide welcome solace…we may need to wallow in something deeper than a bath.
But for some reason, this time, I don’t have that feeling. I don’t feel the need for “self-harm” or indulgence. It would just make things worse. Instead, I feel intensely sick to my stomach. I feel like vomiting, but I can’t. I just have such a deep and tight knot in my guts that I just want to go to bed and sleep, and hope that I wake up and find it gone. But that isn’t the way things work.
The Significance of Belly Pain
I am not a guru of these things. I don’t know much about chakras, and energy centres, and I suck at meditating. But I have learned a few things in the past months.
- Ex-Mistress taught me that my guts, my belly, was where my internalised trauma lay after beating me for the first times. I will never forget how as soon as she stopped punching and flogging me and put her hand on my belly, I began to weep. It was that weeping, the desire to cry, which had led me to a dominatrix in the first place.
- My holistic and hypnosis therapist who specialises in re-birthing and re-parenting and helping me work on attachment and attunement issues helped me to see the significance of the colour orange in my life. My first favourite colour, the colour of our kitchen table in my childhood home, it is also the colour of the belly chakra, or sacral chakra.
- A recent “religious” experience had me experience in a direct and powerful way the full force of my femininity…and this came to me in my guts, and I discovered that my feminine self, though she lives in my entire body, has her seat of power in my belly—my sexuality, my creativity.
What is the Sacral Chakra?
The Sacral or 2nd Chakra is located below the navel. It is the seat of creative and sexual energy. Just how apt that is for my life, this blog, my development path in life, is enormous. No such thing as coincidence. When the Sacral Chakra is blocked or out of balance one can feel emotional isolation, repressed sexual energy, repressed creativity—and in my case the feeling of being shut down, like my feminine energy is being strangled. What does it feel like. I guess it feels a bit like what I would imagine menstrual cramps would feel like. And having “experienced” those for the first time as part of my “religious experience”, I begin to know a new kind of pain.
What is the significance of this? My feelings of hesitation to express my gender as non-binary, voiced here, are coming at a time when:
- My wife has said “I can’t do this; I want out.”
- Ex-Mistress said, “I can’t be your Mistress.”
Back-to-back. And perverse as it sounds, it is healthy. It sucks. But my creative output was dying…and the whole reason this journey matters to me, is that it flourish. But the pain is real, and it is through the pain that I will grow.
I find myself wanting to howl in pain, or to cry, and I am finding for once in my recent life that I am not able to cry. And my coming weeks will not allow for me to process anything—I am right in the middle of putting my life away, packing away all of my feminine things, going back into hiding so that I can receive my wife and children—and my wife has forbidden me to come out to our kids…and I am also receiving my extended family…the Godless brother who resents me, the abusive father who lies at the heart of my entire family’s trauma, and plenty of other people besides. The things we do for family!
So, right now, I feel like a wounded animal. Goaded, poked, prodded, in pain, and unable to understand. This is what it feels like to be the bull in the bullfight—to know that I am following my instinct and my instinct leads me to more pain, only because it is the only thing I know…to follow my heart. And I find myself asking, why am I being shown this? What is the lesson I am meant to learn?
Quite possibly, actually knowing doesn’t really matter. As the wise women on the plane next to me stated, “go with the flow” and “let it go”. Ex-Mistress said the same regarding beautiful dreams, “let them go.”
And, so I will, only it might take a while. I look forward to the muse returning to my side.
Post-Note on Chakras and Colours
My other two favourite colours in life have been green, the colour of the heart chakra, very apt, and purple, the colour of the crown chakra, also very apt. It is these two which I will turn to as I find my path.
Post-Note on Mistress
Even though I don’t understand rationally or emotionally what happened, whether we were unsuited to one another or too suited. But I will say that she has shaped the course of my life in profound ways, all of them good. She has opened doors for me, helped me grow, taught me things, and given me joy in the most extraordinary way.
As my marriage crumbles, her active presence in my life could have become a crutch, and that would not have served her purpose nor mine. I am sure that there are other Mistresses out there who have the power and beauty that she wields…but this divine person has taken my submissive virginity and showed me a little of what can be done with it…and for that I will be forever grateful.
I am aware that the dissolution of this experience lands squarely on me—that is the nature of submission…and when it doesn’t come to you, it must stop. When you can no longer just let go, but begin to regard the whip-hand with anything other than worship, it must stop. That is the basis of the contract.
Post-Note on My Marriage
I love my wife. I hate that she is so distraught by my non-binary nature, not least because it is also what drew her to me in the first place. I will fight to keep us together and for her to see that I am not a threat to her identify or self. And with a lot of luck and hard work there may be a future for us.
~ hugging you tightly
What a treat you are! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your visits to this blog and your support and wisdom. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
You are welcome, my beautiful friend <3
I am very sorry to hear this, my beautiful friend. I am sorry that Mistress said goodbye. I remember how distraught I was when my first Dom said goodbye, and closed me out of his life. It was awful. What you wrote in your post is true though… there are other Mistresses out there, with unique things to offer you. I would have never in a million years thought that my relationship with Sir could be so fulfilling after my first D/s dynamic ended. I guess my point is… don’t lose your hope, beautiful. You are a blessed person and good things will happen.
I know, it has been pretty hard. My main therapist revealed to me that she was surprised it had lasted this long, and I was thunderstruck by it, and she was really pleased for me–unexpected coming from the same therapist who had taught me and guided me to embrace slavery more deeply. But things were going awry now for a while, and I couldn’t really put my finger on why…and the one thing I said from the beginning was that if submission was going to lift me up then I would go as far as I possibly could, but if it was degrading or putting me down I would bail in a heartbeat, and that is where we got to…I didn’t feel good from what she was saying and doing. I am sorry because it was almost definitely not her fault, and so I miss very much what I had hoped it would become, but it became clear that what she wanted and what I wanted were not the same things.
It sounds like you have a lot of clarity on why things happened the way they did, and I am grateful for that. I know it is still painful, but I am glad that it is something you understand… not understanding the “why” of things can make the heartbreak last so long. Your submission is beautiful…as you are beautiful. I know that Mistress left her mark on your psyche, but I imagine you are better for it. Sending lots of love <3
She was the best. Pushed me and helped me to grow so much and I am just sad for its impermanence, but was really afraid that I might lean on her inappropriately as my marriage hit the rocks. And as she pointed out there is a chance here now for me to find a lifestyle person who fits my long term goals better. She is right.
I can see how that could be true. If you do find yourself single, you might be able to find a D/s live in relationship. Smiles. While I would never want to be away from my husband, I occassionally allow myself to imagine living in an alternate universe… one where I could find a man who could give me a 24/7 live-in D/s dynamic. When I think this way, I think about slavery… and I imagine that I could VERY quickly sink myself into this lifestyle. Sometimes, painful things lead to other opportunities…and I am very much sensing that will be the case for you, my beautiful friend <3
Me too. Indeed that is exactly what Mistress said as she opened the doors to my cage. That I fly to someone who will enslave me. But I have to say that I love this professional business. Somehow it feels safer.
Well, I suppose as a professional business the relationship becomes more transactional, which might feel safer. Putting your heart out there in the hopes of building a life with someone who shares your kink/lifestyle might feel scarier…but in the end, would be so much more rewarding.
And I will continue to think positive and healing thoughts for you and your wife. I understand how this beautiful transition in your life… feels very hard in hers. I hope that the two of you can find your way, and find a way to grow together <3
Well, I am going to need it. She is with me now and made me promise not to discuss any of this for the sake of the children, but then dropped a bomb on me today…and after that…when the kids weren’t around more or less told me it is over, it is just a question of how to get out…
She sounds like she is very confused about what she wants, and probably in a lot of pain. Is seeing a couples counselor about this an option?
I will find time to broach this with her. I would be good with that in the US but we will be overseas and I am less certain about the degree of awareness that might exist. Europe is kind of backwards on some of this stuff.
I hear that, AND I think it is worth pursuing. My first Dom lived in Australia (which is culturally very different than Europe, I will admit). But, my point is… he and his wife found a kink-friendly therapist very easily. In the world of therapy… this is one of the things that many of us are trained in. If you are seeking a kink-friendly therapist, you will be able to find one there.
I hope so. My wife said to me “you’re trying to change me,” and I said “no” and she said “you’re trying to moderate me.”
Everything about her world, how she sees herself, how she sees her marriage, how others will see her and your marriage… is changing, my friend. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t grow into the person who you truly are… you should. You deserve nothing less. But how this affects your wife is huge too. I have a lot of empathy for her. I know she has reacted in anger on many occasions. Her world has been turned upside down. But perhaps when the anger subsides, the two of you can find a way to connect again. A kink friendly counselor will have experience with this and helping both of you learn how to communicate around this life-changing transition. XOXO
Yes, you said it. I will look for one and see if I can find one. Where we live when are together doesn’t offer much of this, so it will likely involve quite a trek to get to one. But it is worth doing.
If you want to find a way to grow together, it is. Of course… she has to want that too. And it sounds like that will be a real challenge here.
I will wait. Give her time, but she has more or less said she is not going to change. It’s important to me to not give her a legitimate reason to dislike me, though right now any reason seems good enough. I don’t want to feel guilt. It has to be her that gives up—it won’t be me.
I so do want to keep going and to do so with full confidence. What I realise is that I will need more friends or new friends to be able to move forward. It will be interesting for me to see how my friends react as I come out to them…and what friendships will be improved by this and which ones destroyed. Its funny how that works.
I wish you all the best on this journey, my friend. You might be the bravest person that I know… I feel so proud of you!
What a sweetheart you are. Not sure I deserve it but it sure is nice to be encouraged so warmly.
I am with you on this 100%. I would love to find a therapist who could take us both. I have one, but she doesn’t like her because I have seen her on my own…and I would happily find one to go to with her, but she isn’t in the mood just yet. She suspects my motives, and thinks I want to change her, or to use therapy as a way to push her. But she is just so unhappy, and that doesn’t serve her, our children, or me, and I wish that she be happy.
You have my empathy, my friend. She can choose to stay stuck, or she can choose to try and find some happiness. I am sorry this is all so hard <3
Me too. And meanwhile it can all be so easy. One of my closest friends has a mantra that is just “let go, let go, let go,” and I think she is right.
I hope it IS that easy for you, my friend <3
One can always hope!
The good life fe is made of pipe dreams. Maybe if you have enough of them, just as with irons in the fire, some pay off, and things on balance work out