Okay, if my wife were to tell me that she always felt that she was a man, never mind how beautiful she is as a woman, and that she wanted to live her life more in tune with this feeling, I would be deeply troubled by it. So, I guess I am a hypocrite for thinking and wishing that “acceptance” should be easy. What might I tell myself? “Well, I’ve never liked men, so it should hardly surprise her.”
But that line doesn’t hold water. My wife has always loved women, just not sexually. I don’t even really like men to hang out with. Oh well. This coming weekend I will be reconnecting with many men I have known over the years. Will see how that feels. Including one who is now married to someone I used to fancy. Funny thing is? I like him. And so, it somehow does not surprise me that a woman I used to like is now with someone I like—not because what I like, she likes, or what I am like, she likes, but rather that I would be attracted to someone who likes girlieboys…and well, he, too, is just ever-so-slightly feminine.
I had a slightly bizarre exchange with one of my more fervent followers through my DM’s. He was trying to tell me that the physical body and that the spiritual body are one and the same, and that opposites attract…and that we bounce around until we find our perfect harmonic match and then can mate and pair for life. I struggled with that on so many levels.
He didn’t answer me when I asked him where gay people might fit into that universe. Nor did he answer what the opposite of non-binary is. And that is something I don’t understand. Would a non-binary like me be attracted to another non-binary? Probably. When I think of how absolutely beautiful someone like Andrea (formerly Andrej) Precelj is, I think my fascination is in part because of the truly bending and blurring of gender lines. Does that mean the most attractive I would find someone is a female gendered person, with non-binary emotional and spiritual plumbing, but who looked like a pretty boy? Probably. Who knows, though, as past our twenties, such wondrous creatures barely exist. Instead I will just have to watch reruns of Victor, Victoria.
When I first posted on coming out as transgender, I asked the question “now where”. I am beginning to find out, and I don’t like it. This is not going to be easy. What else is new?
“I’m not responsible for your happiness,” I said.
“That’s a really cruel thing to say.”
“No, it’s not. You can’t ask me for that.”
“Says the man who’s just ruined our marriage.”
“I’m sorry, what have I done exactly? Nothing. I told you again what I told you before we got married.”
“You’ve turned everything upside down.”
“I haven’t done anything. I’ve told you that I can’t take the pressure of pretending anymore. That your total passivity and dependence on me is choking me. That I need you to be a partner not my subordinate.”
“You’ve also been living apart from me.”
“When I asked you to move to be with me, you said ‘no’.”
“But then when I visited you, I changed my mind and you said ‘no’.”
“I didn’t have a job anymore. Move to what? Something that might not be solid.”
“You know why you’re keeping me away. To live your secret life.”
“My secret life, my gender identity is something that you don’t accept. How can I possibly live that with you if you don’t want to see it, don’t want to talk about it, want to pretend it isn’t there, or tell me how it disgusts you?”
“You’re very cruel.”
“Don’t ask me to be your source of happiness.”
“Why is everything about money for you?”
“It isn’t, but this isn’t a partnership in any way. You are totally dependent on me it seems for everything. I don’t understand why you don’t feel you would be happier.”
“Who’s going to look after the kids?”
“They don’t live at home anymore. They’ve been gone a few years now.”
“They still need to be looked after.”
“Other couples manage to have both work. These days, most couples can’t afford to live on one income. Even our parents did that.”
“You do realise that if I get a job it will be in City Z.”
“So. Here I am living halfway around the world to be able to work. It doesn’t bother me at all that you would be a two-hour drive from home and working. That would be a great thing. It would take the pressure off of me.”
“That’s the end of this house.”
“This house is already over…we’re never here. You aren’t even here.”
On the submissive male, after having asked me if I was still “into that?!”
“J. is a wuss,” my S.O. announced about a male friend of ours who is the partner of another female friend of ours.
“What makes him a wuss?” I asked.
“That’s how I see him.”
“Did he do something, say something.”
“No, he’s just wuss. That’s how I feel.”
“I see that he is just loving and supportive of M. What’s wrong with that?”
“He’s her slave.”
“So? Who cares. He just loves her. What’s wrong with that?” There was more to this conversation it seemed.
“Well maybe we define it differently,” she said.
“Wuss is a really unkind word,” I said.
“It means wimp, loser,” one of our kids said.
“I’m with J. on this,” said another child, “he’s cool.”
“Yeah, he’s really nice,” said another child.
Here they were displaying how well adjusted they are, how modern in outlook they are, how outspoken they are…it gives me hope for the future of the world when young adults are more enlightened than their parents.
There is a lot here, my friend. Things that sound very painful. I hope you are doing okay <3
You are such a wonderful person. I wish that the world were lined with people like you as it would be a better place. I am way behind on posting. It gets worse, but I will be fine. My marriage is currently toast, but I will fight for it.
I am really sorry to hear this, my friend. I am impressed with your positivity and upbeat attitude… not surprised, mind you…impressed. I have always though you VERY brave. I hope that you are able to lean into your dynamic with Mistress during this difficult time. I am thinking of you a lot <3
Ex-Mistress. When it rains, it pours! All in one week too.