What is it for you?
My biggest discovery about D/s with a real person and not just reading about it or watching videos online, or whatever solo exploration existed, is that what I wanted from a fellow human was very different than what I fantasised about.
I know that it is hard to believe that in this day and age that someone could be off of social media, but that was largely true…I had no personal social media accounts up until a year ago, and then finally, all at once, I took the plunge. I was pulled in by a desire to explore the world of D/s.
Boy, what a treasure trove of kinky stuff the internet is! So, yes, for a little while I was that kid in the candy store, totally turned on by what I was discovering. But at somewhere along the way, I realised I was looking for something very different. It wasn’t about sex for me, and all of the content online was overtly sexual. I realised that D/s was existential for me, part of who I am, not what I fantasise about or get turned on by. Yes, there is a sexual part to it, but it is mainly a spiritual endeavour for me.
D/s appears to be very much about fetish-fulfilment, ritual and protocol, formal games played between consenting adults. And perhaps this serves only to entice. My own journey would never have started if this were the entry point. I know, I tried.
While I have encountered so much fun stuff online, the truth is that what I really care about is my growth and evolution as a person. And I have been submissive my whole life, just never really willing to let it out. Being submissive to someone is being true to myself, but that truth for me has to be one that improves me, raises me up, demands of me to do better, be better.
Submission is all about feelings of love. I submit because I love. Love and respect for the person who accepts my submission echoes the love I feel for myself, but also the love that springs forth only because submission has found a voice.
I am curious that there is so little of love described in all of the material on D/s, whether stories, online, or elsewhere. Why is that? When we submit in a religious sense it is divine and fulfilling and fills our hearts. We often call the Woman to whom we submit a “Goddess”. And of course, this is not literally true, but in another sense it is. She becomes a medium for the transmission of something that is bigger and more powerful than all of us. To be confronted by that, to have that right before me, cannot help but trigger overwhelming feelings of submission.
There is only beauty in that. So why is the public narrative of D/s so often filled with humiliation and degradation? I am just asking, not judging. And that is only because I can only feel submissive towards someone who I can also love, who triggers deep feelings of joy and wonder and inspiration inside of me. And for love to be successful, there must be respect. Respect has to be a two-way street. Degradation and humiliation don’t make happy bedfellows with respect. I am not ashamed of being a submissive. On the contrary, it is the source of my strength. There is no shame in love, there is only the desire to love more.
And one Domme once asked me what my goal was, why was I there, what did I hope to gain. My answer? To find a Domme who would take the time and effort to mould me into the kind of submissive she would be proud to own and collar–no preset notions of how this would be accomplished, what we might do together, just the goal to be made in Her image. My promise in return? To always try to follow wherever she leads, no matter what, and to speak up when I can’t. And to try again.
I LOVED reading this, baby. How submission works for you is so beautiful. But I think the answer to your question….why the D/s narrative is often one of humiliation and degradation…is an obvious one. I think for many, those elements of D/s ARE what is so arousing and appealing. You are really the first person who has ever written about the kind of loving submission that I also identify with. But, I really identify with the other parts of the more popular D/s narrative, as well. Having my Dom do things to me that bring me some shame or make me feel embarrassed…well, that is incredibly erotic to me too. I am glad to see you here, talking about your experience with submission. I imagine there are many others who also feel like you, and wonder why there isn’t more on-line to be read about it. I think you are definitely serving to narrow a gap in the D/s literature, my friend!
Hi Nora…I understand the erotic appeal of shame, and know that many, many people are drawn to it. I just didn’t find that being ashamed was consistent with my goals for myself. Submission is a thing of spiritual and sexual beauty, a recognition of there being many things greater than ourselves, starting with our feelings for someone else.
girlieboy69, you’ve expressed in a lovely and effective manner the quality of your experience of submission and how it’s inextricably linked to love. As a dominant, I see the dance of D/s in the same way.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and taking the time to reply. Much appreciated. I often wonder how it is different when the submissive is female or male, and when the Top is Male or Female…the base principles should remain the same, but the cultural baggage is so heavy that the distortion that results is real. I often wonder whether so many male submissives enjoy the humiliation narrative so much because of the social baggage that comes with being a male submissive…but I am learning that many female submissives enjoy this part of D/s too.
I do think the situation is probably similar regardless of the gender of the submissive. It’s such a wide world out there, and I’ve encountered female dominants who seem to have the same nurturing, protective instincts toward their subs that dominants like myself have toward ours. But I agree that the cultural narrative and norms affect all of us, and must somewhat influence relationships.
Yes, I think you are right. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
That’s wonderful. The pop culture version of D/s is not about this nurturing, caring, and personal growth side. I am very new to the formal experience of D/s, though it has been in my nature from my earliest thinking…and so I was really worried as I started that it would have to be all about some kind of fetish fulfilment or erotic games, and I guess it probably is for lot’s of people…but I am over the moon in having found a Domme who has allowed us to just go off-piste, with no preset agenda, but rather a mutual exploration…and I love where it is going, I love where she is taking me…and I love that I can give to her in ways that are fulfilling to her too.
Interesting post and that’s been something on my mind as well. When I met sir, his style of domination is very different from what I had read and learned. He has always said that as a leader, it’s his job to build me up not tearing me down. He is not a fan of degradation. If I did something wrong, he’d rather speak with me in private and figure out the root cause.
I have the same drive for personal growth as a submissive. I want to be better day after day. I want to follow someone whom I deeply respect and therefore love. I am submitting not because he asked me to, it’s because of his way of being. Yes, there are times where some kink is envolved, but that’s just 3% of our interactions. Rest 97% is something that people rarely talk about…
That’s wonderful, really lovely. That is completely where I am coming from. Mistress has taught me that some people need the degradation and shame to help them deal with their demons, and I am fortunate in it not being her style either.
She is all about personal growth, as am I. As she said to me last week, “the more you become, the more you have to give. I want to see you grow and unfurl yourself.” And for me? She makes me want to conquer the world, package it up, and lay it at her feet.
I don’t at all understand yet what motivates all of this or where it comes from, but I have never felt anything more positive, more energising, and more divine than what I feel when Mistress works with me, or when I am able to do something for her.
We’ve latched onto the medieval concept of chivalric love. That my dealings with her are chaste, perhaps erotically charged, but chaste. And D/s play serves only as a portal to a spiritual understanding. I respect Her so much as a person before any kink, and that is what makes it possible to be so overwhelmed by her inner beauty.
It is so nice to find another fellow growth through submission person…bless you.