When you realise that submission is not a desire but an existential need

There is something about me and my life and my place in my life now that has brought out my submissive self.  Lurking inside of me since I was a child, she [submissive id me] has asserted herself enough to dip her toes in the waters of D/s.  What she has found is so deeply enticing, that there is no going back.

I can’t understand it.  I can’t begin to understand where it comes from.  I don’t think I was born this way, but I also can’t think of any incident in my life that would have made me submissive.  Not one. 

I can think of plenty of small incidents along the way that that triggered me, made me feel intensely submissive in the moment, but I don’t think I would have had the words back then to say what it was I was feeling.

If anything, my life was just the opposite of submission.  One of constant rebellion.  And maybe that’s just it.  I became tired of rebelling.  Submission is a chance to let go, to stop fighting, to relax, to just be.  It is such a different state to my normal state, and the way I interact as a submissive with the person I am overtly submissive to, is a way of interacting that is reserved to this one person.  But that seems too easy, and I don’t believe myself when I say it.  What may be closer to the truth is that rebellion was like the barking of a dog—it was intended to warn people off, because the truth was far too vulnerable and too raw.

But now that I am grown up [at least in age], I don’t have the same fear of vulnerability anymore.  In fact, I seek it out, I feed on it, I love it.  And maybe that’s why now it feels like a good time to get to know my submissive self.

I am aware that these isolated interactions in the world of D/s are changing me.  But what I realise is that it isn’t a desire to change.  It isn’t that I want to be submissive.  It isn’t that I have an erotic fantasy about submission.  It is that I have this visceral need to be collared, owned, and controlled.  To feel the yoke of another on me, to no longer exercise free will, if only just for a little while.  And why?  Where does that come from?  How can something like that be a need?

I have no idea, and I am wondering if I ever will.  Probably not, and that means learning to accept it, to just allow myself to feel it, to just let go.  

I’d love to hear from other submissives out there—what is it that you need that submission feeds?  Where does it come from?  Similarly, from Dommes, what is it that you are pushing for in a sub that feeds the dynamic—for the sub, but also for you?

I have heard some Dommes say that they love to see a sub open up before them like a flower or a split open melon, raw, hungry, vulnerable, filled with desire.  Is that what it is?

I can tell you what it feels like.  It usually starts as a tightness in my chest.  A kind of squeezing feeling the same as if I am about to cry, but it isn’t a sad feeling, but a euphoric feeling.  That tightness spreads, and when it gets to my belly it really takes a hold of my guts, and gives them a nice, tight embrace.  If it reaches my loins it takes over my mind and I lose language and just want to be lost in a trance of sub-space…

I see myself on my knees.  I see myself collared.  I see myself in Mistress’s presence.  I imagine her asking something of me, or of me giving to her, and I have a kind of deep, spiritual arousal that washes over me. Every part of me aches with desire, not sexual, not a desire to possess, just a desire to be.  To be spiritually held by Mistress.  To be tied to Her.  To belong to Her.  To be Her property—cherished, valued, but all Hers.  How can one ever understand something like that?  

Maybe I shouldn’t even try.  What I do know is that it sure feels great.