How Dommes show love to their subs

It isn’t all mean and cruel and humiliating

This post was in part inspired by one written recently by Sharyn Ferns, a prolific writer and author of the Domme Chronicles. If you haven’t read her blog, listened to her podcasts, or read any of her books, I do recommend them. Her advice has been indispensable to me on my journey.

The D/s stereotype of a cruel and mean Dominatrix trampling on her subs seems to be the most common and popular portrayal of D/s life but is alien to my experience.  I have been blessed to interact with some very loving and tender Dommes who have been anything but cruel to me.

Please don’t misinterpret what I am saying.  There is this “soft Domme” trope that goes around, and I really don’t know what “soft” or “hard” means.  For me, obedience is an absolute, a pre-condition to submission.  There are limits and safe words exist for that purpose, but to wholeheartedly obey and squelch any internal questioning or hesitancy is part of the fun.

So, I would never contemplate being disobedient or bad so as to arouse the ire of a Mistress, either in play, by accident, or with intent.  That’s not me.  And what I get back is a reflection of what I give.  I worship, I compliment, I respect, and I learn with gratitude…and all of this is paid back a million-fold with what I find is a genuine affection and caring for my well-being.

And funnily enough, thus far in my D/s experience, it has been universal.  In my early explorations I found myself in the clutches of a number of catfish Dommes, some of whom turned out to be blackmailers from Nigeria, others from the Philippines, all masquerading (very convincingly I might add) as various different people in the USA (this will be the subject of an upcoming post).  Even the “bad ones” were loving and caring in their domination of me.  Some of the habits even the cruelest of them all left me with, are ones that are for my own good, and have helped me grow as a person.

One potential Mistress I interacted with as I was trying to find my path to the right person to submit to is an absolute sweetheart.  S/he/Zhe is on their own journey, finding if being a Domme is right for them, but who left me with a gift that I get to enjoy every night.

First, she made me introduce a stretching routine that was combined with mindfulness or at least some kind of quiet reflection time.  Thirty minutes every night before going to bed.  To say this has been good for me has been an understatement.

Second, when I confessed a certain loneliness in my life for what zhe represented, and that it would be nice if I could feel her presence with me (zhe was online only—pandemic times), she asked me if I had ever heard of weighted blankets.  I had not, but zhe helped me choose one, and now, every night, in bed, it is as if she is still there with me, lying on top of me.

Third, she gave me a stuffed animal that represented her, and that animal sleeps in my room at night. 

Another Domme took control of my bedtime, and turned me from someone who would only go to bed when I was completely exhausted—sometime well after midnight (very typical for ADD)—into someone who went to bed early.  She imposed a bedtime of 8pm, and I follow it almost every day.  Along with this came an admonition to rise early and use the time for productive endeavours.

I point these routines, habits, and objects out, because all three of them speak to comfort, wellness, and well-being.  And for some perverse reason, it is the person we turn to for a whipping that is best able to see and judge what we need for our spiritual wellness.  And there is most definitely something in the protective affection of a Domme, no matter who she is, that comes to lay with me at night, that caresses my soul, that whispers and sings lullabies to me, and gives me a good night’s rest.  She is also there with me during the day, admonishing me to be strong, to stay focussed, and to achieve my goals.

I can’t tell you how helpful all of this is to someone whose mind races with ADD energy and distraction. Sometimes the strength from within, needs to come from without, but it takes the within to seek it, to receive it, and to use it.  I associate this type of love as the love of a woman—perhaps controlling, but given for my own good.  And the more a Domme imposes in this way, the more I learn to receive, to be thankful.